I want you to know how much I love this place. Not only do I get to teach here and associate with all of you; I also got a great education here, and the best thing that ever happened to me happened on this campus. Her name is Bonnie, and she's seated right behind me on the stand. We actually attended several devotionals together when we were students. I think we even held hands. As a matter of fact, I'm sure of it because I don't remember a single thing any of the speakers said. I was just so happy to be holding a girl's hand. I was living the dream--a returned missionary, at Ricks College, holding hands with the girl that I would someday marry. Now, 24 years, seven children, and almost one grandchild later, here we are at devotional again. She's my companion, my hero, and my very best friend.
Friday we had what I call a "perfect moment in time." Things got so busy during the week that we didn't plan a date. Our kids eventually settled in front of a movie though, so we snuck out and headed for Dairy Queen in my old truck, which is the perfect date vehicle because it has a bench seat and my wife can sit right next to me. There wasn't much time, so we went through the drive-through and got our ice cream and a basket of fries. On our way back we stopped at a light, and I turned to Bonnie and said, "It doesn't get any better than this. This is every man's dream: to eat ice cream, snuggled up next to the woman he loves, in a truck that smells like french fries." The radio wasn't on at the time, but I swear I could hear Journey playing in the background.
This will probably embarrass Sister Venema, but I wanted you to get a good look at her.
Isn't she adorable! I am actually in this picture, but I cropped myself out after a friend of mine, seeing the original in my office, said, "Well, at least half your picture looks good." You're looking at the good half!
In 2009 Sister Julie Beck, then the Relief Society general president, made the following observation about young people in the Church: "As I meet with young single adults around the world, I ask them, 'Why does the First Presidency care so much about you and provide so many resources for you?' These are some of the answers I get: 'We are future Church leaders.' 'We need training so we can stay strong.' 'Our testimonies are strengthened in our seminary and institute classes.' 'We need to meet other great Latter-day Saint youth.' 'We are the hope of the future.' I have rarely heard, 'So I will someday be a better father or a better mother.'[1]
I want you to know that Sister Beck's observation was true of me when I was your age. I knew I wanted to get married, and I knew I wanted to be a father, but I wasn't necessarily preparing with that role in mind. As a matter of fact, my wife reminded me that the day she approached me with a twinkle in her eye and said, "I feel like it's time to start our family," I took a very long walk--so long that it worried her. It wasn't that I didn't agree or that I doubted her timing or ability to receive revelation. I think I was just overwhelmed with the thought that my life was about to change forever and that I wasn't ready. Now fast-forward 20 or so years. Just the other day, I made this note in my journal: "Sometimes being a dad is exhausting, but I can't think of anything I'd rather do!"
Here's something I never anticipated as a young adult. My oldest two children are girls: Alex, who is married and now expecting a child of her own; and Amanda, who is a student here this semester. When they were young teenagers, they pleaded with their mother to go to the midnight premier of a popular movie here in town. Their mom isn't a big movie watcher and didn't have any desire to stay up that late and watch this particular show, so they cornered me. I knew if I went, my girls would be happy and that I could use this as leverage to get them to clean up their room, so I agreed to take them. They promised me I wouldn't be disappointed, because this movie featured vampires and werewolves and was full of non-stop action and adventure. Boy, was I misinformed!
When we got to the theater and bought our popcorn, I was surprised to look around a little and see that I was the only man in the room. The whole place was full of teenage girls and their mothers, some of whom were dressed up as vampires with little bite marks on their necks or wearing t-shirts that said "Team this" or "Team that."
Once the lights went out and the show started, I felt much less self-conscious, but the movie was hardly the action thriller I was promised. As a matter of fact, about halfway through, one of the main characters appeared with his shirt off, and the room just erupted with cheers, whistling, and raucous applause. When the noise died down, I asked my daughters, "What was that all about?" I'm not sure which of the girls responded, but one of them said, "Dad, it's his abs."
When I got home my wife was in bed but still awake and asked me how the evening went. I told her about the experience, including the shirtless werewolf part, and asked her the question that had been on my mind for an hour or so: "So are abs really that important to a woman?" (I hadn't seen them in a few years, but I knew they were in there somewhere.) She quickly replied, "Oh, that's not what makes a married man attractive."
I was a little suspicious, but I pressed on. "What does make a married man attractive?"
"Vacuum cleaners," she said. "Nothing makes a man more attractive to his wife than to see him pushing the vacuum cleaner around the house."
This may be one of those lessons you young men want to learn sooner than later. This is a picture of my son-in-law, Curt, "making himself more attractive."
