It is an honor for me to be here with you today. For over sixteen years now my life has been greatly blessed by my associations with this great institution, its administration, its faculty, its staff and above all its students. And it is my hope that this devotional address will be useful in your daily lives, your daily struggles, your daily self-doubting, as other devotional addresses have been in mine.
I wanted to base one of the themes of my address on the last piece of advice I gave to my sons as they were leaving on their missions. I told them to always be cool. Always be cool. I told them not to let self-doubt, guilt and insecurities get the best of them. We live in a very demanding culture; a culture of high expectations; a culture of excellence. In most ways that is very good. However, in a few ways it can be bad if we lose the proper perspective.
I have served in many capacities in the church. Right now I am serving as bishop of my ward in the community, and throughout my life I have known many people who are overburdened, who think they can never measure up, who are ridden with too much guilt, who are overly concerned with image, who are struggling needlessly with culturally-created false needs and false problems. They seem to be completely unaware of what Jesus said. In Matt. 11:28-30 we read the following words:
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
There are a lot of people who don’t heed that advice. You see, one out of every three Americans has a self-concept dominated by the negative. That means that they think more negative things about themselves than positive things. We human beings can be so negative that it takes around 14 positive experiences to make up for the self-esteem damage inflicted by one similar negative experience. For example, as I am leaving this devotional today, if I overhear one person say, "Boy, I am glad that talk is over. That guy was really boring." If I hear something like that, I am going to have to hear fourteen of you say, "Boy, I am sure glad I went to devotional today. That was a great talk." I am going to have to hear fourteen of you say something like that before my self-esteem is restored to where it was before I heard the negative comment.
Sometimes, because we are so fragile, we are unwilling to accept challenges. And sometimes we are even too fragile to deal with the normal frustrations of life. One of my professors in my doctoral program at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro was a man by the name of William W. Purkey. He was one of the top educational psychologists in the United States. During one of his lectures he made the following statement that I wrote down. He said, "Life is not a spectator sport. Life is a contact sport. The worst thing that can happen to you is to walk off the football field of life with a clean uniform." That’s what he said. Because if you walk off the football field with a clean uniform on, it means you haven’t been playing the game. You haven’t been taking the hits. You haven’t been learning what you need to learn and experiencing what you need to experience. But often, we are too scared to play in the game of life, too scared to live the life God would have us live, because our lives are filled with fear and, unfortunately, many of those fears are taught to us by our surrounding culture.
I was born in Philadelphia and lived in that general area until my middle school years. My parents divorced when I was very young and my father wasn’t able to come to visit very much. As I grew up, I became a latch key kid who would get home many hours before my mother arrived from her work as a secretary in downtown Philadelphia. I remember when it would get close to the time for her to arrive, I would stare out the window of our second-story apartment, hoping to get a glimpse of her walking home from the bus stop. You see, I was sure that something was going to happen to my mother and that I would be left with no parents at all. My fears that my mother would die were probably brought on by the culture I lived in and by what I would see on T.V. and in the movies. There are probably many children today who have similar fears and you can’t blame them.
For example, let’s look at some of the movies: Snow White’s mother is dead, Cinderella’s mother is dead, Belle in Beauty and the Beast, her mother is dead, the Beast’s mother is probably dead too. Pocahontas’ mother is dead, Bambi’s mother gets killed during the movie, the Hunchback’s mother is dead, Aladdin’s mother is dead, Jasmine’s mother is dead, the Little Mermaid, I’m not sure about her. Is her mother dead? Well, considering all that’s going on she is probably dead too. What’s going on here? Somebody explain all this to me. The most hazardous occupation in the world is to be the mother of a Disney character.
My life was filled with unreasonable fears. Some of us have many unreasonable fears. Yet, some of our fears are legitimate:
If a loved one is seriously ill, that is a legitimate fear.
If someone you love is addicted to drugs or alcohol, that is a legitimate fear.
If you yourself are involved in destructive behaviors, that is a legitimate fear.
However, even our legitimate fears should not be as powerful and as vexing as they often are. The Lord will always be there for us when we really need Him. He is helping many of you now in ways you know not. We often forget that in the very famous 23rd Psalm it says "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."[1]
My unreasonable fears never materialized. My wonderful mother is still very much alive. She is still very much my mother. She still gives me advice on how to properly dress. She doesn’t really like the music I listen to. She doesn’t approve of the way I part my hair. She says that a professor shouldn’t part his hair down the middle. And I tell her that many of the professors part their hair down the middle. Their parts are usually quite wide, but they still part their hair down the middle.
Most of you still have your mom, some of you, maybe through untimely death or other circumstances, are separated for awhile. Sometimes tragedies really do happen. But I have a strong testimony that when the unreasonable fears really do come true, that the day will come when you will be reunited and all will be well. One day I was walking in a graveyard in N.C. and saw several old graves where people had died before their time. Their deaths probably caused a lot of deep anguish among family and friends. Many tears were probably shed. Inscribed on one of the gravestones was a verse from the Book of Revelation, where we learn about a promise of the Lord concerning what will happen in the winding up scene to those who live good lives yet have suffered. It says in chapter 21 that the Lord will wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain.[2] And I believe in that promise. Despite the setbacks of life, we are on a journey that leads to great joy.
