My dear brothers and sisters, it is a delight to be here with you today! I ask for your faith and prayers as we consider a vitally important key to our happiness and success in this life and the eternities. I speak this afternoon about having or not having children. However, I do so in an effort to help us better understand life's tests and challenges and how we can pass those tests!
I'd ask that you have a means of taking notes and that as you do so, you listen to and write down what the Holy Ghost specifically teaches you. As you write these sacred teachings down and respond to them, you will be profoundly blessed.
Recently in the press, the USDA announced that it now costs about $241,000 to raise a child to age 18.[1] This doesn't even include a mission or college! We also see in the press, in popular TV sit coms, and in social media, the difficulties and challenges of raising children. With all this combined with the swiftly changing moral values of our day, some LDS young people are scared to death to raise children in such a wicked world.
While there's no doubt that raising children will be expensive, difficult, and at times exasperating, we also know that having a family is very important. The reason is that family binds us to something good. While family can bring us some of our greatest heartaches, it can also bring us our greatest joys, and a righteous family protects us from the influences of the world.
Most of you are single and you may be wondering how this applies to you. Most of you will be parents one day. However, even if you may never marry, may not have the opportunity to have children, or perhaps you're widowed or divorced, you still share in the responsibility to teach and train children.
The document, The Family: A Proclamation to the World, provides a foundation to our understanding of the family. And I quote: "Family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."[2]
We understand from this one sentence that God holds our family responsibilities as one of the most important things we can do in this life. Let's review four doctrines pertaining to our responsibility as parents.
In the Family Proclamation, it says: "The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force."[3]
What it doesn't say, however, is anything about timing, how many children; or how our physical, mental and emotional health might affect how we fulfill this doctrine. The reason Heavenly Father wants us to fulfill this commandment is so He can bless us with joy in our posterity throughout the eternities.
The Proclamation continues: "Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny...Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children."[4] So we are under obligation to love and care for each of our children.
Matthew teaches us that children are pure and we have a solemn duty to protect them.[5] Paul teaches that Heavenly Father is the father of our spirits and we are his offspring.[6] The doctrine here is that they're not just OUR children, but they continue to be HIS children. When we view them as His and realize that we have the responsibility to teach and train them so they'll return to Him, we will treat our children differently. We'll take our responsibility more seriously.
So, to quickly review these four doctrines:
- The family is central to God's plan for our happiness.
- We are commanded to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth.
- Children are pure and we have a responsibility to love, protect, and care for them.
- Our children are also spirit children of Heavenly Parents and we have a solemn responsibility to teach and train them with kindness, love, and affection.
Now let's talk about three of the duties we have under these doctrines. Again, from the Proclamation:
"Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives--mothers and fathers--will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."[7]
I believe we have a responsibility first to teach them.
The Lord has told us through Elder Richard G. Scott how to accomplish this task:
I'm sure you can identify the fundamental principles that center your home on the Savior. The prophetic counsel to have daily personal and family prayer, daily personal and family scripture study, and weekly family home evening are the essential, weight-bearing beams in the construction of a Christ-centered home. Without these regular practices it will be difficult to find the desired and much-needed peace and refuge from the world.[8]
Our children should have vivid memories of us taking moments to openly teach them principles of the Gospel. They should be dressed in modest clothing from day one. We should discuss modesty when you shop for clothing, so they will have that as a core value. Our responsibility as parents is to teach these core values at home, because it can't be compensated for by teachers at church. However, the void will be filled by their peers.
One thing I know is that when children are taught, they become so excited to demonstrate what they know. One child blurted out as his father was choking to death on his lunch at our family reunion, "It's okay, Dad! At school we learned the Heimlich Remover!"President Monson shares a story about a prisoner of war, a father, who taught some of life's greatest lessons in 25 words. And I quote:"In the 1960s, during the Vietnam War, Church member Jay Hess, an airman, was shot down over North Vietnam. For two years his family had no idea whether he was dead or alive. His captors in Hanoi eventually allowed him to write home but limited his message to less than 25 words. What would you and I say to our families if we were in the same situation--not having seen them for over two years and not knowing if we would ever see them again? Wanting to provide something his family could recognize as having come from him and also wanting to give them valuable counsel, Brother Hess wrote--and I quote: 'These things are important: temple marriage, mission, college. Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.'"[9]
We don't have to be prisoners of war to teach these values, but perhaps you and I can learn from a prisoner of war what's really important for us to teach and what our priorities should be.
