In my work as the registrar I have responsibilities for the implementation of policies, processes and systems that affect each and every one of you during each term you are enrolled at BYU-Idaho. As significant as these responsibilities are, they seem straightforward and doable as I look at you from this pulpit and consider my responsibility to you on this singular occasion. Nonetheless, I am confident the Lord can magnify both you and me, and I pray that we will have the companionship of the Holy Ghost to attend us today so we may understand and be edified together.[1]
Over the years, I have noticed a pattern that devotional speakers often draw upon their various roles in life to shape their messages. I will continue that pattern today. However, as dynamic and fascinating as the work and world of a registrar and his attendant record-keeping duties might be, I have instead drawn upon my role as the bishop of a young single adult ward for my topic. Specifically, I want to share with you what I have learned about building a solid foundation. My message about the importance of good record-keeping will have to wait for another day in a different setting—I am sure my children will look forward to that message as an intriguing, suspenseful family home evening lesson.
At the end of the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior taught about foundations. He said,
Therefore whosever heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.[2]
The specific foundation I want to address today is the foundation of your dating and marriage relationships. As you know, "...the First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."[3] Much has been taught about the divine nature of the family, and I believe most of you have at least a basic understanding of the need and desire to marry a worthy man or woman. Therefore, I will focus on how to build your relationships on a solid foundation. I firmly believe that by applying the principles I will share today you will be laying the foundation for a rich, robust and long-lasting—even eternal—relationship. I do want to say, however, that my message is intended to provide some guidelines and may not be comprehensive. You should counsel with the Lord, your parents, ecclesiastical leaders, and other trusted associates as you seek to make these important decisions.
First, let's identify some foundational characteristics of a strong, healthy relationship. These are the core elements that must be present for any relationship to be successful. This is not a long list, and this list might not be all-inclusive. However, all healthy relationships must have these core elements to work. These characteristics will include respect, trust, selflessness, repentance, forgiveness, commitment, and communication.
If your relationship is built on these foundational characteristics you will understand the inherent worth of your spouse as a child of God. You will rely on his or her integrity, strength, and surety. You will focus on and be attentive to his or her needs and desires, without continual comparison to your own. You will be patient with your spouse's imperfections and seek to identify and strengthen your own weaknesses. You will be loyal and faithful in thought, word and deed. You will work to understand one another with patience, meekness, and humility.
Marriage comes with many wonderful, exciting and rewarding experiences. It is the relationship through which true happiness can be achieved in both this life and the next. In reality, however, it also comes with challenges, frustrations, and opportunities for growth. Therefore, we must build our relationships on these foundational characteristics so we can "...have a marriage in which [we and our] children live in joy and happiness,"[4] as President Spencer W. Kimball once counseled.
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of building your marriage relationship on these foundational characteristics. This is the gospel plan; our Heavenly Father wants a man and a woman who are compatible and seek to make and keep sacred covenants to build a wholesome, worthy relationship on these foundational characteristics. Then, the man and the woman are prepared to experience marriage as President Kimball outlined. He said:
While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person. 'Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.[5]
An important part of paying the price is building your relationship on these foundational characteristics.
The process by which we build the foundation for a robust, healthy relationship is exciting and exhilarating. We were reminded of this when, in the April 2015 General Conference, President Boyd K. Packer spoke of his budding romance with Sister Packer while they were both attending Weber College. As you will recall, he would wait outside of Sister Packer's home economics class, and "she would slip out with a cookie and a kiss."[6] As you build your relationship with that special someone you will make emotional commitments with him or her. Making and keeping those emotional commitments will then bring a desire to express those commitments through physical affection. A vital element of building a healthy relationship is to understand the role of physical expressions of affection in the context of your emotional commitments. With this in mind, I would like to discuss how emotional commitment levels and physical expressions of affection should be aligned.
For the purposes of our discussion today, I will define four emotional commitment levels: friendship, dating (not exclusively), courting (dating exclusively through engagement), and marriage. With each of these four emotional commitment levels, there are appropriate expressions of physical affection. For example, the emotional commitment level of friendship might include a handshake, high-five, knuckles, or a "pat" hug.
The emotional commitment level of dating might include him opening the door for her, holding hands as he leads her onto the dance floor or through a crowd. It might include her giving him a brief hug at the end of the date.