When I got older I had other fears. I used to fear that the girls wouldn’t like me. Maybe because they didn’t. I wasn’t popular with the girls back when I was a teenager. I used to wonder what I could do to be popular with the girls and I decided to ask some people for advice. When I was a teenager, I had two evil stepbrothers. And I decided to ask them for advice about girls. And they gave me advice. But after I got their advice, I could tell that their advice maybe wasn’t the best. That’s true, I had two evil stepbrothers. They shaped up later on in life. They were a lot older than I was. They used to make me do all the chores around the house. One time I remember there was this special dance and they wouldn’t let me go.
Well, after the failed attempt to get advice from my evil stepbrothers I asked another one of my relatives for advice about girls. And this nice person, hoping to make me feel better, said, "If a girl likes you, she ignores you." Now, I’m not sure that is right. If that was the case, then 100% of the girls in my high school must have been crazy about me.
Some of you may be in the same predicament that I was in and are looking for answers. And I believe the answer is basically that you are trying too hard when you should just be concentrating on being friends with, associating with and dating people of high standards. You don’t care if they are attracted to you or not. Just be your real self, don’t worry about impressing them with your style and eventually, maybe one of those people you have gone out with will, before you know it, turn out to be more than just a friend. But things need to develop naturally. You should never try to make things move more quickly than they naturally should. Trying to make things move too quickly, when real love is not there, can cause all kinds of problems, emotionally and spiritually. There are too many students here whose self-esteems are continually on the line with relationships with the opposite sex, they are continually preoccupied about it, they are continually trying to force relationships that are not really there, and those students just need to learn to be cool. The dating and romance scene is painful enough without making it harder on yourself.
What I did is I eventually met this girl who very soon became my best friend. I married my best friend. My wife and I met as she almost ran me over with her car. The first time she stared into my eyes she saw a look of abject horror. You know, the disturbing thing about the whole episode was that I was on the sidewalk at the time. I have often wondered why that occurred. I have several theories as to why that happened. My first theory is a scientific theory that says that when you are driving, if you see something you find attractive, you steer toward it. That is my first theory as to why she almost ran me over. My second theory is a psychological theory. Psychologists talk a lot about the subconscious mind, you see, and I believe that as she was driving by me she thought subconsciously, "If I can’t have that man, no other woman will." That’s my second theory as to why she almost ran me over.
So you see, I should not have worried so much. The Lord might have sent this girl to almost run over me knowing that I would marry her. We are always fearful about things that probably should not preoccupy us very much. We should never let these fears make our life miserable. You see, sometimes the worry about things happening can be worse than if they actually happen. If you try your best but never find a good companion, you might eventually realize that the panic of never getting married was more miserable than not getting married itself. The scriptures say in the book of Romans that "all things work together for good of those that love God." I have a testimony that God is just and good people we will receive great blessings in this life or the next and all will be made right.
It is good that life is difficult. That’s part of the program. But the Lord will be with us every step of the way. In Psalms 121 we read, "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth."[3]
You are a son or daughter or God. You don’t want things to be easy, you want them to be hard.
There is a line in the Disney movie "Cool Runnings" where the coach is talking about the painful lesson he learned by being caught cheating in the Olympics. He said that he cheated because he just had to be successful. He cheated because he just had to win. He said that, as a result, he learned that if you were not good enough without it, you would never be good enough with it.
There are a lot of things you should never have to have. Having to have things can make you miserable.
If you have to have a 4.0 GPA, you need to be good enough without it.
If you have to be popular, you need to be good enough without it.
If you have to be good-looking, you need to be good enough without it.
If you have to have a lot of money, you need to be good enough without it.
If you have to have romance in your life right now, you need to be good enough without it.
You are a son or daughter of God. You can do without those things.
The famous Chinese philosopher Yang Chu once said: "There are four things which do not allow people to rest: Long Life; Reputation; Rank; Riches. Those who have them, fear ghosts, fear men, power, and punishment. They are always fugitives. Whether they are killed or live, they regulate their lives by externals." We need to be always careful about regulating our lives by the externals of our culture.
The Buddha once said, "Imagine that every person in the world is enlightened except you. They are all your master teachers, each doing just the right things to help you learn perfect patience, perfect wisdom, perfect compassion." This means that:
The people who make fun of you . . . they are your master teachers.
Impolite drivers and tailgaters . . . they are your master teachers
Pushy telephone solicitors . . . they are your master teachers
A difficult family member, . . . he or she is your master teacher
Members of the opposite sex who pay no attention to you . . . they are your master teachers
And, unfortunately, . . . many of your roommates, . . . they are your master teachers.
And now I would like to make a special plea. It is time to start trying to get along a little better with your roommates. The time that you are spending with them will be short and is sacred time. You will never pass this way again. You have got to seize the day and make good, precious memories rather than unpleasant ones. Something you should always remember is that there is an ancient Chinese proverb that says, "A moment of patience can save a hundred days of sorrow."
