Introduction
Sister Gilbert: President Gilbert and I are so excited to welcome you back to BYU-Idaho. We hope each of you had a wonderful Christmas and that your transition this semester is going well.
President Gilbert: We are especially pleased to be speaking together today. And while we don't expect to follow this format for each devotional, this message particularly lends itself to speaking together. We'd like to start today's message by sharing a short video about our family.[1]
Sister Gilbert: The title of our talk is "Happiness in Family Life," and we will draw heavily on "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." We recognize that many students come from difficult family circumstances. So even though we feel deeply about righteous family aspirations, we are neither naïve nor insensitive to the realities faced in many families. As just one example, for the greater part of a decade, President Gilbert and I worked with youth in the Boston area, some of whom came from difficult family environments. During that experience we saw the heartbreak that tears apart families when individuals make poor choices and violate covenants—decisions that impact generations both emotionally and spiritually. But we also saw many of those young men and young women rise above these challenges. Here is a picture of some of those youth who subsequently attended BYU-Idaho, married in the temple, and have gone on to start families of their own.
President Gilbert: Thus, while we recognize the realities that many face, these circumstances only reinforce the conviction of our message. As we speak, we will draw on personal, even sacred experiences in our own family. We have elected to do this with some trepidation: we do not wish to imply that our family has everything figured out, because we don't. But for us to share our message today, we needed to draw on personal experience. We hope you will accept our efforts in the spirit with which they are intended.
A Proclamation to the WorldSister Gilbert: As we prepared for this devotional, it was clear that the Lord was inspiring us in deliberate ways. Since our call to BYU-Idaho, emphasizing the family has been a priority in our ministry with students. Part of this effort comes as President Gilbert and I participate in the Eternal Family course at BYU-Idaho. In this course, students explore each paragraph in the proclamation on the family.
For example, paragraph one presents the proclamation on the family; paragraph two introduces the topic of gender and eternal identity; paragraph three discusses covenants and ordinances tied to marriage; paragraph four covers chastity; paragraph five reminds us of the sanctity of life; paragraph six outlines marital roles; paragraph seven introduces the concept of "happiness in family life;" paragraph eight presents a prophetic warning to those who ignore family responsibilities; and paragraph nine provides a call to responsible citizens everywhere to strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.[2]
President Gilbert: Why such a deliberate statement on the family? Part of the answer must certainly come from the prophetic warning in paragraph eight where we are cautioned "that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."[3] We live in a society of increasingly "fragile families" where childbearing is becoming decoupled from marriage and divorce rates have skyrocketed.[4] Indeed, there is a growing body of social science research that shows the dramatic costs of declining family structure.
For example, children from homes without intact family structures are more likely to suffer economically, psychologically, and socially. This is often manifest in increased physical abuse, substance abuse, and other behavioral risk factors. Moreover, growing up outside of an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children themselves divorce and become unwed parents. Fatherlessness increases the risk of a child's failure in school and decreases the probability that the child will attend college. Tragically, fatherlessness disproportionately affects poorer families and increases the probability of repeated cycles of poverty.[5] As Robert Putnam summarized: "All these changes in family structure have produced a massive, class-biased decline in the number of children raised in two-parent families."[6] Obviously, there are many resilient children who overcome these challenges—our youth from Boston are great examples of this. Yet, while some secular organizations try to ignore the social cost of declining family structure, the empirical evidence continues to mount. I recall a conversation I had with the editorial team at The Atlantic in Washington, D.C., when I worked for the Deseret News. Though some wanted to dismiss our focus on the family as simply a religious nicety, I responded: "Look, you are committed to addressing poverty. Well, if you are serious about poverty, then you better also be serious about fatherlessness because the two are intricately connected." Those conversations eventually led to a five-part series jointly produced by The Atlantic and the Deseret News focused on fatherlessness in American society.