Isn't he adorable? Well, I not only scored some points with my daughters that day; I learned an important truth about being an attractive husband. I've been vacuuming ever since. And, incidentally, all the exercise has really been helping my abs.
David O. McKay taught, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home."[2] Now, I'm not suggesting that going to the movies with your kids is "success," but it may be a small part of it. Parenting has a lot to do with setting aside things you might rather be doing in order to focus on the needs and wants of your children. President McKay continued,
The greatest trust that can come to a man and woman is the placing in their keeping the life of a little child.... What must the Lord think, then, of parents who, through their own negligence or willful desire to indulge their selfishness, fail properly to rear their children, and thereby prove untrue to the greatest trust that has been given to human beings? ...
To the Latter-day Saint the home is truly the basic unit of society; and parenthood is next to Godhood. The secret of good citizenship lies in the home. The secret of instilling faith in God, faith in his Son, the Redeemer of the world, faith in the organizations of the Church, lies in the home. There it is centered. God has placed upon parents the responsibility of instilling these principles into the minds of children. Our schools, our Church organizations, and some worthy social institutions are all helps ..., but none of these--great and important as they are in the lives of our youth--can supplant the permanence and the influence of the parents in the home.[3]
It takes faith to be a parent, especially when the world is in such commotion. Recent events and elections may cause you to hesitate a little or even wonder if it's possible to raise righteous posterity in the current environment. These verses from the Book of Mormon always give me hope:
And it came to pass that there was still great contention in the land, yea, even in the forty and seventh year, and also in the forty and eighth year.
Nevertheless Helaman did fill the judgment-seat with justice and equity; yea, he did observe to keep the statutes, and the judgments, and the commandments of God; and he did do that which was right in the sight of God continually; and he did walk after the ways of his father, insomuch that he did prosper in the land.
And it came to pass that he had two sons. He gave unto the eldest the name of Nephi, and unto the youngest, the name of Lehi. And they began to grow up unto the Lord.[4]
Did you notice that the context here was a period of "great contention" and wickedness in the land? In spite of this, Helaman was able to keep the commandments himself and able to pass those values on to his own children. It can be the same for you and your children.
I know all of you want to be married and hope for children, and that the doctrine of the family is important to you. It might be important, however, to ask yourself if parenthood is something you will be content to measure your success by. Is being the best father or mother enough, or will there be something else you attach your self-worth to? It could be an advanced degree, a future career, a hobby, or even a Church calling. Those things are all important and may be necessary in your life and in the kingdom of God, but they are not the most important. If you're not careful, they could even distract you from your highest and best roles.
It's interesting that our Church handbook of instructions is set up to remind us that the home should be preeminent in our thinking and planning. The very first chapter is entitled "Families and the Church in God's Plan." In it we read, "God has revealed a pattern of spiritual progress for individuals and families through ordinances, teaching, programs, and activities that are home centered and Church supported. Church organizations and programs exist to bless individuals and families and are not ends in themselves. Priesthood and auxiliary leaders and teachers seek to assist parents, "not to supersede or replace them.... Church leaders need to be careful not to overwhelm families with too many Church responsibilities."[5]
You've probably noticed that our modern culture gives inordinate attention to the highly successful. The world teaches that true greatness comes from being out front and on top of all those other "ordinary" people. If we want to be considered successful, we need to be more athletic, more beautiful, more intelligent, and more popular, and have it all documented in social media. You and I, however, know differently. "The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."[6] It's the meek that inherit the earth, not the proud. It's the broken-hearted, not the hard-hearted, who have divine approval. It's the one who loses his life that finds it, not the one who seeks to save it. We know it, but in the heat of the moment, or in the grind of daily life, it's easy to forget and become discontented, discouraged, and even depressed with where we are, who we are, and what we're doing.
Here's an example you may relate to. Years ago I was called away from my home ward to serve on this campus. A week or so after being set apart, a sister came in for an interview and expressed some concern about a calling she had received at the beginning of the semester. As I recall, she said something like this: "I came here to Ricks College and was excited to participate and serve. When the bishop called me into his office, I knew he had a calling for me, and I secretly hoped that it would be something that stretched me and helped me to get to know people. As it turned out, my calling was to be the centerpiece coordinator in Relief Society. I've been doing it, but I know it's not important and no one really cares. What do I do?" First of all, I had no idea what a centerpiece coordinator did. It wasn't in the handbook, and there was no manual I could give her. She explained that she was to call the teacher each week, find out what the lesson topic for that Sunday was, and then create a centerpiece befitting the lesson. We don't do this in priesthood meeting because if it's on the table and it's not edible, the brethren don't care. (Although I did Google "LDS centerpieces" the other day, just for fun, and saw an orange Powerade bottle that said, "Orange you blessed to have the priesthood "Power" to "Ade" you in your life?")
