I appreciate that we sang "Have I Done Any Good in the World Today" for the opening hymn as it sets the tone for my talk. The title of my talk is "Heavenly Father, what am I to learn?"
In 1992 I was attending BYU. I loved it there. I knew that BYU, just like BYU-Idaho for many of you, would allow me to build that sure foundation spoken of in Helaman 5:12. As a disciple preparation center, BYU-Idaho is teaching you more than secular knowledge. You are being taught how to strengthen and build your testimony, how to love others, how to serve, how to become a better member of society. In short, a church education is education of the heart, mind, and spirit. So, how can you use your time here at BYU-Idaho to build a foundation that can weather any storm? One way, is by learning from those who have gone before and taking in stride all challenges that come to us and asking, "Heavenly Father, what am I to learn?" Let me share with you today three life experiences that have made me stronger. By sharing these with you, I hope to strengthen you when storms come upon you in your life.
Example 1
It was the summer of 1992 that I met, fell in love with, and married my eternal sweetheart, Diane Morehead. She was in my family home evening group. Smart, funny, pretty, a returned missionary, and she loved the Lord more than anyone I had ever met. I knew from the moment I met her that this was the girl for me. As we began to discuss the possibility of marriage, Diane said we needed to talk. She invited me over for dinner at her apartment, made me a wonderful dinner, and at the end of dinner said, "There is something I need to tell you before our relationship goes any further." I thought to myself, here it goes, the great break up speech and she just wants to be "friends." Diane went on to tell me that she had multiple sclerosis, an autoimmune disease. Twenty-five years ago there were limited drug treatments and not much was known about MS. She explained to me that even though she was perfectly healthy now, there was a possibility that someday she would become crippled and could even die prematurely.
So, there I sat with my entire life ahead of me. Did I truly believe in eternal marriage? If yes, marry Diane and all will work out in God's time. If no, don't marry Diane. As I was praying about what to do, an image came to my head. Whether I had seen it or not before in a church lesson I do not know, but it looked like this: my 80 or so years of life was really just this small dot on this long spectrum where the line has no beginning or end. The answer to my prayers was if I believed in eternal marriage then we could do this. I said to myself, "Surely I would have at least 10 good years of marriage before Diane's health started to deteriorate, I can do this."
So, we continued dating and were married in the Ogden Utah Temple. Ten days after our marriage, Diane's first visible MS symptoms arrived. While we were walking up the stairs from lower campus to upper campus at BYU, her leg started to drag. What? I must admit I started to freak out a little. Ten days into marriage? I was hoping for 10 years, not 10 days. I pled with the Lord, a little more time than this where she can be healthy, but this was not the answer. In Alma 26:27 we learn that we should "bear with patience thine afflictions," and in Alma 36:3 we learn that those that "put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials."
As I reflected further on the answer I received before we were married, I remembered that marriage is eternal, that it can last forever, but God must be in the middle. So, I continued onward, what other choice did I have? Quit? Give up? Get divorced? I had made a covenant with God and with Diane that I intended to keep.
I graduated from the College of Engineering at BYU and I was hired on by a Fortune 500 company and moved Diane and our new son to Denver. From there I continued to work hard, excel at work, and we added additional children as we moved around the country. Diane's health continued to fail, but she never, ever complained. She would say her MS was a blessing. I worked hard and rapidly moved up through the ranks of the companies I worked for; holding positions of Director, Managing Director and Senior Vice President at three different Fortune 500 companies. As I transitioned from company to company Diane was always supportive of my career aspirations. During this time my work-related travel was increasing to weekly travel from coast to coast and border to border. I loved my job. I loved the money, fancy cars, nice hotels, and first class airline seats. The opportunities I was being given for growth were unheard of for anyone of my age in this industry. At the time it was easy to think that I earned these opportunities, but in hindsight, I see the Lord was using these opportunities for training me. He was helping to move me along so I could be at this place, here at BYU-Idaho, at this time in my life.
In January of 2006 I was overseeing facilities operations in over 3,000 banks and campus facilities across the country. I managed over $4 billion in real estate assets and had an $800 million operating budget. From the outside looking in I was successful and I had the perfect family, but my heart was breaking every day-my beautiful helpmate and companion was suffering physically and emotionally from the effects of her multiple sclerosis. It was clear to me that I was going to have to choose between my promise to Diane to help her in her time of need or to continue on my corporate path that I enjoyed immensely.