That series opened important discussions about the family in American media, but it is also increasingly clear that marriage and the family are more than a social phenomena. As Elder D. Todd Christofferson has stated: "The social science case for marriage and for families headed by a married man and woman is compelling. ... But our claims for the role of marriage and family rest not on social science but on the truth that they are God's creation."[7]
Happiness in Family Life
Sister Gilbert: Paragraph one of the proclamation reads: "[We] solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."[8] What is so powerful about the nature of a family that makes it central to the Creator's plan? Part of that answer relates to our ability to sacrifice and serve others.
One of our dear friends served as a missionary years ago in the France Bordeaux Mission under Elder Neil L. Andersen. In our friend's first interview with his mission president, the young missionary spoke thoroughly about his investigators, the number of lessons taught, and the general progress in his area. After a rather one-sided interview, the mission president eventually asked: "How is your companion?" After a pause, the mission president continued: "I've been visiting with him all morning about whether he would stay on his mission." Despite all of his focus on missionary work, our friend had completely missed the struggles of his companion. Elder Andersen was teaching this young missionary a truth that is true in missions and in marriages: never forget the spiritual progress of your companion.
In fact, happiness in marriage comes when we are attuned to the needs of our companion and serve our spouse in Christ-like ways. Paragraph seven of the proclamation states: "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ."[9]
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland applied the concept of Christ-like love to marriage using Moroni's verses on charity.[10]
"And charity suffereth long." In a marriage, we do not always find immediate rewards or solutions to challenges. Loving spouses suffer long for each other and for their family."
"[A]nd is kind." There is no one you should treat with more care and kindness than your spouse."
"[A]nd envieth not." There is no room for jealousy in a marriage."
"[Charity] is not puffed up." Any sense of self-importance in a marriage is destructive."
"[Charity] seeketh not her own." When we love a spouse, we seek his or her interests and needs first, before our own."
"[Charity] is not easily provoked." We see so many instances in marriages where spouses are looking to be offended when no slight was ever intended."
"[Charity] thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth." Elder Holland references Shakespeare's Othello who listened to the whisperings of Iago when he should have been seeing the purity and sincerity of his true love in Desdemona."
Finally, "[Charity] beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."[11]
Again, let us re-emphasize that "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ."[12]
Divine Complementarity and the Role of Mothers
President Gilbert: Now, love in marriage comes with different complementarities and different gifts from each spouse. President Henry B. Eyring described this divine complementarity at a conference in the Vatican on marriage and the family. Let's listen to his description of how marriage changed who he was.[13] We hope you noticed how President and Sister Eyring became something more together in their marriage. If we think carefully about this divine complementarity, I think we begin to understand part of the answer to our earlier question as to why "the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of his children."[14] As Elder David A. Bednar has taught, "The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation."[15] I love being married to Christine Gilbert. I am a different person today because of our marriage more than 20 years ago. Marriage changes us into who the Lord wants us to become.
Sister Gilbert: Note that these complementarities come with distinctive spiritual responsibilities between husband and wife. In paragraph seven of the proclamation, we read:
By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.[16]
Let us first speak to the role of mothers. As Sister Julie B. Beck has stated: "The responsibility mothers have today has never required more vigilance. More than at any time in the history of the world, we need mothers who know."[17]
President Gilbert: I watched this play out as a first-year professor at the Harvard Business School. A controversial article had surfaced about the role of women in the workplace. My teaching group leader said to me: "Clark, do not address this topic if it surfaces. You are a first-year professor and a Mormon. It will blow up no matter what you say." Following his counsel, I had managed to generally avoid the subject until a young student from France, who I will call Claire, came to my office and asked: "Professor Gilbert, my husband and I are considering having a baby. What is your advice?" Given my earlier counsel, I responded that the decision was a personal choice between the student and her husband. But she quickly retorted: "No! That's not good enough. You are my only professor who talks about values. I want to know what you have to say." I responded carefully: "Claire, you are so talented and have wonderful opportunities ahead of you. But for both of us, no one will care in 25 years whether we went to the Harvard Business School, but rather whether we made a difference in the lives of our families." She immediately responded, "I knew it!" Claire and her husband had a baby the next fall. I've reflected on that exchange many times. What became clear was that everywhere Claire looked—her peers, her work, and the world around her—the role of motherhood was devalued. In some ways I believe the reason she reached out to me was because I could validate an answer she already knew in her heart.
