As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have covenanted to comfort one another.
And now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort,… if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him. [1]
My dear young friends, we all stand in need of comfort. A crucial part of our eternal progression is coming to earth to gain mortal experience; this experience is borne out of our personal use of agency, others use of agency, and mortality itself. Elder Orson F. Whitney said:
No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God, . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” [2]
As I prepared to speak to you today, I felt impressed to help you understand you are not alone and help you understand just how much we need each other. I need you too. I have the unique opportunity to get to know some of you in a very personal and vulnerable way. It is a humbling experience—one I do not take lightly. I have often referred to my counseling office as my “sanctuary” because I know when I am meeting with one of you, it is a divine experience. While I wish I had the energy and capacity to soothe the emotional pains each of you carry, I do not. In the spirit of shared support and connection, I wish to offer four specific suggestions to help you feel comfort and in turn help comfort those around you.
Suggestion #1: Recognize your shared divine heritage.
In 2 Corinthians we read:
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. [3]
We can more readily know and remember our divine heritage by nurturing our personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. As we cultivate a relationship with Heavenly Father, we come to know Him and know of the love He has for each of His children. Moreover, we come to recognize His plan of salvation is based on love.
Love is what inspired our Heavenly Father to create our spirits; it is what led our Savior to the Garden of Gethsemane to make himself a ransom for our sins. Love is the grand motive of the plan of salvation; it is the source of happiness, the ever-renewing spring of healing, the precious fountain of hope. [4]
Jesus Christ is the author of our salvation and our forgiveness. He wants to be a part of our life; He wants us to rely on Him for comfort, healing, and forgiveness. It is up to us to choose to let Him in and continually nurture our relationship with Him. When I was 11 or 12 years old, I remember feeling very sad about the pain Jesus Christ endured, so I decided I would never sin again. My tender heart was pure but misguided. There have been many experiences since then that have helped me come to know my Savior in very private and powerful ways. If you cannot say the same for yourself, please don’t be too hard on yourself, and please do what you can now to develop your own relationship with the Savior. It is never too late, and He is always wanting to be a part of your life. Your capacity to comfort those around you will be enhanced in mighty ways as you come to know for yourself the healing and comfort that only Jesus Christ can offer.
Elder Dale G. Renlund shared a story in general conference back in 2015 about a young man he cared for in his capacity as a cardiologist. I would like us to listen to it now.
In 1986 a young man named Chad developed heart failure and received a heart transplant. He did very well for a decade and a half. Chad did all he could to stay healthy and live as normal a life as possible. He served a mission, worked, and was a devoted son to his parents. The last few years of his life, though, were challenging, and he was in and out of the hospital frequently.
One evening, he was brought to the hospital’s emergency department in full cardiac arrest. My associates and I worked for a long time to restore his circulation. Finally, it became clear that Chad could not be revived. We stopped our futile efforts, and I declared him dead. Although sad and disappointed, I maintained a professional attitude. I thought to myself, “Chad has had good care. He has had many more years of life than he otherwise would have had.” That emotional distance soon shattered as his parents came into the emergency room bay and saw their deceased son lying on a stretcher. In that moment, I saw Chad through his mother’s and father’s eyes. I saw the great hopes and expectations they had had for him, the desire they had had that he would live just a little bit longer and a little bit better. With this realization, I began to weep. In an ironic reversal of roles and in an act of kindness I will never forget, Chad’s parents comforted me.
I now realize that in the Church, to effectively serve others we must see them through a parent’s eyes, through Heavenly Father’s eyes. Only then can we begin to comprehend the true worth of a soul. Only then can we sense the love that Heavenly Father has for all of His children. Only then can we sense the Savior’s caring concern for them. We cannot completely fulfill our covenant obligation to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort unless we see them through God’s eyes. This expanded perspective will open our hearts to the disappointments, fears, and heartaches of others. But Heavenly Father will aid and comfort us, just as Chad’s parents comforted me years ago. [5]
I really appreciate that story and Elder Renlund’s testimony. Our path back to Heavenly Father is personal, but it is not meant to be traversed alone. We need each other. In my opinion, we need each other more than ever. It has become far too easy to “connect” without truly connecting. People are yearning to have meaningful connections but often go about it in the least meaningful ways. When we better understand and connect to our shared divine heritage, we are less apt to search for and perseverate on our differences, and more apt to see each other as brothers and sisters seeking to return to Father in Heaven.
Suggestion #2: Recognize the influence of empathy.