Next, the emotional commitment level of courting might include strolling arm-in-arm as you discuss the unlimited possibilities of a future together, him putting his arm around her during a concert or play, or her showing him she cares with a "cookie and a kiss." This kiss, however, should not be passionate.
You may wonder where you should draw the line when expressing physical affection in a relationship during the friendship, dating, and courting emotional commitment levels. Thankfully, the Lord's prophets and apostles have been very clear on where to draw the line. In For the Strength of Youth we read,
Never do anything that could lead to sexual transgression. Treat others with respect, not as objects used to satisfy lustful and selfish desires. Before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person's body, with or without clothing. Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. Pay attention to the promptings of the Spirit so that you can be clean and virtuous. The Spirit will withdraw from one who is in sexual transgression.[7]
That is the line. Sisters, if you find yourself in a situation in which you are approaching this line, give him a high-five and send him on his way. Or, brothers, be like Joseph in the presence of Potiphar's wife and flee.[8]
Finally, the emotional commitment level of marriage between a man and a woman will include sexual intimacy. Again, in For the Strength of Youth we read, "Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. God has commanded that sexual intimacy be reserved for marriage."[9] Having outlined the emotional commitment levels of a relationship that starts as a friendship and leads to marriage, you can clearly see how to keep your physical expressions of affection properly aligned with the emotional commitments you have made. Keeping the emotional commitments and physical expressions of affection properly aligned is critical to building a firm foundation.
Additionally, understanding the emotional commitment levels can help you determine when moving from one level of your relationship to the next is appropriate. For example, as you interact as friends you can evaluate your interactions to determine if the foundational characteristics are present. If they are, it might be worth moving to the next emotional commitment level of dating. As you date, if the foundational characteristics begin to develop and deepen, it may be appropriate to move to the next emotional commitment level of courting. And, yes, if the foundational characteristics continue to grow and deepen and develop, that is an indicator that you ought to consider moving to the next emotional commitment level of marriage.
The companionship of the Holy Ghost will be vital as you progress through the emotional commitment levels and determine if your relationship is built upon the foundational characteristics. He will provide promptings, thoughts, and feelings that you can trust as you decide if you should move forward in the relationship. To receive this divine guidance you must do those things that invite his presence. You must keep the physical expressions of affection properly aligned with the emotional commitments you have made.As important as this alignment is, I have found that too many young adults—married or single—do not have a sufficient understanding of why this alignment is important or how a misalignment between the emotional commitments and physical expressions affects the relationship. The world perpetually bombards you with incorrect and inappropriate messages that would undermine your ability to build a relationship on a solid foundation.
We need to clearly understand that physical intimacy is ordained of God and is central to His plan of happiness. President Packer taught,
"The commandment to multiply and replenish the earth has never been rescinded. It is essential to the plan of redemption and is the source of human happiness. Through the righteous exercise of this power, we may come close to our Father in Heaven and experience a fullness of joy, even godhood. The power of procreation is not an incidental part of the plan; it is the plan of happiness; it is the key to happiness."[10]
The proper alignment of emotional commitments and physical expression will strengthen and deepen your relationship.
Allowing the emotional commitments and physical expressions to get out of alignment will undermine and destroy the foundational characteristics of your relationship. Engaging in sexual intimacy outside of marriage is not based upon respect for the other person. It does not build trust as you violate commandments and covenants. It is selfish and focused on you. It undermines your commitment to one another. It closes the channels of communication.
The world would have you believe that these standards of morality are old-fashioned or outdated. If it goes unchecked, the world's view can easily cloud your vision regarding the Lord's standards of morality. I would like to share two significant consequences that sexual transgression brings.
First, it violates God's commandments. It is sin. Prophets both ancient and modern have taught the fundamental truth that "...the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."[11] Sin brings spiritual death and makes us ineligible to receive God's blessings. This is the Lord's standard. It is fixed, true and sure. It does not change with the cultural whims of a fallen world. You can no easier eliminate this truth than you can remove the earth from its orbit. It has always been central to His plan and always will be.
Second, and maybe less understood, is the impact that inappropriate physical intimacy has on the relationship itself. When you express physical affection that is out of alignment with the emotional commitment you have made, the foundational characteristics of your relationship are immediately undermined. They are weakened. They begin to erode. The fissures that begin to take hold in the foundational characteristics are a natural consequence of making choices that are contrary to the covenants you have made. Left unattended, these fissures will continue to grow and deepen and, ultimately, cause the foundation of your relationship to crumble. You are free to choose how you will act. However, the consequences are fixed and immovable. When you choose to live according to the Lord's standard you receive His blessing. When you choose to live contrary to the Lord's standard you lose His blessing.
