"Understanding the Importance of Marriage and Family"
David B. Magleby
October 28, 2003
One of the joys of teaching in the Church Educational System is to be associated with so many students who are in the season of their lives when they decide to serve church missions, fall in love, and are prepared and worthy to be sealed to each other for time and all eternity. A personal highlight for me was also the opportunity I had to serve as Bishop of a BYU singles ward where I could be part of this preparation process for temple marriage. One of the members of that ward was Eric Bednar, son of President and Sister Bednar. I cherish my association with Eric and all of the members of the BYU 178th Ward.
During my time as Bishop, I attended many weddings and receptions, but one stands out in my mind. My wife and I attended a sealing in the Salt Lake Temple for a couple from our ward that was attended by only a few people. The groom’s parents were from a less active family, but he had a supportive returned missionary sister who also lived in our ward. The bride was the only member of her family in the church.
The family of the bride was opposed to marriage before their daughter graduated from college, something that would not happen for more than a year. With the permission of the bride, I offered to call her parents and discuss with them why our faith encourages marriage when the partners are prepared and committed as this couple was. I approached this phone call prayerfully and humbly, hoping that the spirit would soften the hearts of the parents. In my phone call I praised the moral character of their daughter and the young man she loved. I explained that our standards are different from the worlds and praised the couple’s commitment to abstain from sexual intimacy before marriage. I further told the parents that couples who marry in the temple must uphold high standards of personal and moral integrity and that a temple marriage is seen as a binding commitment with profound religious significance. I also said that as a professor I value education and knew that their daughter and her fiancé were both committed to her finishing her degree. The parents left the decision about pursuing marriage up to their daughter, but were not encouraging or supportive.
Even without strong family support, this young couple made the correct choice and were married in the right place and at the right time. The spirit was so strong in the sealing room that morning. There was a feeling of joy in the room. Now, years later, the couple is happily married, the wife completed her degree and they are expecting a child in a few months. Today I want to talk to you about the importance of a commitment to marriage and family, even in the face of growing opposition. Few of us have the kind of direct opposition this couple faced, but marriage and family are under attack and all of us need to be prepared to defend marriage and family.
Family has long been seen as the primary teaching and socializing agent for children. Even though some in the academy dispute the role of parents, the conventional view remains that “the effects of parenting are likely to become large effects over time.” In a recent summary of the psychology literature, the authors state: “specific parental influences, consistently experienced, likely accumulate to produce larger meaningful outcomes over the childhood and adolescent years.” You noticed the use of modifiers in that sentence, that is the way academics write for each other. If we ask young adults rather than adolescents, we find much greater similarity to parents in values and behaviors. A lot of things your parents said or expected of you as teenagers will make more sense to you when you are parents yourselves.
Former prime minister of Great Britain, Margaret Thatcher, summarized the powerful role of family when she said: “The family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure center, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of society. It fashions our beliefs; it is the preparation for the rest of our life.”
In my own field of political science we know that the family is central to our core values.
Freed Greenstein, in his landmark book, Children and Politics, said “The most important source of children’s conceptions of authority undoubtedly is the civic instruction which goes on incidental to normal activities in the family.” In the family we acquire our sense of freedom, democracy, and patriotism.
A good friend of mine once hosted to Sunday dinner a prominent national journalist who is not LDS. As was traditional, the father went around the dinner table asking each of the children what they had learned in Church that Sunday. I suspect this might be a tradition in your homes as well. For this journalist this was a remarkable experience. To hear children as young as three or four years of age, teenagers, and parents share the lessons they learned and to observe the family interaction was for this journalist, an example of how LDS families build faith and relationships. He is correct in that perception.
Our church leaders also see the family as central. President Boyd K. Packer said, “Nothing is more important to the church and to civilization than the family.” Family has a transcendent importance. Elder Russell M. Nelson said, “with the Lord, families are essential. He created the earth that we could gain physical bodies and form families. He established His Church to exalt families. He provides temples so that families can be together forever.”
Evidence of the importance of the family to our time is the fact that the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles issued “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” This proclamation, one of only five such pronouncements since the gospel was restored, was given by President Gordon B. Hinckley at the General Relief Society Meeting in 1995. President Hinckley prefaced his reading of the proclamation with some alarming statistics about children born out of wedlock and the consequences for society of the breakdown of the family in terms of welfare and other costs. He also said, “With so much sophistry that is passed off as truth, with so much of deception concerning standards and values, with so much allurement and enticement to take on the slow stain of the world, we have felt to warn and forewarn.”
The Proclamation uses strong language, words like: “solemnly proclaim,” “declare,” “affirm,” “warn,” “call upon.” Some important elements of the proclamation are that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” “Divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.” “We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.” “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”
If you have not read the proclamation recently or don’t have a copy, I urge you to get one and carefully read it. A close friend of mine, Tim Flanigan, served until recently as Deputy Counsel to President George W. Bush. When I visited Tim in his office in the West Wing of the White House I observed a framed copy of the proclamation hanging on his wall. What a wonderful statement about his values. But an even more powerful statement is the kind of parents Tim and Katie Flanigan are to their fourteen children.
