I am very grateful for my friends and family and all the prayers offered on my behalf as I prepared for this address. When I received a call in May to be the devotional speaker, my first thought was, what could I possibly share? My second thought was, well, at least it's the summer term and fewer people will be listening. However, after I was able to get over the initial shock, my feelings turned to gratitude to be able to share this message at a place where I have been given so much and my life has truly been changed for good. And I will really be grateful in about 30 minutes.
I want a little audience participation today, so I'm going to ask a few questions. Raise your hand if when you were younger you knew exactly what you wanted to be when you were older? I did too. I wanted to be a singer—and not just any singer but to sing on stage. You see, I have an older sister that was and still is an amazing singer, and I wanted to be like her. But, as you may have guessed, my plan did not work out. I am not a singer.
So, obviously, my plan changed, and I went on to plan B. Once the singer phase passed, I wanted to be a writer because I love to read. I was even grounded for reading. I wrote one good play in second grade that a few of my fellow students performed, but it was downhill after that, so I'm not a writer either. In fact, my life plan has changed so many times I've lost count.
Now let's be really honest. How many of you are on a different plan than you wanted or expected? Maybe it wasn't your choice. Maybe you didn't get into another university and BYU-Idaho was the only option. Maybe you don't know what you want to study and you feel stuck, hoping that something will inspire you. Maybe you had a plan, but it's not what you thought it would be, and now you don't know what to do. Maybe you're just drifting, hoping that once the current crisis is over, you'll know where to focus your energies. Maybe you've been in the same job so long you are in a rut or you don't feel challenged.
So why are life plan changes so hard for us to accept? Sometimes our plans change simply because we change our minds. Sometimes our plans are changed for us. Sometimes when we are feeling stuck, no matter how hard we work, it seems nothing works out and we have no idea what to do next. Sometimes our life plans change so drastically we aren't sure how to keep moving forward and how to cope with the changes.
Elder Paul V. Johnson said, "At times it may seem that our trials"—or changes to our life plan, as I like to call them—"are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses."[1]
My parents were converts, and in fact it was my father who allowed the missionaries into our home. My mother was so opposed to their visits that she constantly offered them cigarettes, coffee, tea, and other non-Word of Wisdom-approved beverages. I'm not sure why they came back, but I am grateful that they did. Eventually, they taught the lesson on eternal families, and my parents were baptized. My mother gave up all her Word of Wisdom issues cold turkey and never looked back. They were sealed in the temple when my mother was pregnant with me. She had basically been an only child and wanted a large, loving family. Well, she got the large part, and most of the time we were loving to each other. Many years later, my father left her with eight children when my youngest sibling was five. I will never forget how devastated my mother was those first few days. Her life plan—which she wanted so badly—had been so drastically changed. My siblings and I all dealt with this change in different ways. I stayed by my mother's side and even slept on the floor beside her many nights. One brother told me he felt he wasn't normal anymore because we didn't have a "perfect" family. Another brother felt relief as he had always had a strained relationship with my father. And I could go on, but in some way or another, we all felt frozen or broken and didn't know how to really move forward.
It was the first experience I had of having a life plan change that was difficult for not only me but my entire family and a life change that had eternal consequences. While it was devastating and took time for us all to adjust to the "new plan," eventually I saw the quiet strength and determination my mother had to move forward with a life plan she did not want nor expect. I saw her keep her head up high and continue to teach her children the gospel. I saw the Lord put many people in our lives to compensate for the change. I saw my brothers take the priesthood lead in our home. And I saw my brothers and sisters care for my mother with great love and respect.
Even with that example from my youth and knowing that life could be hard, changes to my life plan continued to be interesting. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, but that was not an option for me. During the early years of my temple marriage, I never dreamed it would end in divorce, but it did. Sometimes changes were easy to accept. Other times I have had to pray for help with specific, hard changes and that I would be courageous enough to accept and handle them when and if they did happen. Changes to my plan were the most difficult to handle when I didn't seem to have a purpose, and all I could do was follow the example of my mother, which was to just keep moving forward, focus on my blessings, and trust the Lord knew what He was doing.