You see, sometimes we think as long as we have a testimony, that is enough. We can be difficult to get along with and we can hurt people occasionally, but as long as we have a testimony, we think that’s enough. But that’s not enough. We erroneously think it’s okay, as long as we have a testimony.
It would do us well to remember what is said in 1 Corinthians 13: 1-3. The apostle Paul says:
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
In a devotional last summer, the speaker quoted Elder Neil A. Maxwell as saying that developing charity in our lives was probably more important for our salvation than baptism. That is a powerful statement.
Like I just said, having a testimony is great, but it shouldn’t be the only thing. One of the most dangerous things this church can produce is a jerk with a testimony.
Much of our probation here on the earth should be spent lifting people up. When Thomas Edison completed work on the first light bulb, he carefully handed it to a young assistant to carry it up the stairs. The assistant was so nervous about handling that precious invention that he let it slip from his hands and it broke all over the floor. It took several days of work for Edison’s team to produce another one. When the second light bulb was completed, Edison intentionally called the same young assistant over and gave the bulb again to him. This time he did not drop it. This act of kindness on Edison’s part must have had a positive influence on the young man’s life. Edison knew that a person’s self-esteem is much more important than some inconvenience or some material object.
Our relationships are precious. However, sometimes our own insecurities, poor self-concepts and our recognition that we have sinned can get in the way of our precious relationships. These insecurities and feelings that we don’t measure up spiritually can prevent us from becoming the people we want to become and also the people that God wants us to become. There are a lot of members of the church with "unworthiness complexes." They just give up trying to be a true follower of Christ. This should never be because it seems like I learned somewhere that . . .
"Though your sins be as red as scarlet, they shall be made as white as snow; though they be as red as crimson, they shall be as wool."[4]
It seems like I learned that somewhere.
It seems like I heard somewhere the words, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."[5]
It seems like I heard that somewhere.
It seems like I read somewhere, that the Lord said, "For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord."[6]
It seems like I read that somewhere.
But for illogical reasons we think that all of this applies to others and not to us. We forget that the Lord says in the Doctrine and Covenants that what he says to one he says to all. And we all are part of the all.
Truman Madsen once said that church needs to be a safe place. Church is where one should not have to worry about being belittled. Church is a place where young people should not have to concern themselves with being made fun of because of the brands of clothes they wear or what type of scripture covers they have. And BYU-Idaho is an extension of church.
We need to do everything we can to make BYU-Idaho a safe place for all of God’s children who come here. Sometimes we need to stop making people feel that they don’t measure up due to unreasonable expectations that are not basic to the gospel and have nothing really to do with the rules and high standards of this great institution. We need to make sure we build people up and not give out subtle put downs. We need to make sure that, at all times, as President Clark has said, we are on the outside rather than the inside of the Great and Spacious Building. We need to make sure we preserve the precious Spirit of Ricks that is an integral part of the heritage of this great place.
Back in November of 2003, I was attending a professional conference in Philadelphia. Between sessions, I took a walk to revisit some of the places I knew from my childhood. During my walk, I was surprised to witness the completion of the Philadelphia Marathon that was being held that day. I was drawn to the final mile or so of the marathon route where I witnessed thousands and thousands of spectators lined up on both sides of the street loudly cheering every runner that went by. It takes a long time to finish up a marathon. From the time the first place runner finishes to the time the last place runner comes in can be many hours. I spent a little more than an hour observing what was going on during that final mile or so. During that time, I saw thousands of people festively cheering as every runner struggled down the last few blocks gasping for breath. Every runner was made to feel that he or she was a hero, a man or woman of worth, accomplishment, and value. And I am sure that hardly anybody knew anybody. They just cheered unconditionally.
Sometimes I think that we worry too much about questions concerning others that no one should worry about at all, or at the very worst, should only be addressed by their good bishop, stake president or in other sacred situations. You see, as the runners in the marathon were passing by, nobody in the cheering crowd asked if they were worthy enough to be appreciated.
Nobody asked if on their missions they were Assistants to the President.
Nobody inquired if they came from a large family or a small one.
Nobody asked if they bought their clothes at The Gap or at D. I.
Nobody worried if they came from an active family or an inactive one.
Nobody asked if they got their Eagle or their Young Woman’s Medallion.
Nobody posed any questions concerning the political affiliations of their parents.
Nobody inquired if they could have gotten into BYU-Provo or what their ACT was.
Nobody asked if they had been in the popular group in high school.
Nobody asked. . . . Yet the cheering went on and on.
Those people were celebrated for one simple reason. They were celebrated because they are our fellow human beings, our brothers and sisters here on this earth. Like the rest of us, they struggle, they worry, they do good deeds and bad ones. They ponder, plead and pray. And right then as they were finishing the marathon, right then they were successful in at least one thing, at least one very difficult endeavor. At least one success in the midst of their many failures and insecurities. At least one. That’s why they were celebrated. Remember, His yoke is easy and His burden is light. And we need to see that and go, and do likewise. And this is my prayer in Jesus’ name, amen.
Notes
[1] Psalms 23: 4
[2] Revelation 21:4
[3] Psalms 121:1-2
[4] Isaiah 1:18
[5] John 14:27
[6] Isaiah 54:10