When you engage in sexual intimacy outside the bonds of marriage you relinquish the two things you want most for what you want in the heat of the moment. First, you forfeit the blessings your Heavenly Father has prepared for you, including the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Second, you sacrifice the foundational characteristics of the relationship that would otherwise bring you happiness and joy. Relationships are built when the emotional commitments and physical expressions are properly aligned. Relationships are destroyed when the emotional commitments and physical expressions are not properly aligned.
A natural question might be if a relationship can be repaired after the emotional commitments and physical expressions have been misaligned. I believe the answer in most cases is, yes, they can. To repair the foundation you need to change; or, in other words, you need to repent. Because sexual transgression is serious in the Lord's eyes, you need to visit with your bishop. I recognize the prospect of such a visit can be intimidating, embarrassing, and overwhelming. However, I know from my service as a bishop that your bishop loves you. When your bishop was set apart he received priesthood keys for you. As the mantle rests on him in his sacred calling, his capacity to love and understand is enhanced and strengthened. He wants to help you through the process of changing, of repenting, of helping you qualify once again for God's blessings, of having the companionship of the Holy Ghost. If you have made choices that have caused your emotional commitments and physical expressions of affection to be misaligned, please visit with your bishop. Do not delay. All is not lost. There is hope. He will help you see the way to peace and happiness.
As you prepare for and approach marriage, having a solid foundation in place by keeping your relationship emotionally and physically aligned is critical so you can weather the storms that will inevitably come your way. In some form or another, you will experience challenges in your relationship after you are married. As the responsibility and weight of life settle in, you may wake up one morning, look at that person lying next to you and think, "Wow, this person is annoying!" If you have built a relationship on the foundational characteristics we have discussed today, you will quickly realize you are just having an off day. Those days happen. You will have hope that tomorrow will be better—and it will be.
However, if you have built your relationship on physical intimacy and you wake up one morning and find your spouse to be annoying, what will you fall back on? The very thing that was holding you together is now gone. In fact, the very thing that was holding you together may now be driving you apart. Bruce C. Hafen, a former President of Ricks College and member of the First Quorum of the Seventy once shared the following thought at a Ricks College and a BYU Devotional:
Because sexual desire is in the minds of most people coupled with the idea of love, they are easily misled to conclude that they love each other when they really want each other physically. But if this desire is not stimulated by real love, it leaves strangers as far apart as they were before—sometimes it makes them ashamed of each other, or even makes them hate each other, because when the illusion has gone, they feel their estrangement even more markedly than before.[12] In short, one might simply say: save your kisses—you might need them some day.[13]
If you build your relationship on the sandy foundation of physical intimacy you will have a higher price to pay because building a solid foundation first is much less costly than assembling a glamorous façade and then trying to construct the foundation later.
President Packer said it elegantly when he stated, "Married couples are tried by temptation, misunderstandings, financial problems, family crises, and illness, and all the while love grows stronger. Mature love has a bliss not even imagined by newlyweds."14 To achieve this bliss offered by mature love you must work today to build your relationship on the foundational characteristics of respect, trust, selflessness, repentance, forgiveness, commitment, and communication.
With this understanding of the foundational characteristics of your relationship and the appropriate physical expressions of affection for each of the emotional commitment levels, I would like to explain how they are connected. The world would have you believe that you have a good relationship if you have a desire to be physical. However, this is not true. As we have already discussed, a healthy relationship cannot have a foundation based upon physical intimacy. This is what is meant by lust. The misalignment of emotional commitments and physical expressions of affection is really just another way to describe lust. In A Parent's Guide, a manual published by the Church, we are taught that "Lust dulls the senses and encourages people to increasingly bizarre efforts to feel pleasure. Lustful men and women, married or not, will be preoccupied with selfish mental or physical gratification of their appetites without feeling the joy of natural affection."[15]
As you know, the Lord's plan is different. Once again from A Parent's Guide:
...intimacy between husband and wife must be guided by righteous attitudes toward each other. The most sacred intimacy must be shared in a relationship characterized by genuine love. If we truly love others and desire their eternal joy—if we are our brother's keeper—our intimate relations as husband and wife will uplift rather than degrade... Virtuous behavior...does not reject the feeling and joy of the physical senses but provides a full and satisfying enjoyment of them.[16]
What we are being taught is that a real relationship is based upon the foundational characteristics of respect, trust, selflessness, repentance, forgiveness, commitment and communication. Sexual intimacy, then, is a sacred method by which a husband and wife express these foundational characteristics to one another. Because the relationship is built upon the foundational characteristics, there is nothing selfish or lustful about this expression. It is beautiful and worthy and wholesome. It enhances and enriches the relationship. It is central to the Creator's plan of happiness.