Five years ago, I took a huge leap of faith, and I trusted in the Lord when I accepted a position in the Student Financial Aid Office here on campus. I relocated from Arkansas—where I had lived for 16 years, where my four children were raised, and where my mother and two siblings resided. I knew it was the right move, because the Lord had confirmed it to me many times before, during and after the move. But even with that confirmation, my attention was often focused on how hard life was during that time and how hard it was to move forward. Sister Janet G. Lee said in a BYU devotional address, "How many times are we, as Heavenly Father's children, immobilized because the choice we had in mind for ourselves just isn't available to us, at least not at the time we want it?" She went on to say, "It is so easy to...do nothing when things wished for and dreamed about are beyond our reach."[2] During this time and other times in my life, I have been immobilized. I believe it was because I didn't feel like I had a plan for my life. I knew the Lord had a plan, but I wasn't sure it was the plan I wanted. I wanted to pick my own plan, not rely on the Lord's plan, and I wanted my plan to happen right now. Isn't that funny? I thought I could just put the Lord out of the equation even though I depended on Him so much. I also knew the Lord loved His children and blessed them in their struggles, but sometimes I wasn't sure how that applied to me. I allowed Satan to discourage and disable me.
Recently, I went to Yellowstone with some of my family. I saw this view and had to take a picture.
This is often how I have felt during struggles in my life. I felt that the Lord had forgotten about me and stuck me in a deserted spot. All I could see was that I was in this all by myself.
A year or so after I relocated to Rexburg, I was reading in the Lorenzo Snow manual for a Relief Society lesson, and I came across this quote:
It is impossible for us to work out our salvation and accomplish the purposes of God without trials or without sacrifices.
Trials and tribulations have been the experience of the Latter-day Saints. God so designed that it should be. I daresay that in the [premortal] spirit world, when it was proposed to us to come into this probation, and pass through the experience that we are now receiving, it was not altogether pleasant and agreeable; the prospects were not so delightful in all respects as might have been desired. Yet there is no doubt that we saw and understood clearly there that, in order to accomplish our exaltation and glory, this was a necessary experience; and however disagreeable it might have appeared to us, we were willing to conform to the will of God, and consequently we are here.[3]
While I know this life will be hard, when I was younger I always focused on how wonderful it must have been to be there and choose our Father's plan. I grew up thinking I was there in the premortal life, together with my siblings, parents, and future family, and we all cheered together that this was a wonderful chance and we could do it. I imagined us all jumping for joy at the thought of mortality. But as I matured and lived these difficulties and felt the exquisite pain and suffering of this mortal body, I couldn't imagine I wanted all this heartache and pain, all these trials, all these life plan changes. So this quote from President Snow finally made sense. We knew how difficult this life would be. It was not just a cliché on a poster. We knew before that this life would be so very hard. We knew before that we would be hurt by others—sometimes by those we love the most. We knew that we would feel pain and disappointment and grief. We knew it, and yet we still chose to experience mortality. We chose to come to earth and follow our Father's plan because we trusted Him. We trusted Him then, and we must trust Him now. So whatever I was dealing with in my life, I knew it was going to be okay. I knew the Lord was in charge and things would happen in His time. Not my plan, and not my timing, but the Lord's plan and the Lord's timing. The Lord was not going to let me fail. He was going to take everything in my life, good and bad, and use it for good if I would let Him. D&C 90:24 says it better: "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another."[4]
Even though I knew in my heart things would be okay, my mind wasn't always content with that answer. So I turned to examples in the scriptures to help me. Sometimes I connected with very positive examples that buoyed me up. Other times I connected more with the not-so-great examples. One instance is Lehi's family. Their entire family's life plan changed, and while Nephi embraced the change, Laman and Lemuel did not. Nephi didn't just follow blindly but often went to the Lord to understand in order to be able to accept the changes and know his part. However, Laman and Lemuel did not accept the change well. They murmured and complained and basically whined because their plan changed without their permission. They too were immobilized and couldn't move forward. This inability to accept their life plan change eventually broke their family apart, and for generations their posterity blamed others for what they felt they had lost—all because of a change in plans. While I would like to say I was always like Nephi, there are times I connected, and still connect, more with Laman and Lemuel.
Another example is that of the people of Ammon. When they were presented with the gospel and a new plan for their lives, they accepted it wholeheartedly, and those that were converted never fell away. Not one of them was upset that their previous life plan changed, because what they gained was better. They now understood the plan of salvation, the great plan of happiness as Alma called it. They embraced the gospel and its teachings to the point that they, as Alma 23:13 says, "laid down the weapons of their rebellion, yea, all their weapons of war."[5] They put aside the only life they had ever known. They were not like the Nephites. They were warriors and scavengers; they were not farmers and peacemakers. They changed their entire way of life. Alma 23:18 says, "And they began to be a very industrious people."[6] They even changed their name to the Anti-Nephi-Lehies to reflect their new life.
But what happens next is amazing to me. After they had put away their weapons of war and changed their way of life, many of the unconverted Lamanites were angry and took up arms in war against the people of Ammon. Because they so totally embraced the gospel—embraced their new life plan—the Anti-Nephi-Lehies took their weapons of war that they had put away and buried them. They buried them even though they knew the Lamanites were coming to kill them. They buried their weapons so they would not be tempted to go back to their old life. They buried them as a sign they wanted to move forward, not only for themselves but for their future generations. They knew that their life plan change was not only for them but for their posterity, and who were those future generations but the stripling warriors.
