I am so excited to speak to you today! Afterwards, I'm having a gigantic chocolate milkshake, maybe even two.
Brothers and sisters, I am excited and grateful to spend this time with you and I have prayed that the Holy Ghost will attend us, that we may each learn together.
As you know, the early members of the Lord's restored church suffered great persecution and hardships. The Lord offered His words of strength and encouragement, telling them, "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many, but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."[1] "I am with thee." That loving and poignant phrase has carried me through trials and sorrows. It brings about a marvelous visual experience for me. I see the Lord's hand outstretched, reaching my reaching. I grab his hand and hold on tight. He lifts and carries me. He listens, counsels. His words strengthen me. He offers tender reassurance that He will never leave my side.
This is more than a visualization. Elder David A. Bednar explains it as the enabling and strengthening power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It gives us the power to do more than what we could, if left to our own abilities and strength.[2] This enabling power has been a tremendous blessing for me. Please let me share.
Mom and Dad were thrilled when I was born. I was their only child and they had waited for seven years. When excited well-wishers came to the house to see the new baby, Mom held me up to the window inside the house and the onlookers viewed me from the front yard outside the house. No one was allowed into our home to welcome me and to hold me.
As I grew, we visited my grandmother often. She lived close by. I loved playing with cousins there. They could take their shoes and socks off and play in the grass and dirt. I could play, but only if my shoes remained on. My Mother insisted that my bare feet could not touch the ground. Alarmed with the flies at Grandma's house, Mom would shout at me "Don't let those flies touch you!" She was frightened by what their tiny feet might carry. She didn't like me touching door knobs or anything else others had touched. When it was time to leave, Mom would scrub my fingernails with a scrubbing brush until they would bleed. Mom initiated strict rules and I obeyed or I was beaten. I noticed as young as three years old that Mother acted differently than others. I didn't know why, but in my adulthood, her condition finally had a name and some of my questions were answered.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, also known as OCD, is an anxiety disorder, a chemical imbalance of the brain. This mental illness consists of obsessions which are intrusive, unwanted thoughts that produce uneasiness, fear or worry. With OCD, the brain sends emergency thoughts when there is no emergency. The compulsions are repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the anxiety of the unwanted thoughts. So rituals and routines are performed. Individuals with OCD are aware that their thoughts and behavior are not rational, but they feel bound to comply with them to fend off feelings of panic, dread or doom.[3]
Mother developed OCD before I was born. She had an intense fear of germs and performed cleaning rituals to eliminate the fear. She viewed herself as germ-free. Everything and everyone else was contaminated. Mother's family knew something was wrong, but didn't know how to help her. In those days, OCD did not have a name or any kind of treatment. Thank goodness, today there are medications and behavior therapies to assist.[4]
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland teaches us, "These afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor ... Though we may feel we are "like a broken vessel," as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."[5] We did not have this information or reassurance then and Mom received no relief.
My dad was a fulltime National Guardsman. When he received a promotion, we moved from Driggs, Idaho to Idaho Falls and bought a new house. Dad focused his spare time on finishing our downstairs. I hoped the new home would help my mom change from her old ways. It didn't and life only got worse. Dad was tired of her compulsive behavior. He soon divorced Mom and moved out.
I thought my life had ended. I was seven years old and Mom had full custody. It was just Mom and me. She began working full time. Dad remarried and resided within our city. Mom's anxiety increased and so did her OCD. She scrubbed things at work, but most cleaning routines were performed within our home and yard.
Mom moved me to the downstairs bedroom, while my toys and most of my clothes remained with her. I was never allowed again onto the main floor of the house. I lived in the basement for the next nine years. Restrained by Mom's fears, I had no say or control. I was frightened and heartbroken in that dimly-lit basement.
Our house was connected to a one-car garage. I could enter my house only once a day by following a well-established pattern. I disrobed in the garage and Mom carried me down stairs to newspaper that I stood on while she scrubbed the stairs and stairway. When I was too big to carry, Mom allowed me to walk downstairs. After the stairs were cleaned, I could walk from the newspaper to the bathroom, bathe and dress following a certain routine. In my bedroom, I could touch only my light switch and two drawers of my dresser. In my double-sized bed, I could only touch the left-hand side. I didn't understand these rules, but I obeyed.
After Mom finished her rituals downstairs, she would climb to the top of the stairs and shout to me, "Turn off your light." I hated turning off my light! It was very dark. I worried about monsters finding me and I'd hide my head under the covers. I knew if I needed help, Mom would not respond. There was no interaction allowed until morning when Mom would choose my clothes and bring them downstairs with breakfast.
I questioned myself ... if I tried harder, if I were cleaner, if I were nicer, would Mom allow me to live on the main floor with her? I desperately wanted her to change. We never talked about it. Only occasionally did I dare ask her "to please change." She would quickly answer, "I will change tomorrow." The next day she'd be the same or worse. I was helpless, hopeless, and all alone.