Number one, we are under a profound obligation to teach our children.Secondly, we need to respect and value them.
I have vivid memories, and perhaps you do as well, of talking to a frustrated and angry mother or father, and hearing some of the most awful things about their children spew out of their mouth as their children stood inches away and listened with great intensity. Those tirades often ended with the feeling from the parent that they would be better off without that child.
For good or for ill, what we say about our children will become seared on their minds and will color everything they aspire to, hold to, and become. The most believable messages you deliver to your children will be those you tell others about them, especially when your children are secretly listening! The moral of this story: Speak only positively about your children, both to their faces and to others--always! While you may need to discuss their frailties and challenges with your spouse or another trusted individual behind closed doors, this should be done in very limited fashion and only in essential situations. If you value them, show them. Tell them and make sure every word you speak communicates that they are valued!
As a parent, one of the most mortifying experiences is when we have a screaming child in the grocery store, making a scene and out of control, when we feel judged as a bad parent because of the child's behavior. At times like this, we tend to lose sight of the value of that child. It requires great patience. The LDS Guide to the Scriptures defines patience as:
"Calm endurance; the ability to endure affliction, insult, or injury without complaint or retaliation."[10]
Stop and translate that definition of patience into the grocery store incident. It's the ability to "endure affliction, insult, or injury"[11] without any complaint and without retaliating against the child. And why would a just God impose this type of trial even upon righteous parents? Because he understands that we'll need to have eternal patience if one-third of our children abandon all we hold dear, that we'll need to look upon our worlds and allow our children to make mistakes, even to eternal death, and continue to respect their agency. He knows that the best tutor for that kind of patience will be our own mortal children! It is at moments like this that we will be tested to our limits. However, if we allow it, our patience will grow to the point that we can calmly kneel down face to face with our screaming child, and in a kind and loving tone, explain that they need some time out and once they're done acting out, they can come out again.
Children will defy us to respect them, at times in their life. It is only by seeing them through God's eyes, that we can look at them at those times and see someone worthy of our respect. However, once we develop that kind of response to our trials, we will become fit for Heaven!
Number two, we have a responsibility to respect and value our children.
Thirdly, we need to love them:
One of the Mormon Messages of yesteryear was "If ya love'em, tell'em!" But it takes much more then telling them, it takes showing them over, and over, and over again! Kids (and spouses, by the way), can never get that enough. How do you show them?
- By giving birth to them.
- By having family prayer with them.
- Reading to them.
- Dressing them up as a bathtub scrubber for Halloween.
- Comforting them.
- Tucking them in at night.
- Taking them amazing places and having fun.
- Filling an inner tube with water until it pops--it's by having fun with them!
- Camping with them.
- Spending time with them.
- Helping them become angels to announce the birth of the Baby Jesus on Christmas Eve.
- Preparing them for baptism.
- Preparing them for temple marriage.
- Preparing them to love and serve their spouse in kindness.
When children have been prepared and feel loved, they sometimes respond the way our five year-old grandson did to his mom when the two of them sat up to the bar eating breakfast together. He looked up at his mom and said: "I get distracted from eating when I sit by you Mommy, because I love you so much!'
The way we show we love them is to hug them and tell them. It's by making our homes a happy, safe, secure, fun, and welcoming place to be. It's done when we teach by our example how we talk about others, how we respond in a crisis, how we handle difficulty; by how we dress, speak, and conduct our lives. Love is shown by establishing consistency and constancy in the life of our children.[12]
- Teach them
- Respect and value them
- Love them
We need to teach them, to respect and value them, and love them!
Not everyone will fall into the church's optimal family situation. We have to address the optimal and desired doctrinal goal for us all, because that is still our goal. But, let's talk for a minute about those who, for various reasons may not be able to achieve that goal in this life.