Anyway, regardless of how you feel about the need for centerpieces in our meetings, this good sister felt underwhelmed, and questioned how much she was worth to the Lord. I can't remember exactly what I said to her then, but I have some counsel for any of you, students and faculty alike, who may be struggling with similar feelings now.
The Apostle Paul taught the saints at Corinth,
"For the body is not one member, but many."
"... God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him...."
"And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you."
"Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary."[7]
Paul reminds us that different members with distinct and important roles are meant to complement each other so that the whole organism can move and act and fulfill its divine purpose. Just like you would miss an eye if it were plucked out, the Church suffers when members are missing and callings are left undone.
I know there are a few of you out there who are doing just fine without your tonsils or your appendix or your wisdom teeth, but you get much beyond that and your ability to do all you want to do is impaired. The body of Christ, on the other hand, "hath need of every member, that all may be edified together, that the system may be kept perfect."[8] In other words, there are no tonsils, appendix, or wisdom teeth when it comes to our presence and participation in the kingdom of God. Even though we know this, sometimes our hearts yearn to be used in greater, and sometimes more visible, ways. President Uchtdorf described it this way: "Those who seek to lead may feel they are capable of doing more than what they are currently asked to do. Some might think, 'If only I were a bishop, I could make a difference.' They believe that their abilities far surpass their calling. Perhaps if they were in an important position of leadership, they would work hard at making a difference. But they wonder, 'What possible influence can I have as merely a home teacher or a counselor in the quorum presidency?'"[9] (And I would add, "Or as a father or a mother in my home.")
I worry sometimes that we create and perpetuate the false idea that becoming like Christ can only happen as we labor outside the home, progressing from one calling to the next in a steady succession of ever-increasing responsibility. Some, for example, believe the ideal track to exaltation begins in the mission field with a rapid rise to senior companion, then DL, ZL, and capstone service as an AP (I apologize to any of you sisters who would like to be used as a bad example here, but it's generally men who have dumb ideas like this). Shortly after your return, you would be chosen as the elders quorum president in your student ward, where you would inspire 100 percent home teaching. After marrying the Relief Society president, you would graduate, settle down, begin to raise the perfect family, and immediately be called as a counselor in the bishopric, and then as bishop a few years later. Your exceptional service will soon after merit a call to the high council, counselor in the stake presidency, and finally as stake president--all prior to your 40th birthday. From there it's mission president, Area Authority Seventy, and then a red chair at general conference.
If this line of reasoning were true--and it's definitely not--very few people would ever qualify for exaltation in this life. There just aren't enough leadership callings of that magnitude available. Believing this, whether we admit it or not, can also be spiritually dangerous to us and to our families because it gives Satan a great opportunity to minimize the God-given roles we already have and to appeal to our pride. We get a glimpse of how the Lord feels in an 1831 chastisement of William W. Phelps. He is told, "And also he hath need to repent, for I, the Lord, am not well pleased with him, for he seeketh to excel, and he is not sufficiently meek before me."[10]
Now contrast what the Savior taught His Apostles about true greatness:
"And there was also a strife among them, which of them should be accounted the greatest."
"And he said unto them, The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; ..."
"But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve. ... I am among you as he that serveth."[11]
Jesus merited the greatest respect, honor, and deferential treatment of anyone who ever lived, yet he was content to "be as the younger" and one "that serveth." Think for a moment about the tireless service your own mother renders in your behalf. President McKay taught,
The noblest calling in the world is motherhood. True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece, or who can write a book that will influence millions, deserves the admiration and plaudits of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose immortal souls will exert an influence throughout the ages long after paintings shall have faded, and books and statues shall have decayed or have been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God.
Motherhood is the one thing in all the world which most truly exemplifies the God-given virtues of creating and sacrificing.... No nobler work in this world can be performed by any mother than to rear and love the children with whom God has blessed her.[12]
I used to coach my oldest daughter's city-league basketball team. She was 9 or 10 at the time and was more interested in having fun and mingling with the other girls than in scoring a lot of points or even winning games. I tried, with mixed success, to teach the girls to dribble and shoot and pass and catch. Most of them were content to play minor roles and just enjoyed being part of a team. At our first game I realized very quickly that not all the parents were as content with that arrangement as their daughters were. I heard things from the stands like "Don't let her get away with that!" and "If she gets in your way again, knock her over!" I wasn't aware of this, but apparently it's important for little girls to learn how to growl, push, and throw a good elbow when they're nine if they want to be responsible, contributing adults and future mothers.
