In college, all students face adversity and significant stress. Some students also experience trauma and tragedy. During challenging times people can become bitter, while others develop empathy, courage, and faith. So, how do you get the good stuff? I believe that resilience is the key.
So, today I’m talking about resilience. I’ll share some stories of normal people who faced big challenges, and I’ll also share some resilience building strategies. I want to give you hope. You don’t have to just endure. You can adapt, even grow and flourish, after experiencing adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant stress.
This painting, titled A Sparrow Alone, by Elspeth Young, depicts a 23-year-old Drusilla Hendricks after she learned her husband, James, was shot.
In 1838, James and Drusilla and their five young children lived in Caldwell County, Missouri. Because of persecution, the Saints posted night guards around their communities. One autumn night, James was called to help defend the Saints from a mob at Crooked River.
The next morning, neighbor children reported to Drusilla that her husband had been shot. She writes, “I went to the field to give vent to my feelings. My husband was shot in the neck where it cut off all feeling of the body. It is of no use for me to try and tell how I felt for that is impossible.”1
The title of this painting comes from Psalms 102:1-3, 7.
Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come unto thee.
Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me; in the day when I call answer me speedily.
For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth. . . .
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
Elspeth Young provides this insight into the title of her painting:
As A Sparrow Alone portrays the moment in which Drusilla pours out her soul in heartfelt anguish, reaching heavenward for strength and assurance as she gave vent to her feelings. The figure's gaze rests upon a handful of house sparrows, foraging among the wreckage left by the mob. Despite the desolation in which she sits and the lowering skies, life is all about her. The sparrows symbolize the worth of a soul in Heaven's sight. While the Psalmist described feeling "as a sparrow alone," it was the Savior himself who
reminded his disciples that despite the seeming insignificance of a sparrow, "one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father" for "not one of them is forgotten before God. . . . Even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows."2
Drusilla’s great-grandson—my father, Vance Hendricks—also was a sparrow alone. My sister, Cathy Housley, recorded this recollection:
When my 14-year-old brother Chris fell under the tires of the tractor Dad was driving, Dad had limited options. They were in the back field with no immediate way to get help. Dad directly knelt and gave Chris a priesthood blessing, commanding him to live while my dad sought help. Leaving Chris unconscious in the field, Dad ran to the nearest house to call 911. When he got back to the tractor, Chris was still breathing.
While Chris was in the ICU, we believed that he would recover because we were a family who tried to choose the right. We thought we would be blessed for that. Besides, Chris looked so big and strong lying in the bed. He was hooked up to several machines and monitors, but he was still breathing on his own.
However, after all the medical interventions and tests, a neurosurgeon reported that Chris had no brain wave activity. She urged us to accept that Chris was gone and to consider organ donation. After she left, it was silent for a minute as we sat there reeling. Then my dear, sweet, faithful mom looked up and said, “Vance, we need to release him.” Dad stood up, responding “No. I don’t accept that.” And then he walked out of the waiting room.
He was gone for several hours. He found a treadmill in Physical Therapy and ran for as long as he could stand it. Then he went somewhere and prayed. He poured out everything to the Lord. Eventually he returned to the waiting room, looked to my mom and nodded yes. He was willing to turn it over to the Lord.
We gathered around Chris’s bed. Dad knelt and offered prayer, telling Heavenly Father we wanted His will to be done. It was a beautiful prayer. In those moments it was overwhelming and hard to accept Chris’s death but we knew we were not alone.
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines resilience as the “process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress.”3
In the course Emotional Resilience, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints defines resilience as “the ability to adapt to emotional challenges with courage and faith centered in Jesus Christ.”4
The APA suggests that everyone can build resilience. It’s not something you either have or don’t have. But building resilience takes time and intentionality. I would like to suggest five things that you and I can do to build resilience.5
1. Build connections.
Don’t isolate during times of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant stress. Instead prioritize connections with people who genuinely care about you.
The story of Job helped me to understand the importance of building connections. In Job 1, we learn that Job was a perfect man who feared God and eschewed evil. Additionally, he had seven sons and three daughters, and he was very wealthy. In fact, he was “the greatest of all men of the east.”6
This was Job’s starting point, but then his property was stolen, burned, plundered, and destroyed. All his children died. His wife, friends, and body betrayed him. I understand why in Job 3, Job cursed the circumstances of his birth and asked, “Why died I not from the womb?”7
Nevertheless, Job relied on his faith. In Job 19:25–26, he poetically explained,
For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth.
And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.8
In Job 42, we read that the Lord blessed the latter end of Job’s life more than his beginning. That part of the story once troubled me. I wondered about God replacing Job’s children with new ones. Are people interchangeable? Did the children not matter anymore than the sheep, camels, oxen, and asses? Doesn’t God value each individual?