The Proclamation also states that "Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation."[13]
For those of us who are frightened to have children because you were beaten and abused, suffering at the hands of overwhelmed, over tired, untaught, and sometimes unrighteous parents, would you choose to draw a line in the sands of your life this day? It's now upon you to learn better patterns of behavior. You study and pray and find the grit to become for your children, all that you wanted in your parents! You can and must become the last generation in your family to ever abuse a child! This is your test!
You can do this! Can you feel that? Heavenly Father wants you to be the pivot point, a power link in the lineage of your family where he can begin sending children into righteous loving homes. He will give you the insight and understanding to make this come true. He can change your heart from one of anger and mistrust, into one which loves others, values peace, and has learned to trust. If you truly believe in the Atonement, then you must also know and believe that His atoning sacrifice can change you!
This is your challenge. It may be your biggest test in this life! I challenge you today to begin this journey. Look around you and observe other righteous examples of kindness, tenderness, patience and the ways of peace, and the Lord will cement in your heart a resolve to always choose that path! You may make mistakes along the way. Don't get discouraged. Just ask forgiveness of the Lord, your spouse and children and do better.
Our newly baptized grandson recently heard his parents talking with us about the mistakes we made as parents and he piped up, "Yeah, I've made thousands of mistakes and I'm not even a parent yet!" We will make mistakes. Just choose to improve and move on. "Learn your Duty, then act in all diligence" and he will bless you! I testify of that!
Let's talk for a moment about those of us who may not be blessed to have children, whether it's because you may not marry, because of some physical limitation, or other reason. You have alternatives, so do what you can to find them in medical care, adoption, foster care, or by serving and loving other peoples' children. Don't give up hope! However, at some point, you will need to realize that this may be your test. Would you want instead, the difficult tests others struggle with? This is your test. While some have very visible tests, this is one you shelter deep within your heart and soul. You may even be unkindly judged because you don't have any outward signs of your struggle. You can either become bitter and hardened, resentful toward Heavenly Father and angry toward those who can have children, or, you may choose a higher path. If you choose light rather than shrinking into the darker path of anger, you will discover the light that brings joy amidst suffering! Light can bring joy--even amidst suffering!
I have some friends who are about my age and who have never been able to have children. However, they have been able to turn their challenge into a life of service to the young people of their ward and extended family. What could have become a life filled with negatives, has become a life filled with children. Kids are over at their house after school for milk and cookies, the husband has built a zip line in the pasture for the neighbor kids to play on, and he installed a long rope on a tree at the river's edge so the kids can hold onto it and knee board as the river runs beneath them. Isn't that cool! They also have opportunities to teach the lessons of life that children often have a hard time taking from a parent. Life can still be good! And when some of those kids have their rotten days, you can send them home!
As we all must, they have also learned one of life's great lessons as exemplified by the Savior:
... and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.[14]
What my friends have learned is that countless times since they've suffered their test, they've been able to take on the infirmities of others, they have had opportunity to succor others in their trials. When we lift burdens and sorrows in that way and express mercy, we experience god-like emotions of compassion and love. By doing so, our suffering assumes meaning in our lives. When we find meaning in suffering, we are better able to bear our own burdens. I repeat--when we can find meaning in the difficult things in life--by serving others who are burdened--we will be better able to bear our own burdens. I love and admire them for their willingness to bear others burdens, even amidst their own trials!
Hang on to this truth and pass this test, and recognize the great blessings you have. If someone asks if you have kids, don't feel judged, don't get depressed or angry, don't stay away from the very people who will love and support you through all of this! Just say something like, "we haven't been able to have children and now we're looking at alternatives, but life is still good!" and move on from there! Go on with confidence that all the blessings of marriage and family will be yours in the eternities. You cannot let this challenge break your spirit! If you do that, you risk breaking your relationship with Heavenly Father. Your challenge, your test, is to be patient and wait upon the Lord.
We lost a six-year-old daughter in a car accident many years ago. I was sitting in the chapel in the temple when it happened, and my wife, the brand new Young Women's president with four young children, and a two-month old baby, was headed to a Young Women's volleyball game. That was one of our tests. Now we wait anxiously for the resurrection. We all wait for something. Know that you're not alone in your grief and struggling! Just get to work in becoming the best you can be, "wait upon the Lord,"[15] and have faith in the Lord's timing as you learn the things you need to learn.