Sometimes we send the message that aggression and superior self-confidence is the key to future success. Well, it just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't reconcile what I was hearing and seeing with anything the Savior taught. It wasn't until just recently that I read the following from Elder Maxwell: "If we truly want the best for our sons and daughters, we want for them not status but more meekness, mercy, love, patience, and submissiveness."[13] I think this is especially true if we want them to be good mothers and fathers and disciples of Christ.
I know what you're thinking. "Brother Venema, words like meekness, mercy, love, and submissiveness never show up on any sports apparel I've ever seen. No self-respecting rugby team in the world would wear jerseys that say, "The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth." That may be true, but those things go a long way in helping maintain marriages, family relationships, and genuine friendships. It's always a shame when those gospel-centered ideals are sacrificed on the altar of someone's selfish ambition or win-at-all-costs attitude. Imagine how embarrassed you would be if you showed up to the gates of heaven wearing a t-shirt that says "Eat my dust" or "Second place is the first loser."
In 1989 Elder Dallin H. Oaks referred to a talk given much earlier by President J. Reuben Clark to remind the whole Church of an important principle:
In every great cause there are leaders and followers. In the wagon trains, the leaders were "out in front where the air was clear and clean and where they had unbroken vision of the blue vault of heaven." But, as President Clark observed, "Back in the last wagon, not always could they see the brethren way out in front and the blue heaven was often shut out from their sight by heavy, dense clouds of dust.... Yet day after day, they of the last wagon pressed forward, worn and tired, footsore, sometimes almost disheartened, borne up by their faith that God loved them, that the Restored Gospel was true, and that the Lord led and directed the brethren out in front." ...
The fruits of the gospel issue from every honest and good heart, without regard to past origins or current positions in the Church....
There are hidden heroines and heroes among the Latter-day Saints--"those of the last wagon" whose fidelity to duty and devotion to righteousness go unnoticed by anyone except the One whose notice really matters.[14]
Sometimes we seek to lead simply because it draws the attention of others to our service, and their praise and recognition is motivating to us. In both the Bible and the Book of Mormon, the Lord was critical of those who gave, prayed, and fasted "that they may be seen of men."[15] In both accounts, those who chose public recognition over secret service and worship missed the greater blessing that comes from a God who "seeth in secret."[16] The Savior highlighted this attitude among the Pharisees to teach His Apostles an important leadership lesson:
"All their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments,"
"And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues,"
"And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi."
"But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren...."
"But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant."[17]
One lesson for you and me is to be cautious how we feel about and use titles and offices in our church service and professional life. I'm not suggesting that you not show proper respect to those who are called to preside. You should address your bishop as "Bishop" and members of the stake presidency as "President," but when it comes to you and your service, it might be wise not to begin sentences with "When I was a ..." (insert whatever title applies--zone leader, Relief Society president, elders quorum president, etc.). It makes others who haven't held those positions uncomfortable and may be a symptom of a desire in you to be seen of men. Elder Marvin J. Ashton gave the following counsel:
"Oftentimes when we dwell on where we have been and where we are now, and what we have now spiritually or financially, we can create resentment rather than respect...."
"When a man knowingly or unknowingly engages in self-exultation because of his riches, his political power, his worldly learning, his physical prowess, his business ability, or even his works of righteousness, he is not in tune with the Spirit of the Lord."[18]
When you have a calling in the Church that requires you, by its nature, to be constantly busy and engaged in the service of others (like being a missionary, for instance) it can be difficult when the release comes. One day you were running as fast as you had strength, and the next day you find yourself at home wondering what normal people do on Tuesday nights. It wasn't long after it happened to me that I rediscovered these verses from D&C Section 58:
"For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward."
"Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;"
"For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward."[19]
It dawned on me that perhaps the greater test of my discipleship was not how I served when I was compelled to serve in front of a congregation but how I would serve now when it was up to me to choose how I would spend my time. This may be where you are at the moment--compelled less by assignment and challenged more by your own agency. There are probably more of us in this situation at any given time than those serving in high positions requiring much, if not all, of their discretionary time. Perhaps this is why Elder Anderson challenged the whole Church at our most recent general conference to "pray often and sincerely for opportunities to stand as a witness of God."[20] Like we just sang in our opening hymn at this devotional,
There are chances for work all around just now,
Opportunities right in our way.
