A Safe and Fun Dating Environment
Relationship Attachment Model (R.A.M.)
The R.A.M. Model, developed by Dr. John Van Epp, represents key factors that will influence the closeness you feel in a relationship. In order of importance, these key factors are Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch.
To be able to follow your heart without losing your mind, each of these factors should follow the dating safe zone, with "Know" the highest and "Touch" the lowest. In other words, you shouldn’t trust more than you know, rely more than you trust, commit more than you rely, and touch more than you commit.
Each of these key factors above leads to a feeling of connection in meaningful relationships.
"As dates become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation that a date implies seriousness or continuing commitment. That expectation discourages dating even more...We must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment."
The Do’s and Don’ts of First Dates
- Remember that it is just a date, not a marriage interview.
- Keep the date short and simple. 90 minutes is a great limit that eliminates movies.
- Leave your date wanting more of you, not less of you. You do this not only by how much time you spend on the date but also by how much you share.
- If you need to spend money, don't go overboard.
- Be prudent in your post-date texts.
- Stick to simple, A-frame-like hugs.
- Make sure there is a balance between talking and listening.
- Guys, don't wait until you know for sure that you either like her, or she likes you, before you ask a girl out. Dates are for getting to know people better.
- Girls, don't assume that if a guy asks you out, then he must really like you. That will make it awkward when he doesn't ask you out again.
- Don't talk too much with friends or roommates about the date, either before or after. The common post-date chatter feeds an unhelpful dating culture.
- Don't spend an inordinate amount of time getting ready.
- If you want a second date, don't make your date uncomfortable on the first one (e.g. avoid overspending on dates, too much touch, or self-disclosure).
Dating Workshop
Dating: How to Follow Your Heart
We’re proud to be offering a free dating workshop over five weeks. Join us to learn more about how you can make good dating decisions and navigate new and current relationships.