Friendship, Courtship, Physical Relationship

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"Friendship, Courtship, Physical Relationship"

Susan W. Tanner

November 18, 2003

 

Several years ago I attended a regional conference of combined BYU stakes. President Faust was one of the speakers. His wife, Ruth, was accompanying him, so he brought her to the pulpit by his side as he began. He told how she was the love of his life and how he had to work at winning her over. Then he said, “Our first kiss was at the marriage altar – but we’ve been making up for it ever since.” I got several great messages from that little scenario. One of them was that President Faust knew his audience. He piqued everyone’s interest by talking about a subject that is never far from college students’ minds. I decided I should also try to speak about a subject that is endlessly fascinating for young adults, and really for all of us – courtship and marriage. But I can’t really do this without talking about the foundational virtue of both of these, which is friendship. So today I want to share some gospel perspectives on three “ships”: friend-ship, court-ship, and physical relation-ship.

Today I would like to make three points about these “ships.” First, friendship is a gospel principle; it is not only nice but necessary to our emotional and spiritual well-being. Second, friendship is the foundation upon which courtship and marriage should be built and can thrive. And third, a physical relationship before marriage can preclude the building of a strong friendship foundation, but can enhance that friendship after marriage.

FRIENDSHIP

Friendship is a gospel principle. In fact, Joseph Smith said that

 

Friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of ‘Mormonism’...It is a time-honored adage that love begets love. Let us pour forth love–show forth our kindness unto all mankind, and the Lord will reward us with everlasting increase...Friendship is like Brother Turley in his blacksmith shop welding iron to iron; it unites the human family with its happy influence (HC 5:517).

I love the Prophet’s image of Brother Turley in his blacksmith shop. Like Brother Turley, friendship welds hearts together with bonds of love and affection.

How important is friendship to you? How does it bless your life? Have you ever felt friendless? I remember in my teen years sometimes throwing myself on my bed and sobbing, “nobody likes me, everybody hates me; I’m going out and eat worms.” It’s miserable to feel lonely and without friends. Friendship is necessary to our well-being – not just nice but necessary. We all hunger for it; it’s a universal need.

This was brought home to me by one of my Young Women General Board members who took some personal trips this past summer. In her travels, she visited with young women in Brazil, Mongolia, Moscow, St. Petersburg, and Idaho. In each place, she asked them questions about their lives and compiled their answers. Here are the questions she asked, along with the most frequent response she received to each question:

 

Question: What makes you happy? Answer: Friends.

What are your greatest worries? Friends.

What do you like to do in you free time? Be with friends.

What do you spend most of your time thinking about? Friends.

What do you like about Young Women? Being with friends.

What do you like about Church? Seeing my friends.

Why don’t young women come to Mutual? No friends.

Why do the young women go inactive? Pressure of friends.

Isn’t that amazing! Friends are of paramount importance for young women all over the world. And I’m sure that young men would give similar answers. So, too, would many adults. We all need friends.

A statement by the British writer Francis Bacon helps explain why. Bacon wisely said: “Good friends multiply joys and divide griefs.” This truth certainly resonates in my soul and is confirmed by my own experience. Friends have made my good days even sweeter and my bad days more bearable.

Modern prophets and ancient scriptures also speak of the importance of friendship. They teach that it is a holy influence, a heavenly gift. I have already mentioned how Joseph Smith felt about friendship: how he described it as a fundamental principle of the gospel, a sacred weld that binds the human family together. The Prophet was a wonderful example of what he preached. Joseph was made for friendship. By nature he was generous and loving, with a heart as wide as eternity. He loved all people, and especially his people.

Joseph explained that, as Latter-day Saints, we are bound in love by our baptism not only with God but with others. He taught that a special love can exist among Latter-day Saints who share common covenants and commitments. This does not mean we exclude those not of our faith. In fact, our covenants allow us to even better be able to reach out to others. The Prophet said,

 

There is a love from God that should be exercised toward those of our faith, who walk uprightly, which is peculiar to itself, but it is without prejudice; it also gives scope to the mind, which enables us to conduct ourselves with greater liberality towards all that are not of our faith... (HC 3:304).

Likewise President George Albert Smith lived his whole life by a personal creed that mostly dealt with how he interacted with other people. He both advocated and practiced such mottos as this:

 

• I would be a friend to the friendless and find joy in ministering to the needs of the poor.
• I would not knowingly wound the feelings of any, not even one who may have wronged me but would seek to do him good and make him my friend.

 

In a similar vein, President Gordon B. Hinckley will long be remembered for what he has taught about the importance of friends. In order to continue faithful in the kingdom each person needs a friend, a responsibility, and nurturing with the good word of God.

