Music and prayer: thank you.
You young people are a wonderful sight. It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was young and in school. After graduating, I started my career teaching automotive technology at a large high school where about 180 students passed through my classroom door—my shop door—each day. I was also teaching a night class once a week for the county vehicle emissions program. My wife, Shelly, and I were raising our children, striving to live the gospel the best that we knew how, and I was working on a master’s degree. I was also serving as the ward Young Men’s president. I felt that I could not handle one more thing. Shelly and I were both happy and we were busy.
I received a phone call one evening from a brother in our ward who was the ward activities chairperson. He asked if I could have the young men perform a skit for the ward activity that was scheduled in three weeks. I assured him I could. Unfortunately, I put off the assignment and didn’t give it much thought until he called me about three nights before the ward activity to see if the young men were prepared to perform their skit. I said, “I’m sorry, we won’t be performing anything that night. We are not prepared.” He retorted, “I gave you an assignment and you agreed to it. I expect—the ward expects—that you will have the young men ready for their part that night.”
I was puzzled and bothered at his response, and I wanted to react. But something inside me—a feeling—helped me understand that I needed to be CAUTIOUS in my reply. I didn’t realize it then, but looking back, I now see that I was in a moment of what Steven R. Covey describes as the space between stimulus and response.
In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, it states:
Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.[1]
Our power to choose a response in a large sense defines who we are. All of us are created with a conscience, or the “light of Christ,” in that we have an inner awareness of right and wrong in regard to our personal behavior. We choose our thoughts, our words, and our actions.
Elder David A. Bednar in 2006 shared this in a talk entitled “And Nothing Shall Offend Them.”
It ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make.[2]
In his book, Bonds That Make Us Free, Terry Warner shares this:
When we act with integrity, according to what we . . . feel is right, we have nothing to cover up . . . we don’t have to spend any effort trying to make it seem right.[3]
Here I was at the crossroads of choice, debating in my heart whether to comply with what I had earlier agreed to or to choose to be upset in an effort to cover up my injured feelings, for I was receiving correction for my not being prepared. I was basically contemplating to either be right with this good brother and myself or to be offended.
This past week on the devotional discussion board, I posed this question: "How can we develop the strength of character to not take offense in our interactions with others?" I was amazed at the many responses and I wish to mention a few.
- Sheri: “Offense is how we perceive it; it is our decided judgement that causes the reaction.”
- Chantel: “We expect others to be perfect in their responses and actions, yet we hope to be given the benefit of the doubt.”
- Sherry: “Letting someone offend me gives my power away.”
- Chelsea “I have learned that taking offense has never solved the problem; it just has intensified it.”
In last week’s devotional, “Finding Purpose and Having Courage,” Brother Merrick shared something that Elder David A. Bednar taught when he was president of BYU-Idaho.
[The] faculty, staff, students, ecclesiastical leaders, and so forth—[have] a responsibility to impact others for good. Each interaction with a student or colleague is a potential teaching and learning opportunity.[4]
After reflecting on this statement, I would add it is in our interactions with others, that part of impacting each other for good is to be a good listener, to be teachable, and have the courage to examine ourselves. How we interact with others often brings out the natural man within us. You and I mingle with various individuals every day; we make decisions each day, every minute of the day. A big part of this life is about overcoming some of our natural tendencies in order to be more of what Christ would have us become.
Pahoran is a great example of someone who did not take offense. He had the strength of character to look beyond some scathing comments he received from Captain Moroni.