The day had arrived, my company offered me the position of COO, Chief Operating Officer, over all of Europe, Middle East, and Africa. We would be based in London, and the kids would go to the finest private schools. I had a nice compensation package for housing and salary-everything you could want monetarily. But my wife's health concerned me, how could she handle the kids, driving to school and activities, when her health was getting so bad she was almost to the point of not driving a car and could only walk a few hundred steps a day. So, I went to the Lord in prayer, not once, or twice, but hundreds of times over the period of nine months asking, "What should I do?" I would ask and plead. I put options before the Lord. I created spreadsheets to analyze my options and to work through all possible solutions, but still, no answer. As I was flying from Seattle to New York in November of 2006 the captain of the plane came on the speakers and said, "Folks, we are just headed a little to the north of Rexburg, Idaho, then continuing on just south of Chicago, then into New York." Wait, what? Rexburg? I had flown back east hundreds of times and I had never heard the pilot mention anything in southeast Idaho, especially Rexburg! Pilots don't mention the names of small towns, but he did that day. I had never been to Rexburg, Idaho. I had heard some great things were happening at BYU-Idaho, but what could I do for employment? I landed in New York and will never forget that night when I logged onto the BYU-Idaho website, sitting in the Long Island Marriott, and saw two job openings I could possibly do. I called my wife, told her my crazy plan and she was so excited for me and for our family. I interviewed, received one of the jobs and we moved to Rexburg.
My wife's health continued to fail, but she never once complained, she passed away in the fall of 2014. We had been married 22 years. She was my best friend, my life long companion, and the one I promised I would protect and take care of. I remember when she fell into a coma I crawled up on her bed, I lay beside her and I wailed. It was not crying, it was my heart breaking. I could not believe this day had come. I had 22 years to anticipate this moment. I had gone through it thousands of times in my mind-how I would be prepared and it would be fine. It wasn't fine, it hurt, and it was the most terrible thing I had ever experienced. Later that evening Diane passed onto the other side. The next day my heart broke again, over and over again. My misery was out of control, it is indescribable. I tried praying, asking God for some relief to the pain I was feeling, but to no avail. We had the funeral and I continued for four more days in a fog of pain and suffering. I have had pain in my life, including a broken back, compound fracture in my leg, and broken fingers and hand. I have had torn ligaments in my ankle and knee that had to be surgically repaired. I have had a brain hemorrhage and now have a titanium clip here in my head. I have had third degree burns all over my chest that required a long stay in the hospital and skin grafts. I have had kidney stones, pancreatitis, and my gall bladder removed. I have sinned and gone through a painful repentance process. But having my heart broken was worse than all of these put together. A week after Diane's death I was at home, still not myself, crying, trying to gain composure and my daughter Emily who was 17 at that time came over to me, grabbed me by both arms and said, "Dad, stop this. Mom is so happy now. She is free of pain and the body she was trapped in. She never wanted you or any of us to be sad because of her trials. We can all be together again, but you have to get it together!"
So it was. Emily was right. As my boat sat there floating with no direction, she put wind in my sails. Emily filled my sails and allowed me to get my boat moving again. My heart was broken, my spirit contrite, and I was ready to ask, "Dear Heavenly Father, what am I to learn?"
Example 2
All of us have the chance every day of filling someone's sails. We can also take the wind out of someone's sails as well.
To fully appreciate this analogy all of you need to understand some basics of sailing and the structure of a sailboat. I started sailing with my grandfather in the Puget Sound, just north of Seattle, when I was seven years old. One of the hardest things about moving to Rexburg was selling our family sailboat, which was lovingly named "Nemo."
Sailing is really pretty basic and people around the globe have been sailing for thousands of years. We need to understand four basic components about sailing for this metaphor to make sense:
- The rudder steers the sailboat.
- The keel balances the sailboat. The Keel is the heaviest part of the sailboat, it helps keep the sail boat straight up. As winds increase and the sailboat lists to one side, the keel works to pull the boat straight up again.
- The mast carries the sail and takes the strength of the wind through the sails to move the boat along its course.
- The main sail fills with wind and propels the sailboat. The main sail is the strongest sail that gives power to your sailboat by collecting the wind and directing it through the mast to the boat.
All four of these components must be working together if the sailboat is to move forward. I have had 35 years to think and ponder about life's joys and troubles while sailing, and would like to share with you how I have managed these through the metaphor of sailing.
When wind is in your sails, it propels the boat; it moves you along to your destination. When we say someone has "taken the wind out of our sails" what we are saying is literally, we have taken the ability away for this person to make progress, to move forward, and we have done something that is keeping someone from progressing. We have all been there, on the side of having something bad said to us, or maybe when we have said something unkind to others.
What have you done today to put wind in someone's sails? What have you done that could have taken the wind out of someone's sails?