Commenting on the title of the proclamation, Elder Henry B. Eyring has observed,
Three things about the title are worth our careful reflection. First the subject: the family. Second, the audience, which is the whole world. And third, those proclaiming it are those we sustain as prophets, seers, and revelators. All this means that the family must be of tremendous importance to us, that whatever the proclamation says could help anyone in the world, and that the proclamation fits the Lord’s promise when he said, ‘Whether by mine own voice or by the voice of the servants, it is the same.’ (Doctrine and Covenants 1:38).
Because of the central importance of the family, it makes sense that Satan would attack marriage and family. Book of Mormon Prophet Nephi commented on the last days and made some remarkable predictions: “For behold, at that day shall he [Satan] rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good,” Nephi continues “And thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.” Elder Russell M. Nelson helps us understand the purposes of the adversary when he says, “Because the work (and glory) of God is to bring to pass our immortality and eternal life as a family, it logically follows that the work of the adversary will strike directly at the heart of the home–the family. Relentlessly Lucifer attacks the sanctity of life and the joy of parenthood.”
The adversary works to undermine marriage and family in a variety of ways, but often indirectly. As Elder Ballard said in his recent conference address,
When Satan wants to disrupt the work of the Lord, he doesn’t poison the world’s peanut butter supply, thus bringing the Church’s missionary system to its collective knees. He doesn’t send a plague of laryngitis to afflict the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. He doesn’t legislate against green Jell-O or casseroles. When Satan truly wants to disrupt the work of the Lord, he attempts to confuse gender and attacks God’s plan for His spirit children... Satan knows that the surest and most effective way to disrupt the Lord’s work is to diminish the effectiveness of the family and the sanctity of home.
One of the primary tools of the adversary against the family has been the media. Adultery, fornication and homosexuality are now commonplace on prime time television. The Kaiser Family Foundation has found that as much as three-quarters of prime time television programs have sexual content. Each week, millions of Americans tune into programs that mock and trivialize sacred marital bonds, while promoting the concept of cohabitation. These programs over time have a way of desensitizing our moral thinking, making what is wrong appear normal or acceptable. In social science we talk about media sources and peer groups as establishing a reference point or reference group which orients our behavior. Lets not let the media become our reference group. The best way to avoid the slippery slope of the media mocking the sacred is to simply avoid all programing inconsistent with our values and urge others we love to do the same.
Sadly, many have accepted this false notion of “trying out a relationship” before really committing to marriage. A majority of all U.S. marriages today involve cohabitation before the wedding. Between 1974 and 1994 the percentage of marriages preceded by cohabitation rose form 10 percent to 56 percent. Nearly 60 percent of high school seniors indicate agreement with the statement that “it is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along.”
The truth about cohabitation is quite different than that depicted on television, in movies, or the internet. Researchers have found that
cohabiting couples experience greater conflict, lower quality of relationships, lower stability, and lower equality for the women involved. Domestic violence is far more common among couples living together than those who are married, leading one analyst to note that the phrase ‘wife beating’ is a misnomer. A more precise term would be ‘girlfriend beating.’
Is some of the world’s thinking creeping into our thinking? Does the fear of commitment scare us away from the idea of searching for a potential marriage partner? I sense a growing tendency, especially among LDS returned missionary males to postpone dating or a serious exploration for a possible marriage partner. Maybe it is out of concern to finish school, or maybe our difficult economic times make it hard to imagine entering into marriage, or maybe these eligibles fear making a mistake in what they know to be one of the most important decisions they will ever make. But we have been told over and over that it is important to be anxiously engaged in seeking a marriage partner. When both a man and a woman have had a spiritual confirmation that they should be married, they should do so. President Hinckley encourages all young adults to seek such confirmations and act accordingly. He said,
To our young adults of marriageable circumstances, I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don’t go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision.
Might the adversary be influencing us in other ways? Do we doubt that people can be really committed to each other enough to make marriage work? Sometimes people perceive themselves to be unfit for marriage if they don’t come from an “ideal” LDS family. You have the power to create a new pattern for your marriage and the family you form. I know, I have seen this happen in my own family.
If you have these concerns, please listen carefully to what Prophets and Apostles have told us. Make their counsel a matter of personal prayer and then respond to the prompting of the spirit. Elder O. Leslie Stone states that marriage offers many “opportunities for growth and development. As we meet the challenges successfully, we will enjoy peace, love, and tranquility in our marriage and in our home.” Marriage, like all other aspects of our Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness, allows us to learn and grow, to progress. The critical thing is what kind of relationship do we want and are we willing to pursue this eternal relationship in the Lord’s way, with real commitment for time and all eternity. If you and I are committed to that, I am confident we can create the kind of family and home we want. Marriage and family are powerful change agents, a power only amplified when we have the blessings of eternal covenants with our Heavenly Father.