Empathy can be defined in many ways. Examples include “feeling with people,” [6] “walking in someone else’s shoes,” [7] and “perspective taking.” [8] For the purpose of my talk, I would like to use the following definition: “Empathy is seeking to understand another person’s feelings, thoughts, and condition from their perspective rather than our own.” [9]
On last week’s discussion board, I invited you to reflect on a time when someone helped you through a difficult experience in your life and to share what that person did or did not do to help you through this experience. Here is what some of you had to say:
- “You never know how much of an impact you can have on another person’s life by simply listeningto them. Listening to those who are struggling helps them know that they are not invisible, that they do matter, and that they are needed in the world.”
- “In hard times some friends just remind me that Heavenly Father loves me and has a plan for me.”
- “When I look back today, I will get emotional and think, ‘Heavenly Father does remember His own and gave me the one friend who stood by me through it all,’ and never once did she disappear on me.”
- “I have an amazing neighbor back at home who is always striving to reach out to me no matter if I am or not going through a trial. He comes over to my house, he gives me flowers on my birthday, texts me, or anything he can do to reach out to me. When my dog died, he empathized with me because he cared about my dog too. He was as sad as I was, if not more. He is a true example of charity.”
- “My ministers. They weren't doctors, but they were my friends. And I am grateful that they, along with their roommates, cared and were willing to be there for me.”
- “One of my roommates picked up on this [homesickness], and for one clean check she decided to do my job, which seems like a small thing, but it helped me know that the Lord was there for me through that simple act of service.”
As you can see, you do not need to be a trained therapist to be empathic. You need only have the desire to comfort, the willingness to listen and imagine what someone else is going through, the willingness to suspend judgment, and the willingness to respond genuinely.
Being willing to be with someone when they are struggling is powerful. It is also how the Savior chose to interact with those He encountered during his mortal mission. You don’t have to know exactly what to say or know how to say it perfectly. Moreover, empathy does not require you to fix another’s problem; it is a genuine willingness to be with someone while they are struggling to manage their own challenges. This willingness to be with someone, during difficult times especially, can often be more impactful than anything you say. Every interaction matters. I do not say this to make you overthink, but to invite you to think a little more mindfully as you interact with one another. If we knew the challenges we each face, we would be more inclined to offer greater empathy and compassion and less judgement.
To those of you for whom listening or feeling emotion is difficult, please do not be discouraged. You can pray for help and seek ways to improve in these areas if possible. In the meantime, you can let someone who may be in need of comfort know you want to help and give what you reasonably can. If you are sincere, they will be comforted by your sincerity and honesty.
Suggestion #3: Recognize that being other-absorbed can be just as harmful as being self-absorbed.
You might be a little confused by this third suggestion, especially after just learning how important empathy is. My purpose with this suggestion is to make you aware of and prevent you from experiencing compassion fatigue and unhealthy boundaries as you endeavor to comfort those around you.
The way I define compassion fatigue is the feeling of depletion that comes from helping those around you while consistently neglecting to either care for yourself appropriately, accept help from others, or keep up with your own responsibilities (like school, family, relationships, work, church, etc.). It’s as though you live for helping others but neglect yourself, the primary person for whom you are completely responsible. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf shared the following: “This is the spirit of compassion: that we love others as ourselves, seek their happiness, and do unto them as we hope they would do unto us.” [10] I emphasize “as ourselves ” because too often I see people giving beyond their capacity and not only forgetting to extend care and compassion to themselves, but not letting others care for them. We need to ensure we are doing our part to love and care for ourselves. In Doctrine and Covenants, section 59, verse 6 we are reminded to “love thy neighbor as thyself.” [11] I often use this verse to help remind myself that obedience to this commandment requires me to reflect on and manage how I care for myself in the midst of my daily exertion to care and comfort others.
Additionally, it is vital to our well-being that we recognize our personal limits and set appropriate limits with others as needed. In Mosiah chapter 4 we are told to “impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath . . . in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength . . . ; therefore, all things must be done in order.” [12] When we appropriately work within the limits of what we can reasonably offer, our offering is experienced by others in a more genuine way and we prevent ourselves from behaving unkindly toward them. If we feel overwhelmed by the needs of someone we have offered to help—or who we are called to minister to—and we have not appropriately addressed our overwhelmed feelings with them, we may cope with these feelings by avoiding that person or by behaving in passive-aggressive ways toward them. A more appropriate way of approaching this type of situation is to let the person know you care but that you cannot continue to offer help in the way you previously have. You can then share what you are willing to do and suggest they turn to additional trusted people or resources to fill the gap in what they need. If you do this in a loving and compassionate way, you need not feel guilty.