Elder Neal A. Maxwell stated, "There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point that is reached—a point of aloneness—when the individual (as did the Savior on a much grander scale) must bear it ... alone. Even the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are in some way forsaken. Those who ... stand on the foot of the cross often can do so little to help absorb the pain and the anguish. It is something we must bear ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."[6] Please note: This was a time when there were no child-protection laws. Today, child abuse can and should be reported! Resources are available and it is our responsibility to see that all children are protected.
The Lord provided me with good people along my path. A kind neighbor friend introduced me to Primary. I began attending with her. It was a happy setting and I looked forward to it every week! My Primary teacher taught me about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and that they loved me. That was survival information! It felt good, it sounded right and it provided much needed comfort. I'm grateful for that Primary teacher who week after week bore testimony of gospel truths. She didn't know I felt unloved and disvalued. She didn't know that Mom could not hug me because of my germs. She didn't know the vital impact of her words, but the Lord knew. He was there. He reminds us "[I] knoweth all things, for all things are present before mine eyes;"[7] He knows our hardships. He knows our pain.
Also, in Primary I learned of prayer. "Pray always, and I will pour out my Spirit upon you, and great shall be your blessing."[8] I began talking with Heavenly Father and sharing my fears. I asked him to save me from the basement monsters and later with maturity, I pleaded that I could escape Mom's compulsive behavior and demands. I felt the Lord near and I held on tightly to His hand. I had hope! I kept praying and waiting, praying and waiting.
Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote, "No pain that we suffer ... is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of ... patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer ..., especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God ... and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we {came} here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven."[9] I was fearful of Mom and knew I could tell no one about my home life. I knew I'd be punished if I told the "secret." I believe dysfunctional families have unwritten rules designed by the adversary. One of which is the family "secret" cannot be told. Satan wants us to feel embarrassed, shameful, defective by any kind of dysfunction or sin. He will not comfort or uplift us. He covers us with his dark cloak of deceit to hide us from truth and the Savior's healing power. Then he leaves us in despair. "And thus we see that the devil will not support his children at the last day, but doth speedily drag them down to hell."[10] The Lord will never leave us in our sorrows. We can trust Him and His Priesthood leaders with our honesty and openness. Through the power of His loving atonement, He will reach out with His omnipotent hand and lift us to higher ground.
Elder Richard G. Scott testifies, "The atonement will not only help us overcome our transgressions and mistakes, but in His time, it will resolve all inequities of life - those things that are unfair which are the consequences of circumstance or others' acts and not our own decisions."[11] The Lord reminds us to "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."[12] The Lord knows how to bless us because He has lived our tribulations and sorrow, even before we experienced them.
Alma teaches us "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people; and he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; And he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people."[13] When school was out, Mom arranged for others to watch me at their homes while she worked. If no one was available, I would be left at my home, locked out of the house, as Mom left for work. I never had a key to open the door and the house was always locked. During the summer, Mom would bring me a sandwich on her lunch hour and I could drink from the garden hose. My bathroom was an empty tin can in the garage or a fast bike ride to the gas station. Reading Nancy Drew books, listening to my transistor radio, weeding the marigolds, watering the lawn occupied some of my time. The best times were spent riding my speedy, blue bike with friends. I have many fun memories!
My mother dated frequently and I'd stay the night with friends. A few families were active in the Church and one in particular demonstrated righteous patterns that I grew to love. For instance, every morning before breakfast was served, they knelt around their kitchen table for prayer. I cherished those moments and the spirit of family unity. Each time I bowed my head in that setting, I noticed the round braided rug we knelt on under their round wooden table. I remember that clearly and the feeling of hope I had for a future time with an eternal family that could kneel in prayer together. Was it possible? I know now that survivors of dysfunction can reverse the trend and start new patterns that follow the Savior. We are not stuck where we started.
In the garage with doors closed, I liked singing Primary songs. The lyrics would echo off the walls. It seemed extra voices sang with me. "I need my Heavenly Father to help me every day. He wants me to be happy and choose the righteous way. He wants me to be happy and choose the righteous way."[14] Those songs helped me then and in the years ahead. Often a musical phrase would circle in my head and remind me of who I was and what I could become.
I remember a Beehive class that left a lasting impression. The topic was temple marriage. The teacher taught enthusiastically and was full of the Spirit. I left that class knowing there was only one way to marry and that's what I wanted. I held on to the Lord's hand.
I echo the words of Ammon, "I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things;"[15]
I received the Lord's guidance and strength in many ways; from the class room to the pulpit, from General Conference addresses to scripture passages, from multiple prayers to examples of great and caring people.
