On a Sunday morning in March 2003, I awoke and got ready and went to church with my family, just as I would on any other Sunday. We sat together in sacrament meeting, Sister Crawford expecting our fourth child. I remember looking at my little family and wondering what their lives would be like without me. I was comforted knowing that Cheryl is a strong, righteous, resilient mother.
After sacrament meeting, I went home and took a nap. I needed to be well rested for work that evening. Normally I loved my job, but I was not looking forward to work on this day. A few hours later, I was at the controls of a stealth bomber loaded with 32,000 pounds of guided weapons, headed to war.
We departed from our base in Missouri, the heartland of America. Our destination: Baghdad, Iraq. We had been briefed on the dangers of flying into Iraqi defenses. They were equipped with anti-aircraft radar, missiles, and artillery. Baghdad is a long flight from Missouri. I had a lot of time to think about things on the way there.
I thought about my family. I carried this photo of us in my breast pocket as a reminder of why I served in the military. In case I got shot down, my plan was to show the Iraqis this photo so they would know I was a normal person, just like them. What was I thinking? I'm not sure this particular photo was a good choice to show that we are "normal," but I love it.
I thought about my patriarchal blessing, which contained these words:
"In this life it sometimes becomes necessary to serve in the armed forces. Should this calling come to you, accept it and serve with gladness and strength... The Lord will protect you from danger and harm if you are willing to accept His inspiration and guidance in your life, so keep the commandments."
I hoped that I had lived worthy to claim that promise.
Baghdad's air defenses weren't the only challenges we had to face during our mission. In order to reach our target, we had to refuel in midair.
This activity requires great skill and more than a little nerve as you maneuver a massive aircraft to within a few feet of another massive aircraft and connect to a refueling boom while flying at hundreds of miles per hour, thousands of feet in the air. During daylight it is difficult enough. On this night, if I recall correctly, it was dark, we were in the clouds, and we faced turbulence. We had no choice but to persevere if we were to accomplish our mission. That in-flight refueling was only one of five we would need to complete before our mission was accomplished.
At last we reached Iraq. We slipped through enemy air defenses apparently undetected and released our weapons on time, on target.
After leaving Baghdad, we still had a harrowing journey ahead of us—the return home was about as long as the flight there, only now we would feel the effects of our long flight even more. There was a danger that while one pilot rested, the pilot flying would fall asleep due to exhaustion. We droned on through the night and into the next day. Nearly 36 hours after we departed, we arrived safely home, exhausted and relieved.
Like a stealth bomber mission, our lives are contests of endurance and perseverance. Stealth pilots must endure some of the most grueling tests in aviation—to stay alert and vigilant through difficult circumstances. The stealth bomber must fly through enemy airspace to accomplish its mission. It cannot completely avoid the threat posed by a well-armed enemy. Instead, it relies on careful planning, knowing how to avoid being detected by the enemy even while in the midst of the threat.
You must also navigate a perilous route through life if you are to accomplish the Lord's purposes for you. We live in a world filled with opposition from all around us. You cannot completely avoid the threats you will face in life, no matter how carefully you try. Part of the Lord's plan of happiness was for us to face opposition.[1] We are blessed to be a part of the BYU-Idaho community, where we are surrounded by people who are doing their best to live the gospel. Yet each of us at times must navigate through seemingly overwhelming opposition in our lives. We suffer heartache, sorrow, discouragement, and sin. We must learn great endurance if we are to fulfill God's purposes in our lives.
When I was in your shoes as a young person, I faced two kinds of opposition some of you may be facing in your lives right now. I doubted my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, and I felt great guilt for things I had done wrong in my life. Perhaps you are struggling with questions you have about the gospel. Perhaps you are struggling with feelings of unworthiness or guilt. We are all destined to struggle from time to time in our lives. Whatever you may be struggling with, I hope you find courage and strength to endure your personal trials and joy in the hope the gospel brings. And not just joy in some distant future but joy today in the middle of your struggle, whatever it may be.