The innate desire you have to find a spouse, develop a strong, healthy relationship, to express the foundational characteristics of your relationship through physical intimacy, to have a family, and to build your life together comes from your Heavenly Father. Those desires are innate because that is the plan of happiness. It is now your responsibility to be a wise steward and to act according to the plan.
Over the past couple of years I have come to understand that the clarity and beauty of the plan of happiness is being clouded over and debased by the unworthy messages the world is screaming on television shows, movies, web sites, and mobile apps. Too many of you have a superficial understanding of the Lord's law that governs a marital relationship—the law of chastity. Too many of you view the law of chastity as a simple list of things you cannot do until after you are married. While technically this might be true, this oversimplification is terribly incomplete and casts the power of procreation in the wrong light.
Specifically, viewing the law of chastity as a list of things you cannot do until you are married can have the unintended consequence of leading you to believe that sexual intimacy is wrong or bad. Additionally, this limited view can also give the wrong impression that marriage is about sexual intimacy. Neither of these myths are accurate. First, the power of procreation is designed by our Heavenly Father and makes us like him. When employed according to His standards, it is right and good and beautiful. Second, marriage is about the foundational characteristics; it is about building a life together, it is about standing together and facing and weathering the storms that will inevitably come your way. Sexual intimacy is a sacred, ordained way by which husband and wife express the foundational characteristics and their commitment to one another.
I encourage you to take some time to learn and understand how to build a solid foundation upon which the many important decisions you are making can rest for the remainder of your life. No decision you make during this time will be more important than the marriage decision. However, do not let the importance of this decision paralyze you. As you develop a friendship that grows into a dating relationship, which grows into a courtship, which grows into marriage, regularly take an inventory of the relationship to ensure that the foundational characteristics are present and accounted for.
Elder Robert D. Hales offered timely and wise counsel in his October 2015 General Conference Address titled "Meeting the Challenges of Today's World." I highly recommend his message to you as you seek to build a strong relationship. Live up to your covenants by keeping your physical expressions of affection properly aligned with the emotional commitments you have made. As you do so you will be guided by the Holy Ghost in your decisions. You will make the right decisions. You will have built your house upon a solid foundation and the floods will come, the winds will blow and beat upon your house; and it will not fall because it is built upon a rock.[17]
In conclusion, I want to say that I am grateful for the plan of happiness. I am grateful for the rock upon which we can build our house. I am grateful for the Savior, Jesus Christ, for His teachings and His gospel. I am grateful for the light and guidance He gives in a world that is dark and confused. I know that He lives. I know that He knows and loves each one of us. I know that by following Him we will truly be happy. I testify of these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes
[1] Doctrine and Covenants 50:22-24
[2] Matthew 7:24-27
[3] "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, www.lds.org
[4] Spencer W. Kimball, "The Marriage Decision," Ensign, February 1975, 2
[5] Spencer W. Kimball, "Oneness in Marriage", Ensign, March 1977
[6] Boyd K. Packer, "The Plan of Happiness", Ensign, May 2015, 26
[7] "Sexual Purity," For the Strength of Youth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 34
[8] Genesis 39:12
[9] Ibid
[10] Boyd K. Packer, "The Plan of Happiness", Ensign, May 2015, 26, emphasis added
[11] Ibid
[12] As cited in Bruce C. Hafen, "The Gospel and Romantic Love," Ensign (October 1982), https://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/10/the-gospel-and-romantic-love
[13] Bruce C. Hafen, "The Gospel and Romantic Love," Ensign (October 1982), https://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/10/the-gospel-and-romantic-love
[14] "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, www.lds.org
[15] "Chapter 1: Intimacy and the Purposes of Earthly Families," A Parent's Guide, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, www.lds.org
[16] Ibid.17. See Matthew 7:24-27.