In a talk entitled “Meek and Lowly of Heart,” Elder David A. Bednar describes how Pahoran, the chief judge of the Nephites, responded to Captain Moroni.[5] I wish now to paraphrase what he shared: during a perilous period of war, an exchange of epistles occurred between Captain Moroni and Pahoran. Moroni, whose army was suffering because of inadequate support from the government, wrote to Pahoran “by the way of condemnation”[6] and accused him and his fellow leaders of thoughtlessness, slothfulness, neglect, and even being traitors.[7]
Pahoran easily might have resented Moroni and his inaccurate allegations, but he did not. He responded compassionately and described a rebellion against the government about which Moroni was not aware. And then Pahoran declared:
“Behold, I say unto you, Moroni, that I do not joy in your great afflictions, yea, it grieves my soul. . . . “In your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart.”[8]
Elder Bednar then explains why Pahoran was able to respond the way he did. “Pahoran was blessed with perspective and strong self-restraint to act rather than react as he explained to Moroni the challenges arising from a rebellion against the government.” Pahoran was a person that was meek and a person who is meek is “strong, not weak . . . courageous, not timid . . . and gracious, not brash. A meek person is not easily provoked . . . and readily acknowledges the accomplishments of others.”[9]
In my view, Pahoran’s response parallels something President Russell M. Nelson has challenged us to do, that is to respond to others in a higher, more Christlike way. In April 2022 in his address entitled “The Power of Spiritual Momentum,” he stated:
My call today, dear brothers and sisters, is to end conflicts that are raging in your heart, your home, and your life. Bury any and all inclinations to hurt others—whether those inclinations be a temper, a sharp tongue, or a resentment for someone who has hurt you. The Savior commanded us to turn the other cheek, to love our enemies, and to pray for those who despitefully use us. It can be painfully difficult to let go of anger that feels so justified. . . . And yet, the Savior admonished us to “forgive all men.” . . . How can we expect peace to exist in the world when we are not individually seeking peace and harmony? Brothers and sisters, I know what I’m suggesting is not easy. . . . I plead with you to do all you can to end personal conflicts.[10]
One form of personal conflict is when we hold a grudge because we have chosen to be offended by what someone else has done or may have said. And quite often, the other person doesn’t even know that they have offended us. In the end, the Spirit withdraws unless we make things right with the other person.
An early Church history example of making amends after an offense is depicted in this brief story of Joseph and Emma Smith. David Whitmer, who witnessed the incident, recorded this:
He [Joseph Smith] was a religious and straightforward man. . . . He had to trust in God. He could not translate unless he was humble and possessed the right feelings towards everyone. One morning when he was getting ready to continue the translation, something went wrong about the house and he was put out about it. Something that Emma . . . had done. Oliver and I went upstairs and Joseph came up soon after to continue the translation but he could not do anything. He could not translate a single syllable. He went downstairs, out into the orchard, and made supplication to the Lord; was gone about an hour—came back to the house, and asked Emma's forgiveness and then came upstairs where we were and then the translation went on all right. He could do nothing save he was humble and faithful.[11]
All of us at various times in our lives struggle with choosing whether or not to become offended. Some years ago, before I came to BYU-Idaho, I was experiencing some turbulence in my life largely because of how I chose to react in regard to others. I wasn’t happy and was quick to point out faults in others. I didn’t do it publicly or out loud, but it was something I did in my heart and under my breath. It took me a while to admit that I wasn’t happy and for the most part, I was someone who could become offended easily.
It was at this point in my life that I decided to do some searching and pleading with the Lord for an improvement in attitude. I was attracted to conference talks as never before and I read and re-read some selected talks a number of times over a period of months. After a time, I decided I was willing to do about anything to become happier and I needed God’s help.
In the process of all this, I came up with a saying that I would rehearse under my breath whenever I felt I was approaching the weakness to be easily offended. I would stop and say to myself: “I’m probably wrong in my assumptions about so and so, and Troy, you need to work on your own weaknesses.”
What lead me to develop such a little phrase? Perhaps it was from these two insights from the foremost conference talk that I read several times during this period. It was President Ezra Taft Benson’s talk “Beware of Pride.” Two lines that I discovered from this talk penetrated my heart and caused me to examine myself like I had never done before. Here they are:
Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.
Think on this. Here’s the second:
There is . . . a far more common ailment among us—that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another.[12]
The part about “withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another” really struck me. It was then that I decided to try something: to give compliments to others instead of harboring an incorrect assumption—a judgement, if you will. I noticed a difference right away and I started improving and feeling better at a rate I didn’t expect. And the responses I received back from those whom I gave a simple word of encouragement to built my confidence, in that their compliments to me in return gave me something more than what I had anticipated.
A “story is told concerning Charles W. Penrose. He was a convert to the Church and served as a missionary in England for some 11 years. When he was released, he sold some of his belongings to pay for his trip to Zion. Some of the Saints observing him said that he was taking [and selling] Church property.