When I was about 15 years old I was sailing with my brother and grandfather. We had a typical route that would take us across the Puget Sound towards Whidbey Island, then around Hat Island and then sail back to the Marina. This particular day my grandfather wasn't feeling well and he told me the course to take and he was going to take a short nap. As I was sailing I caught a good wind and was making good time. In the distance I saw a large container ship. I knew I should stick to the course outlined for me, but I thought I could sail in front of this container ship and then I could catch the big waves as I crossed over the back of it as it powered by us. About halfway across the path of this large container ship my wind died. I panicked. I did not know what to do. Death was imminent. I could wake my grandfather and confess my stupidity or I could stay there in complete fear and be killed. Both options were equal in my 15-year-old brain. I eventually woke my grandfather. He came up, saw our peril, started the engine, and got us out of harm's way. I can tell you this; he never went to sleep again when I was captain. What can we learn from this? Just like in life, things can be going along well for us, we can be moving along just great, steering our life wherever we choose, collecting wind in our sails from our employment, friends, church callings, then something happens. There is no wind in our sails, it was there one minute, now it is gone. Often times, if not most times, we need someone to help us, to start the engine to our boat as my grandfather did, and to put wind in our sails.
Would you all please take out your cell phones? Yes, take out your cell phones so we can put wind in someone's sails, right now, right here. Think of someone who could use that little extra encouragement. Maybe it is a little sister that just needs to hear from you that you love her. Maybe it is a text to your dad, saying "sorry." Whatever it is, please send a text now. Take a few seconds to fill someone's sails and I will do the same.
How do you feel right now? Great, I hope! The Holy Ghost is our constant companion to help us, he has just helped you to know whose sails to fill. Ask yourself now, "Dear Heavenly Father, what am I to learn?"
Example 3
Single at 43! Learning to date again at my age was a weird experience. I have to apologize publicly that when I saw my kids and you students falling in love through communications via e-mail, texting, skyping, Facebook messages, etc., I thought to myself, "Just pick up the phone already, just like in the old days." What I found though, as I started this dating journey is that you could still use the phone, but all of these other communication mediums were important and I could build a relationship through the use of them as well. Before Diane passed away I did not plan on dating or remarrying after her passing. I planned on going back to corporate and making my mark on the world.
I was interviewing at Microsoft in December of 2014 and had this feeling, a weird feeling, that going back to corporate wasn't what I needed to do. I had gone on one date with Kami McKane, who was a widow with three boys at home. I really liked her. She was smart, funny, pretty, and had a great testimony. My late wife Diane had told me numerous times that she expected that I remarry, but it always seemed weird to talk about. So when I did start dating, I knew I had her blessing, which was a great comfort. Anyway, Kami and I continued on our courtship and we married last year. Many people asked why we would get married again. Kami is sealed to her late husband as I am to my late wife, both of us for time and all eternity. Why get married again, for time only? Our relationship is one of friendship and love, but most importantly to help each other and our children to return undefiled and prepared to sit at the judgment seat of God and return to our eternal companions.
Now we have a blended family of seven children, ages seven to 24. All of our children have had their hearts broken. To lose a mother or father is traumatic. All we can ask is, "Dear Heavenly Father, what am I to learn?" To curse God, blame others or not move on is not God's plan. We must move forward, we can only move forward or backward. Staying in one place is moving backward. Kami is my wife now. She is a great example to me and our children. She went to college and earned her degree in English, with no real plans to ever use it, but knew it was wise to do so. She was married in college to a great man, who provided for her and her children. When he died suddenly of a massive heart attack, she was thrust into the work force. She took on a school teaching job and did that until we married. What would she have done for employment had she not completed her degree is a lesson for anyone contemplating not completing their education.
What can you learn from these three examples I have given today? What can you incorporate into your life right now, right here?
- Expect the unexpected, find joy in every day.
- Put wind in your own sails and in others' through positive thoughts and actions.
- Prepare yourself mentally, spiritually and physically for whatever may come your way.
- Always ask yourself, "Dear Heavenly Father, what am I to learn?"
It is a blessing for me to work here at BYU-Idaho. I try every day to make your lives better through the departments I oversee and assignments I take on. To be associated with all of you, students, staff, and faculty with testimonies of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is a blessing in my life and in my family's. I know that God lives. I know without a doubt that there is life after death. We can be with our loved ones again. Be kind, choose good works, and never forget that these lessons in life are learning opportunities. The next time you have a trial or are confused about something that has happened, ask yourself, "Dear Heavenly Father, what am I to learn?" I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.