But, after Chris died, I gained a bit more perspective. Like Job, my parents stayed up many nights crying, contemplating, worrying, wondering, writing, and praying.
Little by little, they began to open their hearts and their lives. As mission leaders in Alaska, they allowed themselves to love their missionaries. They learned and cared about each one individually. They didn’t stop missing Chris. They certainly didn’t forget him. But love helped them heal.
Additionally, my parents (like Job) were exponentially blessed. After Chris died, 22 grandsons came into our family. My dad and mom were very active grandparents. Dad taught each grandchild to waterski and snowmobile. My son Jonathan remembers them attending almost every home and away football and basketball game for three years. He says, “Grandpa and Grandma were my number one fans.”
Often when people experience adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress, they close down and isolate themselves. I believe that Job’s miracle wasn’t that he was given new children; instead, it was that he opened his heart to his new children and loved again. My parents’ missionaries and grandchildren didn’t replace Chris, but their open hearts helped them go on with their lives. Each new love strengthened their resilience. And their resilience helped them love and live meaningful lives.
Job 42:16–17 reads:
After this lived Job an hundred and forty years, and saw his sons, and his sons’ sons, even four generations.
So Job died, being old and full of days.
I love the phrase “full of days.” I believe that when we face challenges with courage and faith God magnifies our efforts and makes our days “full” and magnificent.
2. Foster Well-being.
I’m a mother and grandmother so I will plead with you, please, please, please don’t use addictive behaviors to mask your intense feelings. Addictive behaviors provide a dopamine rush that can mask or tone down the intensity of your feelings. But simple coping strategies such as prayer, scripture study, meditation, and simple breathing techniques will serve you much better. These simple coping strategies will give you the strength to understand and face your intense feelings.
Once I was prompted to meditate on opening my heart. I was sitting quietly in my bedroom and taking deep breaths. But soon I noticed that I had my arms tightly crossed across my heart. I thought, “How can I open my heart, if I’m tightly protecting it?” Over the next couple of years, I was able to explore my intense feelings. Slowly, I was able to alternate between protecting my heart and opening it. Meditation and prayer helped me recognize, understand, accept, and start to heal my intense feelings.
3. Focus on what you can do.
In 1846, Drusilla’s family again were forced to run from the danger of an angry mob. They traveled 300 miles from Nauvoo to Council Bluff, Iowa. There, the US Army asked Brigham Young to provide soldiers to march to California and fight in the war against Mexico.
Drusilla records:
My oldest son William wanted to join up. At first, I refused to let him go. I needed William to help me on the trek west. My husband was an invalid, my next son was only six years old.
When I was alone, the whisperings of the spirit said to me: ‘Are you afraid to trust the God of Israel? Has he not been with you in all your trials? Has He not provided for your wants?’ Then I acknowledged the hand of God in all His goodness to me.
I decided to let William go. I thought I might never have my family together again. I had no photograph of him, but I took one in my mind and said to myself, if I never see you again until the morning of the resurrection, I shall know you are my child.9
I wonder if Drusilla initially focused on why she couldn’t let William go. He was only 16, not even old enough to enlist. Besides she needed him. Her husband was paralyzed from the neck down. Her children were young. But then I notice how she changed her focus. In my head I hear her say, “I can’t stop William. I can’t heal my husband. What can I do? Take a picture of William in my mind. I can do that. I can do that.”
Last week in a BYU-Idaho devotional, Brother Kort Black taught us about God’s positive power. He told stories of amazing people including his sister-in-law, Wendi. She was struck by a truck while in a crosswalk and spent two and a half years in a nursing home. Brother Black explained, “Being bed-bound in a care facility would be discouraging to most of us, and she is no exception. She would rather not be there, but she is choosing to do all that she can to make the very most of her time by having a positive influence on others.” 10 I believe that Wendi focuses on what she can do. I appreciated Brother Black’s message.
This Book of Mormon scripture gives me another clue about resilience.
But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.11
I believe that when we focus on what we can do and then ask Heavenly Father to consecrate our performance for the welfare of our souls, He will answer our prayers. You do not need to become bitter! Heavenly Father will increase your resilience and help you grow and thrive.
4. Show up.
Get out of bed and just show up! In 2017, Sister Anne Papworth told this story in a BYU-Idaho devotional:
I'd like to share an experience I had with a Foundations English 101 class and their research paper. Because we were working on a long assignment, I'd broken the essay into several smaller (and hopefully easier) sections. The introduction was no problem for the students, and they felt comfortable with the summary that followed. But then we got to the hard part: the synthesis section. This wasn't something they had done before, and I knew that many students would struggle with this part of the assignment. But I wasn't too worried, because I had planned for this. First, we studied the concepts of synthesis. Then we looked at and analyzed writing samples, studying how others had completed this assignment. But eventually it was time for the students to try it themselves.