Each of these modern prophets has taught that friendship is an integral part of keeping the covenants we have made.

Likewise, ancient prophets taught the value of covenant friendship. Consider the example of the people of Alma who fled from wicked King Noah to the waters of Mormon. There, they expressed their desire to come into the fold of God. Alma asked them if they were willing to bear one another’s burdens, to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. That is, he asked them if they were willing to covenant to act as friends. They clapped their hands for joy to enter into such a covenant. And their hearts were knit together in unity and love. This is a great scriptural example of covenant friendship. (Mosiah 18)

Finally, as always, we can look to Jesus Christ for the greatest example of friendship. “Friend” was the highest compliment he could pay his disciples. He said,

 

This is my commandment, that ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends....I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth; but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you (John 15:12-15).

If friendship is of such paramount importance in the teachings of our prophets and our Savior, shouldn’t we be striving to be great, covenant-keeping friends? To be such a friend is Christ-like; to have such friends is heavenly. As Latter-day Saints, we know that exaltation involves the privilege of spending eternity with our true friend, the Savior, and others who have become like him. The scriptures give us this glorious promise: “And that same sociality which exists among us here shall exist among us there, only coupled with the eternal glory...” (Doctrine and Covenants 130:2). Our goal should be to spend eternity enjoying the sociality of Christ and Christ-like others.

COURTSHIP

This brings me to my second “ship”: Courtship. Friendship should play a key role in courtship and marriage. I see friendship as the foundation in the courtship pyramid. Two little stories will help to illustrate this point.

After we were married I heard my husband say quite frequently in teaching settings that he didn’t marry me for my looks. Finally one day I told him that this did not really sound like a compliment. He was genuinely surprised because he had meant it to be high praise. He wanted people to know that what he valued most about me was who I was intrinsically. He was trying to say that our love was not based on superficial looks but on genuine friendship. I understood, but I wasn’t sure that others did. So he has since started saying, “I didn’t marry Susan for her looks alone.”

The other is the story of Isaac and Rebecca. This is not the Biblical account however. It is about our daughter Rebecca and her suitor Isaac. Our Rebecca was not persuaded to marry her Isaac nearly as easily as was the Old Testament Rebekah. Nor was she readily willing to give up her lifestyle and immediately leave her family to be part of another’s life. Our Becky was 21. She had signed up to do a summer internship through BYU in Mozambique (much to her parents’ dismay, because it was a time of flooding, disease, and great unrest in that country). She wasn’t sure if she should serve a mission, but she had at least started the paperwork by getting dental and doctor appointments. She was also thinking about applying for a master’s program in her field. In short she was trying to decide what to do with the next phase of her life. We all wondered which would win out of the 3 M’s – Mozambique, mission, or masters. Meanwhile Isaac came along in her pursuit and soon offered a choice of a fourth M - marriage. He was headed for medical school in a few months and he did not want to go without Becky. He later told us that he had his own 3 M’s that he hoped she would choose – marriage to me, medical school, and eventually motherhood. “If she didn’t,” he said, “I knew I would be the fourth M - miserable.”

Becky was a woman of the 21^st Century. The world and its many glamorous opportunities were available to her and it was hard for her to relinquish some of her dreams. What finally won her over was Isaac’s intrinsic goodness and his kindness to her. He did the romantic things too, like sending beautiful bouquets of flowers, taking her on nice dates, and so on. But those things would not have won her over on their own. What was most winning to her was how he continually put her feelings and her needs above his own. He did little thoughtful things, the kinds of things that one friend would do for another. For example, when he learned that her watch was too big for her wrist, he actually made his own little tool so he could remove a couple of links from it and make it perfect for her. Another time she found her little old car spotless and sparkling inside and out because he washed it, a deed unsolicited by her. Another time, she found a little list he had made of ways to improve himself; many of his goals were service-oriented. Becky realized that he had the qualities that would endure through good and bad times, the very qualities she would seek out in a good friend. So she did marry Isaac. And now she reflects that she was right about his great strengths being a wonderful asset to their relationship. She feels she is married to her best friend. And this is what marriage should be.

The poet John Milton taught this principle in his great epic poem on the Fall, Paradise Lost. One of the things that Adam loves most about Eve in the poem is:

 

Those thousand decencies that daily flow

From all her words and actions mixt with Love

And sweet compliance, which declare unfeign’d

Union of Mind, or in us both one Soul;

For Milton the most important quality in marriage is companionship. In marriage there should be a union of the mind and soul, not just the body. Becky was also attracted to Isaac for his thousand daily decencies. These kindnesses promised an enduring friendship; they expressed qualities of character that would last even when physical beauties eventually fade.