Do not let them pass by, saying, "Sometime I'll try,"
But go and do something today.[21]
The question is, Will you be content to use your agency, regardless of your current calling, to testify, teach, heal, and bless those around you, and especially those of your own home? All of those things, by the way, can and should be done at home on a regular basis. They may not be seen or known to anyone but your own spouse and children but will likely have the most lasting effect.
Elder Maxwell taught,
"Developing greater contentment within certain of our existing constraints and opportunities is one of our challenges. Otherwise we may feel underused, underwhelmed, and underappreciated--while, ironically, within our givens are unused opportunities for service all about us.... There is so much to do within what has been allotted to us. Furthermore, varied as our allotted circumstances may be, we can still keep the commandments of God! ... "
"Thus "the holy present" contains the allotted acres for our discipleship. We need not be situated in prime time with prime visibility in order to work out our own salvation!"[22]
Consider for a moment your "holy present." Who is in your current circle of influence? What are your present assignments? Think about why the Lord may have placed you there, with those people. Those roommates. Those friends. Those classmates. This town. This university. This ward. Now, what questions could you ask the Lord that would help you be a better disciple right now, where you are? Imagine if you woke up every morning and asked, "Who needs me today? Whom can I bless?" How about "How can I be a more effective home or visiting teacher?" or "How can I be a better daughter or son, husband or wife, father or mother?" If we assume that we are on the Lord's errand all the time, no matter where we are or whom we are with, and if we are always looking for opportunities to testify, heal, and bless, then becoming a "success" is a foregone conclusion.
President Monson exemplifies this better than anyone I know. He said, "The sweetest experience I know in life is to feel a prompting and act upon it and later find out that it was the fulfillment of someone's prayer or someone's need. And I always want the Lord to know that if He needs an errand run, Tom Monson will run that errand for Him."[23] Imagine how blessed our families, our neighbors, and our wards would be if we all had the same attitude as our prophet, if we were all truly willing to go to whomever and go whenever the Lord needed, regardless of who noticed. I've found that often the best errand I can run is downstairs to work on a school project, or outside to the basketball hoop or the swing set, or to a child's room to seek forgiveness or to offer a blessing.
I would like to be the kind of person that serves wherever the Lord needs me. Sometimes that has been up front, and sometimes it has been in places barely noticed. The trick is to be as happy and enthusiastic and as committed to serve in obscurity as you are in more prominent places with large audiences and the accompanying accolades. This is especially true in the most important and often most obscure field of all--the home.
This is my family. Aren't they adorable! I'm the chubby one in the middle. One thing I know for sure is that this is where I cannot fail. These are the people who need my best efforts. They should get the most love, the best teaching, receive the greatest benefit from my priesthood, and be most comforted by my protection and vigilance. I testify that, truly, "no other success can compensate for failure in the home." I'm keenly aware of it now at age 47. I wish I had thought more deeply about it when I was 23. I think if I had, I would've been less distracted seeking success in other, less-important places.
May the Lord bless you as you strive for more committed discipleship wherever you happen to be right now, and especially in your home with your family. I know the Lord knows who you are and where you are and that He will lead you by the hand and give you answers to your prayers, especially as you ask the right questions. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes
[1] Julie B. Beck, "Teaching the Doctrine of the Family," Ensign, March 2011
[2] David O. McKay, Doctrine and Covenants and Church History Student Study Guide (2005), 199
[3] David O. McKay, Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay (2011), 152-61
[4] Helaman 3:19-21; emphasis added
[5] Handbook 2: Administering the Church (2010), 1.4; emphasis added
[6] 1 Samuel 16:7
[7] I Corinthians 15:14-23; emphasis added
[8] Doctrine and Covenants 84:110
[9] Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Lift Where You Stand," Ensign, November 2008; emphasis added
[10] Doctrine and Covenants 58:41
[11] Luke 22:24-27
[12] David O. McKay, Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay (2011), 152-61
[13] Neal A. Maxwell, Meek and Lowly, 10
[14] Dallin H. Oaks, "Modern Pioneers," Ensign, November 1989; emphasis added
[15] 3 Nephi 13:5
[16] 3 Nephi 13:6
[17] Matthew 23:5-11; emphasis added
[18] Marvin J. Ashton, "Neither Boast of Faith Nor of Mighty Works," Ensign, May 1990; emphasis added
[19] Doctrine and Covenants 58:26-28
[20] Neil L. Andersen, "A Witness of God," Ensign, November 2016
[21] "Have I Done Any Good," Hymns, no.223
[22] Neal A. Maxwell, "Content with the Things Allotted unto Us," Ensign, May 2000; emphasis added
[23] William R. Walker, "Follow the Prophet," Ensign, April 2014