As President Hinckley mentioned when he read the proclamation, there is much of sophistry about marriage and family in the world. The myth of cohabitation being beneficial is only one of the lies and deceptions surrounding marriage and family that we confront today. Others are that marriages don’t or cannot last; that marriage is merely a social construct and can be redefined to permit same sex couples; that career and reputation brings more satisfaction than children and family. Some see marriage as outmoded and unnecessary, others say divorce is liberating, or even that parents are irrelevant. The list could go on and on. Do you see a pattern here? What is the common theme of these messages–hopelessness, self-centeredness, living in violation of longstanding commandments.
Marriages can last and relationships continue to grow for years and years. Last April, President and Sister Hinckley celebrated their 66th Wedding Anniversary. President Hinckley has said of Sister Hinckley,
She has been the lodestar of their lives, and they all look back to her as the source of inspiration and the one to have a happy time with. They love her, she loves them... I love this dear companion of mine. . . . To her, I give all the credit for the virtues of our family, including our children and our grandchildren and our great-grandchildren.
Sister Hinckley has said of President Hinckley,
He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.
What a wonderful example President and Sister Hinckley are to all of us.
Contrary to the myths of the adversary, marriage is good for us. Marriage and family scholarship shows that
a lasting marriage proves to be more beneficial physically, mentally, economically, even sexually than exercise programs, medical treatments, financial investments, or therapy sessions. The research even shows why marriage contributes to so many facets of adult well-being and, perhaps most helpful, pinpoints qualities common to couples whose marriages have lasted–qualities even fallible humans are capable of achieving.
What can you do to strengthen marriage and family? One thing is be a good example and don’t apologize for valuing marriage and family. In my first teaching job at a university back East some colleagues routinely teased me about being married and especially having multiple children. I tried to take the teasing in stride. Then, years later after taking a position at BYU, one of those who used to ridicule me, called. He said that he had fallen in love and was thinking of getting married. I told him that I thought marriage was a wonderful institution and that he should take the leap. He said, “you don’t understand, she will want children.” I said that I also find children a great joy. He then asked a telling question, “Do you think I can be happily married and be happy as a father?” I told him that marriage helps people grow and change for the better and that so do children. He got married, he and his wife have three children and I will never forget how proud he was to show photos of his first child soon after her birth.
What lessons can we learn from my colleague’s phone call. People will often not tell you they respect you for your commitment to marriage and family. But they are watching and as in this case, modeling.
Another thing we can do is replace fear with faith. There is a tendency on the part of some of us to hang back from relationships, to be preoccupied with the consequence of a mistake. Don’t. I can remember some of those feelings myself. I worried, for example how I could commit to marriage when I did not know how I would provide for my family. I wanted to have a clear sense of how life would unfold. The answer for me, then and now is found in my favorite hymn, “Lead Kindly Light.” The first verse that especially touched me then and now is,
Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom; Lead thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me.
A third thing we can do is to keep trying. Many here today either do not come from ideal families or have not yet found a companion they love and who shares their commitment to be sealed in the Lord’s house. What are we to do in that event? Elder Richard G. Scott has said, “Seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life through the ideal family. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can through obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able.” “If for the present, that does not include sealing in the temple to a righteous companion, live for it, Pray for it. Exercise faith that you will obtain it.” It is important for us to understand that we have the power to build our own families, to accomplish change.
When we were married, my wife’s family was not active and could not be there with us at our sealing in the temple. Years later while we were visiting at the home of my wife’s parents, the doorbell rang and my mother-in-law said from the kitchen, “If it’s the home teachers, we are busy.” My wife answered the door and it was the home teachers. She invited them in. She and I and the home teachers had a nice conversation. After a while, my father-in-law appeared in the doorway and surprised us all by asking what time church services were in the ward on Sunday. We happily offered to go to church with him that Sunday.
Both my wife and I prayed for a great sacrament meeting. We prayed that our two young children would be good during the meeting. Our son and daughter were good but the meeting was not spectacular. The ward choir sang a little off key and the speakers were a little dry. But that was not how my father-in-law saw the meeting. He loved it. He felt the spirit. He wanted to go back. Inviting in those home teachers and attending that sacrament meeting started a process that resulted in my both of my wife’s parents becoming active again, my father in law serving in the bishopric of that ward and later, they as a couple served a proselyting mission to New Zealand. Never give up, keep trying to be an influence for good in your family.
We may also have opportunity to influence public policy. We need to be informed and prepared to express our views on marriage and family at every level of government. Then we need to speak out. Remember what Sir Edmund Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”
I want to bear you my testimony that marriage is ordained of god to bless us, help us grow and prepare us to return to him. My marriage and my family are great blessings in my life. I am grateful for them. In these relationships I have changed and to grown and have found the love and support needed to make those changes. The same can be true for all of us. Moreover, investing in these relationships will pay eternal dividends.
I am grateful for living prophets and apostles who have taught us and the world the importance of family. I testify that their examples and teachings will help us avoid mistakes and find happiness. In the Name of Jesus Christ, amen.