Just before the start of my mission to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, I began to doubt my testimony of the gospel. I worried a lot about it. Did I really know the gospel was true? How could I know it? I believed I had received a spiritual witness of the truth, but I worried that the testimony I had was not enough. I began to allow my doubts to consume my thoughts. I felt that I was applying all of the correct principles required to gain a testimony. I turned to the scriptures and found only occasional comfort. I spent hours into the night on my knees, desperately seeking a greater witness of the truth. I tried being perfectly obedient in all things. I guess you could say I was trying to force the Lord to answer my prayers on my terms rather than accept the Lord's terms.
My struggle lasted for years, off and on. At times I would feel as though there was no hope for me, that other people could be happy in the gospel but that I was doomed to wander in doubt, feeling unworthy of God's notice. Over time I began to realize that it's okay to believe the gospel[2], that "a testimony is a spiritual witness given by the Holy Ghost,"[3] that spiritual knowledge is different from physical knowledge, and that both are equally valid. You can trust your spiritual knowledge. It is every bit as valid as other kinds of knowledge we acquire.
Nephi was one of the greatest prophets of the Book of Mormon. He saw visions, performed miracles, was carried away to high mountains on the wings of the Holy Spirit. So, it's easy to overlook the humble beginnings of Nephi's testimony. When Nephi was still young, he had a desire to know that what his father was telling him was true. So, he sought to find out for himself. It sounds to me like Nephi was inquisitive and had his own questions. What he did to find answers to those questions can teach us a lot about what we can do when we have our own questions. In his own words Nephi says:
I, Nephi,...having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.[4]
What can we learn from Nephi's experience gaining a testimony of his father's words? He says the Lord softened his heart that he did "believe all the words which had been spoken" by his father. Imagine what that was like for Nephi. No angel. No vision. No miraculous manifestation other than the miracle of the Holy Ghost whispering to his heart it was okay to believe what his father had told him. I imagine all he received was a good feeling that what his father was telling him was true. At this point, did Nephi have a testimony? Of course he did.
That spiritual knowledge was enough for Nephi to leave his home, his friends, and his worldly possessions and head into the wilderness with his visionary father. He did not rebel like his brothers did, and I believe that made all the difference in Nephi's life. After receiving a simple witness through a softening of his heart, Nephi followed his father's words. I have received precious spiritual witnesses throughout my life, most of which have come through simple good feelings.
During his October 2007 General Conference address, Elder Douglas L. Callister shared the following story about young Heber J. Grant:
"When the 23-year-old Heber J. Grant was installed as president of the Tooele Stake, he told the Saints he believed the gospel was true. President Joseph F. Smith, a counselor in the First Presidency, inquired, 'Heber, you said you believe the gospel with all your heart,...but you did not bear your testimony that you know it is true. Don't you know absolutely that this gospel is true?'
"Heber answered, 'I do not.' Joseph F. Smith then turned to John Taylor, the President of the Church, and said, 'I am in favor of undoing this afternoon what we did this morning. I do not think any man should preside over a stake who has not a perfect and abiding knowledge of the divinity of this work.'
"President Taylor replied, 'Joseph, Joseph, Joseph, [Heber] knows it just as well as you do. The only thing that he does not know is that he does know it.'
"Within a few weeks that testimony was realized, and young Heber J. Grant shed tears of gratitude for the perfect, abiding, and absolute testimony that came into his life."[5]
From the time the missionaries first taught me the gospel, I believed it. I had seen the hand of God in my life. But I lacked understanding. I began to confuse spiritual knowledge with physical knowledge. I worried that I needed definitive proof for all of my questions all at once rather than allowing my testimony to grow with my experience, gradually over time.
Alma the Younger gave some great instruction on growing a personal testimony over time.
But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.[6]
Alma suggests an experiment. I love experiments! This experiment begins with a particle of faith—nothing more—a simple desire to believe. In my life this desire to believe has been a strength and comfort to me during times when I have struggled with hard questions I could not find immediate answers to. I love how Alma teaches us that the beginning of our testimonies is a desire to believe, followed by an experiment on the word. In other words, we have to want a testimony, and we have to do something with the gospel knowledge we have gained. And even after we see that the word is good, we cannot expect to have a perfect knowledge right away.[7] These early experiments serve to increase our faith. There is nothing wrong with having faith and believing as you work to gain a deeper and stronger testimony of the truth.