Elder Quentin L. Cook described some of the challenges sisters face regarding motherhood:
These are very emotional, personal decisions, but there are two principles that we should always keep in mind. First, no woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven's plan. Second, we should all be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people's circumstances. Husbands and wives should prayerfully counsel together, understanding they are accountable to God for their decisions.[18]
We have already addressed Elder Cook's first principle about the dedicated role of mothers. The second principle is more nuanced, particularly in a university environment. Occasionally, Sister Gilbert and I receive a question asking about a particular major and whether it will benefit a student in her role as a mother. First, we commend all of our female students. One of the best predictors of a child receiving a college education is the education of his or her mother.[19] Additionally, we hope all of our female students will recognize that they are likely to have significant periods of time in their single and married lives where they will provide financially. In all of this, we invite you to pray and ask God for direction in your decision. And to our friend who asked us whether she should major in engineering, we say "carry on" if that is where you find passion academically. But at the same time, never let your future career (or anything else) deceive you about your divine role as a mother. Use your education to develop yourself as a leader in your home, the Church, and your community.
Sister Gilbert: President Russell M. Nelson recently shared this quote from President Boyd K. Packer:
We need women who are organized and women who can organize. We need women with executive ability who can plan and direct and administer; women who can teach, women who can speak out. ...
We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.[20]
Divine Complementarity and the Role of Fathers
The proclamation also reminds both women and men about their responsibility to support each other:
"In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."[21] While I have the primary role for nurturing our children in our home, I want you to know that President Gilbert also loves and nurtures our children. I am grateful for a husband who teaches in our home and who helps with everything from homework to changing diapers. Here is a picture of President Gilbert reading to three of our girls as he arrived home from work.
He hadn't even changed out of his suit, but he could tell the children needed some fatherly attention right then. As we turn our attention to the role of fathers, let us caution that while society's attacks on mothers are significant, the attacks on fathers are no less real. The world frequently paints men as dumb, lazy, and unneeded. In fact, media studies show a pattern where fathers are portrayed on television as unengaged and ineffectual.[22]
We'd like to share with you a story of a young man who has truly risen above life's challenges to become a righteous father and husband. This is a picture of Jonathan and his oldest son.
As a high school student, Jonathan did not have a strong academic background and school did not come easily. Moreover, he was not taught patterns of priesthood leadership in his home. Yet, Jonathan made a series of early decisions that have changed his life and that of his future family's. Jonathan came to BYU-Idaho. He served a mission in Brazil before returning to graduate from BYU-Idaho and marry in the temple. He subsequently graduated from a prominent master's program in digital media and is now a director at a major technology company. More importantly, Jonathan is now the father of two young boys and is learning firsthand how to become a righteous father in Zion. It turns out that dads matter a great deal.[23] So, to all of our future fathers: know your family is counting on you.
Patterns of Righteousness Parenting
President Gilbert: We conclude with several family patterns that have blessed our home—patterns of teaching, ministering, and finding joy. One of the more sacred roles each of you will have as a parent is that of a teacher. Ironically, most teaching opportunities will be in less formal settings. One of the best times for us to teach is at the dinner table. Another powerful setting is what we call "transition moments" when a child first re-enters the home. These opportunities happen right after school or at the end of a night out. Another teaching setting for parents is in nightly scripture reading. One of the great joys of my life can be captured in this image:
The Gilbert nightly scripture reading draws on a pattern we learned from dear friends. Our children gather but read on their own wherever they are in their individual scripture study. Then after a period of quiet reading as a family, each individual shares an insight. From my journal:
I love family scripture reading: so powerful to see each of our children study and then share from the scriptures. It's like the BYU-Idaho Learning Model in action in our home! They have a remarkable and expanding capacity. I saw that again this evening as I watched John study so intently and Paige share her thoughts so earnestly. We have great children with strong patterns developing in each of their lives.