That day's homework was to come to class with a draft of the synthesis section so we could workshop their essays and identify where they were still struggling. However, the morning this draft was due, a massive outbreak struck campus. At least, that was my thought as I walked into a room with about half of my students missing. It wasn't a flu epidemic that had kept students out of class that day, but an epidemic of a different type. Throughout the day I received emails from absent students who explained that they'd tried to write this section, couldn't figure it out, quit trying, and, because their homework wasn't done, decided to skip class.
Now, the students who did come to class hadn't completed the assignment perfectly, but they came, having done what they could on their own. And because they did, they had a foundation to work from as we looked at their questions and addressed their confusion. As they walked out of class, these students were laughing and joking with each other, very different emotions from the frustration they'd expressed at the beginning of class. Many sighed with relief and expressed appreciation: "Thanks. Today's class answered so many of my questions."
The students who skipped class that day because "the assignment was just so hard" were now even more behind. They still didn't have a draft, and now they didn't have the additional information and feedback to help them work through this difficult section.12
It's ironic! But avoiding the problem often increases the problem. In the long run, it’s easier to just show up.
5. Get Help.
The BYUI Counseling Center offers students web-based therapy assistance, individual, couples, and group counseling. I encourage you to take advantages of these resources.
I encourage you to spend some time on the Church’s self-reliance blog. I loved the articles “When Life Doesn’t Go According to Plan” and “Practicing Courage and Overcoming Self-Doubt.”
The Church Self-Reliance Services offers an “Emotional Resilience” group. I also encourage you to explore these materials and consider enrolling in a group.
So, please, get help when you need it! That’s what smart people do.
I’ve spent many hours on my knees in prayer, begging God to help me not just endure but live a life full of love and happiness. During one difficult time I remember praying, “I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get from here (a place of trauma and adversity) to there (a place of healing, hope, and peace).”
Over the years, my prayers were answered, and I learned the five things I shared with you.
1. Build connections.
2. Foster well-being.
3. Focus on what you can do.
4. Show up.
5. Get help.
I encourage you to practice these strategies when life is good and when you are experiencing adversity, trauma, tragedy, threat, or significant stress.
I also encourage you to find your way to build resilience. On the devotional discussion board, Matthias suggested “that one has to be sure of depending more on the Spirit. This is because, when we are confused, facing tragedy, or distressed, we tend to listen to anyone and tend to act on any suggestion. We must strongly believe that when we trust God, He will help us. We should hope for things that cannot be seen, which are true. We must hold on to inspired decisions and be ready for change. We should be willing to forgive easily, as it gives us the peace needed to remain positive and move on.”
Elspeth’s beautiful painting reminds me of resilience. It reminds me that normal people, people who struggle, can adapt well.
At the end of her life, Drusilla said, “The gospel is true. I have rejoiced in it through all my trials, for the Spirit of the Lord has buoyed me up or I should have failed.”13
I also testify that adversity, trauma, tragedy, threat, or significant stress doesn’t need to be your downfall. Moroni teaches us that we can rely upon Christ because He is the
author and the finisher of our faith.14 I testify that because of Christ, resilience is possible. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes
1 Drusilla D. Hendricks, dictated to Rebecca Hendricks Roskelley, Drusilla Doris Hendricks. Her Own Story. FamilySearch and Brigham Young University, Family History Archives. https://www.familysearch.org/tree/person/memories/KWJD-NMR.
2 Elspeth Young, “As A Sparrow Alone by Elspeth Young,” AL Young Studios. https://www.alyoung.com/art/work-drusilla_hendricks.html.
3 American Psychological Association, “Building your Resilience,” 2012. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience.
4 Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, “Emotional Resilience for Self-Reliance,” 2020. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/bc/content/ldsorg/topics/self-reliance/4-10-20-Emotional-Self-Reliance-Manual_updated.pdf?lang=eng.
5 American Psychological Association, “Building your Resilience,” 2012. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience.
6 Job 1:1–3.
7 Job 3:11.
8 Job 19:25–26.
9 Drusilla D. Hendricks, dictated to Rebecca Hendricks Roskelley, Drusilla Doris Hendricks. Her Own Story. FamilySearch and Brigham Young University, Family History Archives.
10 Kort Black, “God’s Positive Power,” BYUI devotional, Aug. 17, 2021.
11 2 Nephi 32:9.
12 Anne Papworth, “Finding Joy in Hardship,” BYUI devotional, Feb 28, 2017.
13 Drusilla D. Hendricks, dictated to Rebecca Hendricks Roskelley, Drusilla Doris Hendricks. Her Own Story. FamilySearch and Brigham Young University, Family History Archives.
14 Moroni 6:4.