Finally, there may be times when the person you are seeking to comfort declines your offering. Try not to take this personally. Instead, try to remember that it is their choice to accept or decline. Furthermore, if you sense someone is not doing well and they do not wish to talk about it or seek help, you can reach out to a trusted adult, a mental health resource, or an ecclesiastical leader for support on their behalf.
Suggestion #4: Recognize when you need help.
Your stage of life is both exciting and challenging. You are starting to learn how to navigate life outside of your homes and families, possibly for the first time. Sometimes we recognize we need help but worry about burdening others or feel as though “everyone else has it together, so I shouldn’t need help.” Brother Hymas reminded us during last week’s devotional that “Heavenly Father gives us people or circumstances around us that influence us in positive ways. It is up to us to allow the circumstances or people to improve our lives. If you are discouraged, get help. Start to pull yourself up and others will help. Have the confidence to know you can do extraordinary things. Then as you improve help others to realize they can do extraordinary things.” [13] Saying “I’m not doing okay” or “I need help” can be an act of self-compassion that can lead us to the resources we need.
In a talk given to LDS Family Services employees, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave some advice that I feel is pertinent to us as well:
For those of you who earnestly seek to bear one another’s burdens, it is important that you refortify yourself and build yourself back up when others expect so much of you and indeed take so much out of you. No one is so strong that they do not ever feel fatigued or frustrated or recognize the need to care for themselves. Jesus certainly experienced that fatigue, felt the drain on His strength. He gave and gave, but there was a cost attached to that, and He felt the effects of so many relying on Him . . . . The caregivers have to have care too. You have to have fuel in the tank before you can give it to others. [14]
I personally appreciate the Savior’s example in the following verses in Mark chapter 1: “And he healed many that were sick of divers diseases, and cast out many devils; . . . And in the morning, rising up a great while before day, he went out, and departed into a solitary place, and there prayed.” [15] Jesus did what brought Him the comfort and rest He needed. We can always call upon our Father in Heaven for help. Often those prayers are answered by those around us. Each time I meet a new client, I feel to share with them how grateful I am that they decided to seek help. As someone who leans toward being overly independent, it can be hard for me at times to ask for help or accept invitations from those offering me help. I am getting better at it.
Conclusion
In closing, I want you to know I have been blessed with experiences that have allowed me to speak to you today from a place of knowing and authenticity. I have reached for my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ in quiet pleading and have felt Their love and comfort. I have also been supported in many ways throughout my life by various people, including many of you.
I bear witness of the power that comes from comforting and being comforted. We need each other. No one person is likely to meet all of our needs, but ask for help anyway because you don’t have to manage on your own. Recognizing your divine heritage, expressing genuine empathy, knowing your limits of helpfulness, and asking for help when needed will help you better “comfort those that stand in need of comfort.” [16]
I am grateful for the opportunity to associate with you and for my own personal testimony of this beautiful gospel plan. I testify that Heavenly Father knows and loves each of His children and has provided ways for us to feel of His love through our Savior Jesus Christ and each other. I invite you to prayerfully consider the thoughts shared today and choose one way to act upon your impressions. I pray you continue to be inspired to know how to help and comfort yourself and those around you. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
[1] Mosiah 18:8-10.
[2] Orson F. Whitney, as quoted in Robert D. Hales, “Healing Soul and Body,” Ensign, Nov. 1998.
[3] 2 Corinthians 1:3-5.
[4] Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “You Are My Hands,” Ensign, May 2010.
[5] Dale G. Renlund, “Through God’s Eyes,” Ensign, Nov. 2015.
[6] “Bren é Brown on Empathy,” The RSA, Dec. 10, 2013; https://www.thersa.org/discover/videos/rsa-shorts/2013/12/Brene-Brown-on-Empathy.
[7] “Developing the Empathy to Minister,” Ensign, Feb. 2019.
[8] “Bren é Brown on Empathy,” The RSA, Dec. 10, 2013; https://www.thersa.org/discover/videos/rsa-shorts/2013/12/Brene-Brown-on-Empathy.
[9] “Developing the Empathy to Minister,” Ensign, Feb. 2019.
[10] Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “You Are My Hands,” Ensign, May 2010; emphasis added.
[11] Doctrine and Covenants 59:6.
[12] Mosiah 4:26-27.
[13] Layne Hymas, “Building on Extraordinary,” BYU-Idaho devotional, Mar. 19, 2019.
[14] Jeffrey R. Holland, “Bearing One Another’s Burdens,” Ensign, Jun. 2018.
[15] Mark 1:34-35.
[16] Mosiah 18:9.