For those of us who are single parents, raise your children in the gospel. While your test isn't easy, it is within the realm of your abilities! You can do this and when life gets tough, you pray with all your might for Heavenly Father's help and he will bless you with strength. Just as with the people of Alma who served in bondage, He won't necessarily remove this burden from you, but he can make this burden sweet!
And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.[16]
Can you imagine at times when you're too tired, too stressed, too filled with emotion to put one foot in front of the other, that he can help you find cheerfulness?
Remember what he says in Doctrine and Covenants 84:88:
There I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.[17]
As you find patience with the Lord's timing and submit your heart to him, he can heal you and you can become a savior upon Mount Zion for yourself and your children. Your challenge today is to get on your knees, in the peace of your own bedroom each evening, and to express gratitude to Heavenly Father for all you do have. Pour out your heart, allow your tears to wash discouragement from your soul occasionally, and then listen to Him. Right amid your prayers, just stop talking and listen intently for what the Lord would teach you. Listen for several minutes. Have a paper and pencil handy to write those promptings down. He will teach you and you will find hope and joy in your difficult journey!
Finally, for all who will be parents. Would you please express appreciation daily for that gift that not all will enjoy? There will be days when your children will disobey, when they become angry and defiant, when you will wonder if being a parent is a gift and blessing, or a curse! Those days will be your test! However, as you lead and guide your children in righteousness, he will give you access to his "Guide to Child Rearing." You will experience at times, a nearness to the veil that will astound you as you look into the eyes of your children and realize who they really are! The day will come when your children shall arise up and call their parents blessed.[18]
And now a word of warning about the gravity of our obligation from the Proclamation on the Family:
We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."[19]
Parenting has been among my most difficult tests! However, it's also been amazingly rewarding! I will make you a promise this day, that whatever your circumstances in this life relative to having children--whether you will have them or not--if you will find God in your heart and submit it to him, understand that this is your test in this life, he will heal you and bless you to be able to bear the burdens you have.
I promise you that when you face your test with courage and righteousness, the Lord will bless you to respond as did young David, when mocked and taunted by the massive Goliath:
"Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts."[20]
May we approach our tests with the faith of young David to commit this moment never to allow the darkness of our day to defeat us. We can face our difficulties with courage and strength! Earth is a School! This is part of our final exam! While nobody has exactly the same test, we can learn from and gain courage from others! May he bless us to pass this test with flying colors! May we leave here today and approach our test with tenacity. We must not let our tests derail, depress or discourage us from being an affirmative force for good in the Lord's work!
I know that God lives, that Jesus is the Christ, and that if He can give sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, and bring back life to those who have died, he can breathe peace into our hearts! I pray that we may teach His children with diligence, respect and value them, and love them and that we may pass our tests in this life with glory! This is my prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes
[1] http://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Family/Modern-Parenthood/2013/0822/Average-cost-to-raise-a-child-241-000-sounds-low
[2] The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, The Family: A Proclamation to the World (1995)
[3] The Family Proclamation (1995)
[4] The Family Proclamation (1995)
[5] Matthew 18:3-6
[6] Hebrews 12:9
[7] The Family Proclamation (1995)
[8] Elder Richard G. Scott, "For Peace at Home," April 2013 General Conference, http://www.lds.org/general-conference/print/2013/04/for-peace-at-home?lang=eng
[9] President Thomas S. Monson, "Finding Joy in the Journey," October 2008 General Conference
[10] The Guide to the Scriptures
[11] The Guide to the Scriptures
[12] Elder N. Eldon Tanner, "Constancy Amid Change," Ensign, June 1982. http://www.lds.org/search?lang=eng&query=constancy amid change ensign june 1982
[13]The Family Proclamation (1995)
[14] Alma 7:12
[15] Psalm 123:2
[16] Mosiah 24:15
[17] D&C 84:88
[18] Proverbs 31:28
[19]The Family Proclamation (1995)
[20] 1 Samuel 17:45