Sister Gilbert: Another pattern we have tried to develop in our home is the effort to minister to the one. There are eight Gilbert children and each has different needs, which means we need to find ways to minister to each of them individually.
One of the things I love about my husband is that he never walks in the door with his cell phone on. When President Gilbert comes home, he is ready to focus on our family and he approaches each child individually. Another pattern I have tried to follow is to keep a parenting journal about each of our children. We have tried to find other ways of ministering to our children individually. These include father's interviews, daddy-daughter dates, and investing in key interests of each child.
President Gilbert: The last pattern we would share with you is finding joy. You don't have to be perfect as a parent. You simply have to do your best and ask the Lord to make up the difference. Sister Gilbert and I make mistakes as parents, but through it all we try to find joy in the process. It is also important that your children know you love being their parent. When I'm driving with one of our children, I love to say, "Do you know how awesome it is to be your dad?" I then share one or two things I love about being their father. As a parent, make sure to find joy in the process and share that joy with your family.
Sister Gilbert: In closing, we add our witness that the family is indeed "central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."[24] Happiness in family life is found when we live and apply the teachings of Jesus Christ.
President Gilbert: There is a divine complementarity between husband and wife in marriage and in raising a family. Finally, there are patterns in a family that help us teach, minister, and find joy. May we remain firm in our commitment to the family, we so testify, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes
[1] "Meet the Gilberts," BYU-Idaho video, Oct. 4, 2015
[2] "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," Ensign, Nov. 2010, 129
[3] Ibid
[4] Sara McLanahan, Irwin Garfinkel, Ronald B. Mincy, and Elisabeth Donahue, "Fragile Families: Introducing the Issue," The Future of Children 20.2 (2010): 3-16
[5] W. Bradford Wilcox et al., Why Marriage Matters: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences, 3rd Edition (Institute for American Values and National Marriage Project, 2011), 3-4
[6] Robert D. Putnam, Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis, (New York: Simon and Schuster, 2015), 69
[7] D. Todd Christofferson, "Why Marriage, Why Family," Ensign, May 2015
[8] "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," Ensign, Nov. 2010, 129
[9] Ibid
[10] Jeffrey R. Holland, "How Do I Love Thee?" BYU devotional, Feb. 15, 2000
[11] Moroni 7:45
[12] "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," Ensign, Nov. 2010, 129
[13] Henry B. Eyring, "To Become as One," Address at Humanum: An International Interreligious Colloquium on the Complementarity of Man and Woman, Nov. 18, 2014
[14] "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," Ensign, Nov. 2010, 129
[15] David A. Bednar, Excerpt from "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan," Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting: Supporting the Family,"Ensign, June 2006
[16] "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," Ensign, Nov. 2010, 129
[17] Julie B. Beck, "Mothers Who Know," Ensign, Nov. 2007
[18] Quentin L. Cook, "LDS Women Are Incredible!" Ensign, May 2011
[19] Donald J. Hernandez and Jeffrey S. Napierala, "Mother's Education and Children's Outcomes: How Dual-Generation Programs Offer Increased Opportunities for America's Families," Disparities Among America's Children, No. 2 (Foundation for Child Development, July 2014)
[20] Russell M. Nelson, "A Plea to My Sisters," Ensign, Nov. 2015, quoted from Boyd K. Packer, "The Relief Society," Ensign, Nov. 1978, 8
[21] "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," Ensign, Nov. 2010, 129
[22] Sarah Petersen, "Dumbing down Dad: How media present husbands, fathers as useless," Deseret News, Feb. 27, 2013
[23] Jenet Jacob Erickson's discussion on this topic: "What the research shows about why dads matter," Deseret News, Oct. 21, 2012; Matthew Brown's discussion regarding the impact of engaged fathers on religious persistence in families: "Faith in the family: How belief passes from one generation to the next," Deseret News, Dec. 26, 2013
[24] "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," Ensign, Nov. 2010, 129