Alma goes on to describe the care and effort required to nurture a testimony from a seedling to one that bears fruit. I think part of Alma's message is that it takes time, patience, and diligence to grow a testimony from a desire to believe to a sure knowledge. Be patient with the Lord and with yourself as you strive to build your testimony.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, in the October 2013 General Conference, said:
It's natural to have questions—the acorn of honest inquiry has often sprouted and matured into a great oak of understanding. There are few members of the Church who, at one time or another, have not wrestled with serious or sensitive questions. One of the purposes of the Church is to nurture and cultivate the seed of faith—even in the sometimes sandy soil of doubt and uncertainty. Faith is to hope for things which are not seen but which are true.
Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters—my dear friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.[8]
When I was younger, I wanted a once-and-for-all testimony. I didn't want to work at growing my testimony over a lifetime. But it hasn't been that way for me. I question and challenge ideas. I wonder about a lot of things. But through my experiences, I never stopped trying my best to live the gospel. I didn't use my questions or concerns as excuses for not keeping the commandments. Rather, they motivated me to try harder. Trials come to all of us. We get to choose how we will respond to them.
If you are seeking a greater witness of the truth, or if you are struggling with doctrinal questions, be patient. Trust the Lord. He may not provide every answer you want when you want it. As a teacher, some of my students find my methods frustrating. I try not to answer students' questions in class. I've found that it's easy to tell students answers to their questions, but true understanding can only come to the learner through the individual's struggle to acquire it. When you struggle to gain knowledge for yourself, you will retain it better and longer. Why should gaining spiritual knowledge be any different? As you persevere in the effort to gain or strengthen your personal testimony, your spiritual knowledge of the truth will grow.
Accept the Lord's blessings. Give yourself permission to be happy as you wait upon the Lord. Find joy in the midst of struggle by learning to accept the Lord's will and gladly wait for answers to come. It's okay to be happy even as you struggle to gain your spiritual footing. If answers don't come right away, be patient, persevere, and give yourself permission to be happy while you wait.
I recently had a mote in my eye. I would not have thought of it that way, but it truly was a mote. A tiny, almost invisible sliver stuck under my eyelid. It wasn't painful, but it was uncomfortable, like an eyelash stuck in my eye, except it wouldn't flush out. My wife couldn't see it. I couldn't see it. It bothered me most when I tried to sleep at night. It would keep me up, just scratching and irritating me. I wondered how it would be if I had to go the rest of my life with this irritation in my eye. Finally, after about a week, I called an optometrist to see if he could help me. It was a Saturday, and they were closing in a few minutes. I hurried to get to his office before he closed for the weekend. I didn't wait. The doctor everted my eyelid (which means he flipped my eyelid inside out), examined my eye, and found a couple of tiny slivers. He seemed unsure whether they were really even the cause of the problem because they were so small. He applied a numbing agent and then plucked the slivers from my eye. I felt instant relief. I was so grateful that I could close my eye without discomfort. It made me wish I had gone to see the doctor a week earlier, when I first discovered the problem.
Have you ever had a mote in your eye spiritually? Do you have one now? Are you waiting to have it removed? Why are you waiting? When we have done something wrong in our lives that requires us to sincerely seek forgiveness, it's hard to confess to those whom we have offended or to our bishop. You may even think if you wait long enough the need to fully repent will go away, but it doesn't. Just as I felt such complete relief after the doctor removed the mote from my eye, if you are waiting to repent, make up your mind and act now so you can experience similar relief in your spiritual life.
Our family has a set of leather couches in our living room. They are nothing special, but as the one who has to replace things that wear out, I probably show more concern for them than I should. One day I noticed that someone had scratched a work of art into one of the seat cushions on the couch.
After a little deductive reasoning, I called my youngest son, Dallin, who was four at the time, to come and discuss this damage to the furniture with me. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: "Who did this to the couch?"
Dallin: "What will happen to the person who did it?"
Me: "I will love them even more."
Dallin: (very quickly) "It was me!"
Sometimes my students stray outside the boundaries of the Honor Code in their coursework. Sometimes they are not even aware that what they are doing is dishonest. They may even believe they are helping each other. Some have helped each other on take-home exams. Others have shared work with their friends, who then submitted it as their own or "tweaked" it to help themselves feel better about turning it in. Some of the most treasured moments in my teaching here have come during the conversations with these students after they have cheated in my classes.