The summer I turned 16, I moved in with an aunt in Driggs who needed a live-in babysitter. Mom agreed and I lived with my aunt until my high school graduation. It was the long-awaited answer to prayers! My aunt welcomed me with love. I learned life lessons there; how to choose my own clothes, how to make cookies, how to interact with family, how to welcome friends as they came to visit and how to enjoy life. I even learned how to walk barefoot in the grass and dirt. Sometimes I made foolish decisions, but soon realized it was much easier holding on to what I knew was right. The Lord tells us "I, the Lord, am merciful and gracious unto those who fear me, and delight to honor those who serve me in righteousness and in truth unto the end."[16]
My grades earned me a scholarship to Ricks College. I lived with a long-time friend and her brother returned from his mission. And believe me, I noticed him from the start! He's a people person, service oriented, witty, fun, and faithful. I saw how he treated his sweet mother and loving sisters with kindness and respect. That won him extra points! I watched how his family functioned. I knew that his five brothers had or would be serving missions and the gospel was important to their family. More points! I determined early on that I wanted him and his family. Later we married in the Ogden Temple and I got both!
Vance is my best friend and has offered me great support on my path of healing. We have raised three beautiful daughters who are in turn raising righteous families. They are our greatest accomplishment and we have been blessed with a dozen incredible grandchildren who bring us great joy!
I have that home I hoped for as a child. I don't have the braided rug or round table, but I do have a home where family prayers are said and love and faith reside. Do we have challenges? Yes, everyday! We know the Lord may not remove all our trials, but we have faith that through His enabling power, we'll have strength to endure.
Soon after I left the basement, Mom left Idaho Falls. She transferred from her position at the Post Register to the Idaho Statesman in Boise. I'm happy to report that both my parents, inactive most of their lives, received their temple endowments within their lifetime. In Mom's later years, she suffered a stroke, became immobile and required full-time care. We moved her to eastern Idaho and we insisted that she receive psychological treatment. She reluctantly agreed to medication. We worked closely with her and her caregivers to meet her needs. I was able to have loving exchanges with Mom before her death. I'm grateful for the blessing of the resurrection and I'm waiting in awe to meet her someday with a clear, healthy mind.
In my journey of healing, I have received prayers, Priesthood blessings, lots of love, and professional counseling. All of these have contributed to my wellbeing. My most essential resource has been my relationship with the Savior. He has not forsaken me. He is truly the Master Healer!
We are taught well by Alma's story recorded in Mosiah 24. He and his people were persecuted and abused by the Lamanites and the wicked priest, Amulon. The Lord came to Alma's people in their afflictions, saying, "Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, ... And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs ... and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."[17] The burdens that were upon Alma and his brethren were made light. They submitted cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. They were strengthened and blessed through the enabling power of the Atonement.[18]
As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we agreed at baptism to stand strong "as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places."[19] To bear witness is to testify by the power of the Holy Ghost and make a solemn declaration of truth based on personal knowledge or belief.[20] The Lord encourages us, saying, "...With all your soul ...you shall...open your mouth in my cause, not fearing what man can do, for I am with you."[21] Sister Susan W. Tanner further explains that we also stand as witnesses of God by nurturing a spirit of faith, love, and peace, and by expressing gratitude and radiating joy.[22] The Savior suffered greatly for us. In his earthly ministry, we were not there to stand as a witness of Him. He was rejected and persecuted. We were not there. In Gethsemane, He suffered alone. We were not there. On Calvary's cross, He was mocked and crucified. We were not there to stand for him. Yet in our afflictions, He responds to us by saying, "I am with thee." Shouldn't we each reply, today and every day, with a resounding, "Dear Lord, I am also with thee and will stand as thy witness."
Brothers and sisters, I am standing here today as a witness that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, does visit and strengthen his people in their afflictions and in their victories and everything in between. I know He lives and His Atonement is real.
May we each take hold of the Lord's hand and stand strong as His witness. I know He will help us to "be patient in [our] afflictions, for [we] shalt have many, but [we can] endure them, for, lo, [He] is with [us], even unto the end of [our] days."[23] No matter our trial or circumstance, we can hold on and stand strong!
Notes
[1] D&C 24:8
[2] David A. Bednar, "In the Strength of the Lord", General Conference 2004, 10
[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive–compulsive_disorder
[4] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive–compulsive_disorder
[5] Jeffrey R. Holland, "Like a Broken Vessel", General Conference 2013, 10
[6] Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 1979, 43
[7] D&C 38:2
[8] D&C 19:38
[9] Orson F. Whitney, in Spencer W Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, 1972, 98
[10] Alma 30:60
[11] Richard G. Scott, "Jesus Christ, Our Redeemer," Ensign, May 1997, 43
[12] Isaiah 41:10
[13] Alma 7:11-12
[14] "I Need My Heavenly Father," Children's Songbook, 18
[15] Alma 26:11-12
[16] D&C 76:5
[17] Mosiah 24:13-14
[18] David A. Bednar, "In the Strength of the Lord" BYU speeches, 23 Oct 2001
[19] Mosiah 18:9
[20] lds.org topical guide: Testify
[21] D&C 30:11
[22] Susan W. Tanner, "Stand as a Witness," General Conference 2008, 4
[23] D&C 24:8