This angered him so, that he went upstairs in his residence, sat down, and wrote these verses.”[13]
School thy feelings, O my brother; Train thy warm, impulsive soul. Do not its emotions smother, But let wisdom’s voice control. School thy feelings; there is power In the cool, collected mind. Passion shatters reason’s tower, Makes the clearest vision blind. School thy feelings; condemnation Never pass on friend or foe, Though the tide of accusation Like a flood of truth may flow. Hear defense before deciding, And a ray of light may gleam, Showing thee what filth is hiding Underneath the shallow stream. School thy feelings, O my brother; Train thy warm, impulsive soul. Do not its emotions smother, But let wisdom’s voice control.[14]
Two scriptures that have also helped me—and continue to help me—come to understand the need to be receptive instead of taking offense are these:
My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction.[15] Reproofs of instruction are the way of life.[16]
We need to be teachable if we are to find happiness. Schooling our feelings and being willing to accept correction is something of a repentance process. The light of Christ within us can give us a desire to improve as we repent. President Nelson gives us this reassurance about our striving to improve.
Nothing is more liberating, more ennobling, or more crucial to our individual progression than is a regular, daily focus on repentance.[17]
So how did I respond to the good brother in my ward who asked me to have the young men perform a skit at a ward social? This one time, I happened to listen to a quiet, calm feeling that prompted me to reply in a cautious way and to not take offense. As I did so, a feeling of relief swept over me as I changed my answer of not being prepared and unsupportive to the prior response that I had agreed to initially. I reassured him that the young men would take part in the ward activity.
After I hung up the phone, an impression came to my mind in a clear way. It was this: that the young men of the ward would be much better served by my not taking offense, and instead to be supportive of the ward activity AND to a fellow ward member who was trying to do his best in fulfilling his calling.
I was then prompted to call one of my counselors and explained what we needed to come up with in three days, who, after listening to me and the predicament I had gotten myself into, said, “Leave it to me. I have an idea that the young men and the ward members will all enjoy.” Here again a feeling of relief and gratitude came as this load was lifted from me. I gained a confidence that day that being willing to receive correction is part of life and that the Lord is generous to us as we strive to improve ourselves. A few days later, the young men did perform their skit, and thanks to my fellow presidency member, it was a success.
There is more to this story: about 18 months after this ward activity, the good brother who was our activities chair was called to serve as bishop of our ward, and he asked that I serve as a counselor to him in the new bishopric. It was then that I became even more appreciative that I did not react but responded to him in a positive way.
When we are receptive to correction and not easily offended, it is like what President Nelson says about repentance—that it is most liberating and enobling.
In closing, I wish to share what the Lord admonished His disciples: “that [they] should not be offended.”[18] May we somehow remember Pahoran’s example of self-restraint when we find ourselves in that space between stimulus and response. And in those times when we do take offense, may we remember Brother Joseph’s willingness to correct himself in order to make things right with Emma and with the Spirit.
The Lord’s perfect Atonement can enable us, through our imperfections, to accept reproofs and to make amends. Schooling our feelings is liberating and allows the light of Christ to be more present in our lives. Of this I testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes
[1] Steven R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Free Press, 1990.
[2] David A. Bednar, “And Nothing Shall Offend Them,” Ensign, Nov. 2006.
[3] C. Terry Warner, Bonds That Make Us Free, Shadow Mountain, 2001.
[4] David A. Bednar, “Inaugural Response,” Ricks College, Feb. 27, 1998.
[5] See David A. Bednar, “Meek and Lowly of Heart,” Ensign, May 2018.
[6] Alma 60:2.
[7] See Alma 60:6–7, 14, 18.
[8] David A. Bednar, “Meek and Lowly of Heart,” Ensign, May 2018.
[9] Ibid.
[10] Russell M. Nelson, “The Power of Spiritual Momentum,” Liahona, May 2022.
[11] B. H. Roberts, A Comprehensive History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Brigham Young University Press, 1930.
[12] Ezra Taft Benson, “Beware of Pride,” Ensign, May 1989.
[13] Gordon B. Hinckley, “Slow to Anger,” Ensign, Nov. 2007.
[14] “School Thy Feelings,” Hymns, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
[15] Proverbs 3:11.
[16] Proverbs 6:23.
[17] Russell M. Nelson, “We Can Do Better and Be Better,” Ensign, May 2019.
[18] John 16:1.