We all know what happens next. The Lamanites came and the Anti-Nephi-Lehies went out to meet them. They didn't cower in their homes, they didn't say "why me," they didn't murmur or complain, they didn't look in the rearview mirror. I can't imagine this is the life plan they thought they would be getting when they accepted the gospel, but they embraced their new life plan because they trusted the Lord. They trusted him literally with their lives and the lives of their families. Many perished while praising God. They showed by their actions their testimony was more important than anything else.
I don't know, but I would assume there were people on both sides that knew each other and loved each other. Friend versus friend. And because of the example of the Anti-Nephi-Lehies, more Lamanites joined the people of God that day than were slain. The Lord took this terrible situation and turned it for good not only at that particular time but also many years later, when over two thousand young men chose Helaman, the prophet of the Lord, to be their leader and chose to defend their families so their parents didn't have to break their covenants with the Lord—the two thousand young men who had not been trained in warfare or how to handle a sword but were propelled by their faith. Alma 56:47: "Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them".[7]
I can't speak for any of you, but I have never been asked to give up my life for the gospel or my beliefs. I doubt that will ever happen to me. But the Lord does expect me to take the life I have been dealt and to do the best I can with it. All of us have had trials or changes in our lives, and many of us may be living with difficult situations right now. If you are struggling, consider counseling or medical help if necessary. But know that no matter what you are going through, the Lord is there. The Lord loves us because we are His, and He will always love us no matter what we have done or what we haven't done. He hears you and is there to comfort you if you will let Him. He is there to heal you if you want to be healed. He can make you whole. If you need to make changes in your life plan, make them. If you are waiting on the Lord to fix things, He will; just keep waiting, and continue to do your part. If your life plan has changed without your permission, embrace it, because the Lord will take everything in your life and turn it for your good, and He will send angels to your rescue. D&C 84:88 states, "And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."[8] I will admit, I have felt those angels many times. While I am always grateful for them, sometimes those angels seem to accompany me for a very long time, which I have learned means I must be patient and wait on the Lord's timing. I don't know how you feel, but for me, sometimes waiting is hard.
During that particular period of difficulty in my life that I have mentioned before, a friend gave me a talk by Brother Dale Sturm that became my daily mantra. He said, "So to those engaged right now in the hard work of waiting I would suggest...have faith. Have faith that God knows what He is doing. What God is doing in you while you wait may be more important than what you are waiting for." I want to repeat that. "What God is doing in you while you wait may be more important than what you are waiting for." Brother Sturm went on to say, "Sometimes the outcomes we think we are waiting for are not at all what God has in store for us."[9]
So we have to wait on the Lord and trust that He is working out our past for a better future. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "There are times when we have to step into the darkness in faith, confident that God will place solid ground beneath our feet once we do."[10] So how do we do that? How do we have faith and trust, and step into the darkness when our world seems to be crumbling around us?
One of my favorite scriptures is Malachi 3:10: "Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house; and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of Hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing that there shall not be room enough to receive it."[11] While this scripture is specifically about tithing, I interpret it as this: give all you have to the Lord; be humble and teachable and accepting of His will.
Quite a few years ago, I took this scripture to heart; I wanted to prove that the Lord would bless me abundantly if I gave my all to "His storehouse"—not just my tithing but my time, my obedience, my all. Then something happened where I really had to make a choice. I was in a demanding calling at the time, working full time, with four children and all the activities that involved.
One particular Sunday, when I was feeling overwhelmed, the sisters of the ward (not the youth) were encouraged to read the Book of Mormon in 30 days and promised if we did, the Lord would pour out blessings upon us. Well, I was upset. They went on to say it should only take 45 minutes to an hour a day. Well, then I nearly went ballistic. I remember all the way home thinking, "How can they ask this of me? Don't they know what I have on my plate?" I stewed for quite some time, and as I knelt in prayer that night, I remember asking the Lord for help and listing all the "blessings" I believed my family needed. Well, you could say I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. The Lord was giving me an opportunity where we had been promised an outpouring of blessings, but all I saw was another change to my life plan that I didn't want. So I decided to put it to the test, prove whether the Lord would really pour out blessings on me. Now, I know I wanted material blessings, financial blessings, but I forged ahead. The first few days were hard trying to find time to read, but after a few days a routine emerged, and sometimes one or more of my children would come and listen until I had finished, and then we would talk about their day. It was also amazing what I learned. It was the first time I had read the Book of Mormon that quickly, and it really came alive. Now, I did not receive any personal financial blessings—quite the opposite—but later, when President Gordon B. Hinckley asked us to read the Book of Mormon as a family by the end of the year, there was really no hesitation from my children, except some days when we were behind and had to read three pages instead of one and a half. President Hinckley offered this promise: "Without reservation I promise you that if each of you will observe this simple program, regardless of how many times you previously may have read the Book of Mormon, there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God."[12]
Now, I can't say we always had an added measure of the Spirit in our home, but it strengthened my testimony and understanding that the Lord's plan is always better than our own plan. Don't ask the Lord to change his plan for you, but be willing to accept His plan for you. Put all your biases aside, as hard as that is, and accept His will. He has proven to me over and over again that He loves me and that He has a plan for my life that is so much better than what I had planned for myself. He loves me even though I don't always deserve it. And I testify to you that He loves you and has a plan for you too.