During one such conversation, a student expressed his doubt that the gospel was true and told me he was considering dropping out of college. He was making a lot of money as a sales person and felt he would be just as successful without a college degree. I offered my encouragement and shared my testimony with him. Months later, I received the following message from him:
Oftentimes I think about the talk...we had in your office. Honestly, it has been [such a] treasure to me. It has literally changed my perspective towards what I really want and what is the most important thing in my life. I couldn't thank you enough for the guidance and help. I am coming back to graduate in the winter semester.
That conversation is a treasure to me as well.
You may feel alone, afraid, ashamed of what you've done. It takes courage to do the right thing. It takes even more courage to come forward when we have messed up. The Lord rejoices when we repent. Teachers, bishops, and parents also rejoice. We know it's hard to do. We've had to do it ourselves. When you allow others to help you repent, they will love you even more.
You may find that you have developed a habit that you wish you hadn't. You want to change, but you just seem to return to the bad behavior in moments of weakness. You recognize the need to change but find it difficult, seemingly impossible to do. Do not despair. You are not alone. It's okay to get help from people who love you and are cheering for you. There is a big difference between repeatedly slipping up and rebelling against God.
President Uchtdorf has said:
It matters not how completely ruined our lives may seem. It matters not how scarlet our sins, how deep our bitterness, how lonely, abandoned, or broken our hearts may be. Even those who are without hope, who live in despair, who have betrayed trust, surrendered their integrity, or turned away from God can be rebuilt...
The joyous news of the gospel is this: because of the eternal plan of happiness provided by our loving Heavenly Father and through the infinite sacrifice of Jesus the Christ, we can not only be redeemed from our fallen state and restored to purity, but we can also transcend mortal imagination and become heirs of eternal life and partakers of God's indescribable glory.[9]
It's easy to see others and think you are the only one who needs to repent. That is simply not true. We are all fallen and lost.[10] And we are all here to help each other. You are warriors in the great battle between good and evil. The adversary's forces are well armed. They are well organized. The Lord's forces are more powerful and better armed. I am reminded of the account of Elisha and his servant, when they were surrounded by a fearsome enemy.
And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do?
And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.
And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.[11]
The angels of God stand beside you, even as you continually struggle with doubt and sin. You are not going to become perfect in this life. So why even try? Because the great blessing of life is in the struggle to become what God wants us to become. It's not in having more, getting more, or even in being more—it's in becoming more each day. The growth comes through the struggle, not in spite of it. So don't give up. When you mess up again and feel that you will never be able to overcome whatever weakness you are trying to overcome, keep going![12] Eventually you will make it.
Just as your testimony is not a one-time event, neither is repentance. The Lord has given us time to work through our weakness, sorrows, pain, and doubt. He will not leave you comfortless. The Savior has paid the full price for all of our sins. He sent loving family, friends, leaders, and teachers to strengthen us during times of doubt and to help us find our way back when we are lost.
I am grateful for the trials of my faith. Through them, I have gained greater knowledge of gospel truths. Brothers and sisters, the Lord knows each of us individually. He knows our strengths and our weaknesses, our hopes, dreams, fears, and sorrows. He knows our hearts. He allows us to make mistakes so we can learn from them, and He continues to love us, for He knows who we really are and what our true potential is. He paid the price for each of us to return to Him. I know that this gospel is true through the witness of the Holy Ghost. Jesus is the Christ. We have a living prophet today. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes
[1] 2 Nephi 2:11
[2] D&C 46:13-14
[3] https://www.lds.org/topics/testimony?lang=eng
[4] 1 Nephi 2:16
[5] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/knowing-that-we-know?lang=eng, Heber J. Grant, Gospel Standards, comp. G. Homer Durham (1941), 191-93
[6] Alma 32:27
[7] Alma 32:28-29
[8] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/come-join-with-us?lang=eng
[9] https://www.lds.org/ensign/2016/05/sunday-morning-session/he-will-place-you-on-his-shoulders-and-carry-you-home?lang=eng
[10] Isaiah 53:6
[11] 2 Kings 6:15-17
[12] Ether 12:27