Lyrics from a song by Hilary Weeks say it better than I can:
If you'll take this heart willful as it seems...
And through your mercy, refine me until I'm complete...
Until my will turns to you
Until I trust
Without hesitation
When humility has chased away the pride
Until the day and through your grace I'm
welcomed home
Until then
Prove me
(Weeks, 2007)[13]
President Lorenzo Snow said, "The Lord has determined in His heart that He will try us until He knows what He can do with us... If we succeed in passing through the approaching fiery ordeals with our fidelity and integrity unimpeached, we may expect at the close of our trials, a great and mighty outpouring of the Spirit and power of God—a great endowment upon all who shall have remained true to their covenants."[14]
Remember this dreary place where I felt I was left all alone?
When I was able to bring myself from only looking inward or looking down in despair, I was able to see the Lord had put me in a place where I was protected and loved. While I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, having work experience and skills prepared me for this job. While being single is different, the Lord has still allowed me to serve in many ways and empathize with others. He has not taken all of the baggage from my life away, but He has made it lighter and given me so many wonderful opportunities I had once only dreamed about, opportunities like having a temple within walking distance, having my four children live close to me, being able to spend time with my grandchildren, having a brother and his family—and soon my mother—living in Rexburg, and my new extended family and friends. As a result of being on this campus, and thanks to the wonderful faculty, I was able to accomplish a lifelong dream and finish my undergraduate degree in accounting this past April. I have been further blessed with the opportunity to continue forward with my education. The Lord has not left me alone, but He has given me all that I need and so much of what I truly want. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "We may at times assume that the plan of salvation requires merely that we endure and survive when, in fact, as is always the case with the gospel of Jesus Christ, it is required of us not only that we endure, but also that we endure well, that we exhibit 'grace under pressure.' This is necessary, not only so that our own passage through the trial can be a growth experience, but also because (more than we know) there are always people watching to see if we can cope, who therefore may resolve to venture forth and to cope themselves."[15] There have been and continue to be so many people in my life that help me endure, because as I watch them, they continue to endure gracefully.
Brothers and sisters, I am not special, and my challenges are small compared to some, but I know that the Lord takes those challenges, whether they are of our own making or not, and uses them for our benefit if we let Him. I bear you my testimony that we get everything we need from the Lord when we need it most, not necessarily when we want it most. I testify that when we put our biases aside and trust in the Lord's plan for us, He can work miracles in our lives and change us not only for our good but for the good of those around us.
I encourage you to look back at the blessings the Lord has given you, the challenges He has helped you overcome, and prepare yourself to be flexible as you plan your life so you can be guided by our Father in Heaven. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes
[1] Paul V. Johnson, "More Than Conquerors through Him that Loved Us," Ensign, May 2011
[2] Janet G. Lee, "Knowing When to Persevere and When to Change Direction," BYU Speeches, January 14, 1992
[3] Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Lorenzo Snow, Chapter 7: "Faithfulness in Times of Trial: 'From The Shadows into the Glorious Sunshine'", page 107
[4] D&C 90:24
[5] Alma 23:13
[6] Alma 23:18
[7] Alma 56:47
[8] D&C 84:88
[9] Dale Sturm, "Waiting: The Hardest Work of Hope", November 6, 2010
[10] Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Why of Priesthood Service," Ensign, May 2012, page 59
[11] Malachi 3:10
[12] Gordon B. Hinckley, "A Testimony Vibrant and True," Ensign, August 2005
[13] Hilary Weeks, Prove Me, The Collection, Track 7
[14] Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Lorenzo Snow, Chapter 7: "Faithfulness in Times of Trial: 'From The Shadows into the Glorious Sunshine'", page 107
[15] Neal A. Maxwell, "But For a Small Moment," BYU Speeches, September 1, 1974