Friendship, then, should form the foundation of romantic love–the love that leads to courtship and marriage. Likewise, both friendship and romantic love can only become what God intends them to be when they are founded on charity, the “pure love of Christ.” As we learn in Moroni and Corinthians, charity is patient, long-suffering, kind, free from envy, and unselfish. Charity leads lovers to rejoice in truth, to believe, to hope, and to endure. Couples whose love is based on charity want the best for each other. Their love is infused with the pure love of Christ. These are the qualities we should seek for in courtship and marriage. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland has taught the need to base romance in charity. He said,

 

Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity. Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness New Era, Oct. 2003, p. 8).

I, like you, see many examples around me of marriages that are built upon these foundational qualities.

My own parents’ marriage is grounded in charity. They always build each other up. The only words I hear them say or have ever heard them say about one another are positive. They are currently serving in the Nauvoo temple. These are the kinds of things they say to me when I call them. “You should have seen how compassionate Dad was with our tired temple workers. He loves them and leads them in a Christlike manner.” Or “Mom always has the right messages; she inspires our missionaries in everything she says and does.” My parents have a wonderful marriage. I have seen it working inside and out through the years.

One of the truths my mom taught me is that such a marriage does not just automatically happen. She told me it takes work, that you can never let a single day go by without nourishing your marriage relationship. This is what Mormon taught. He said that we should “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love” (Moroni 7:48). This love, which is a gift that we must earnestly seek and strive to develop can be a powerful building block in our relationships.

On the other hand, I’ve seen people who let things slip, who belittle each other, who are critical and unkind. I really believe that others improve their behavior more readily when they are praised than if they are constantly critiqued. One woman affirmed this idea. She wrote:

 

One evening I was frustrated with my husband and wanted to let him know how I felt. . . I began writing down my feelings in a letter to him in the hope that he would . . . begin working on his shortcomings.

 

I wrote and wrote and wrote. Putting my thoughts on paper made me feel better, so I closed my epistle with, ‘You really have many fine attributes that I value, but I kept this letter focused on what concerns me tonight.’ At that moment, the thought came to me, Why don’t you write him a letter listing only his good qualities that you love so much?

 

I found myself thinking, That’s a good idea. So I temporarily set aside the first letter and began writing again. . . . After I wrote many pages, my appreciation for him grew, and I was filled with love. So I threw away my first letter and gave him only the second, positive one.

 

What a blessing that letter has been for us both. My husband appreciated having his good points recognized, and his interest was kindled in doing even more things better. And I have been motivated to be less critical of him and more mindful of correcting my own shortcomings. I am forever grateful for the inspiration that taught me how to see a loving alternative rather than to vent my frustration in a nonconstructive way. (Kathleen Bikker, Ensign, March, 1997)

One of the ways to develop a strong, loving relationship is with sound communication. Communication is the way a good relationship begins and also endures. My unmarried children ask me quite constantly how it is that anyone ever gets together. It seems like such a mysterious puzzle. I know that everyone’s falling-in-love story is different. But there seems to be at least one commonality among most stories. This is a spontaneity in conversation. So many couples try to explain why they were attracted to each other. They say things like, “we just talked and talked; I lost track of time when we were talking; it was so comfortable to talk; we share the same sense of humor; we loved talking about our similar interests and values.”

 

It was like that for me on my first date with my husband. All evening we were surrounded by myriads of people, but I felt like it was just the two of us. First we went to a banquet and then to a gala Fine Arts Ball at BYU. I remember at the beginning we politely went around the dinner table and introduced everyone. Then just John and I talked to each other, non-stop, the rest of the evening.

I’ve heard it said that “Love is a long conversation.” I believe it. In fact I often joke with our children that if I ever run out of things to say to Dad, then the marriage will be over. I’m pretty safe at saying that, because we love to talk to one another about everything.

This communication that is so fun and heady in a friendship is also essential as you really get to know someone’s deeper self. Look at what happened to the people at the time of the tower of Babel when “the Lord confounded the language of the people.” They were scattered and confused, because they could not communicate. The same thing happens to us when we can’t or we choose not to talk with someone. A relationship may never develop into a courtship because it can’t get beyond inch-deep generalities. When there is no communication in a marriage relationship difficulties arise, misunderstandings occur, and feelings may be wounded. President Hinckley said,

 

I hear so many complaints from men and women that they cannot communicate with one another. Perhaps I am naive, but I do not understand this. Communication is essentially a matter of conversation. They must have communicated when they were courting. Can they not continue to speak together after marriage? Can they not discuss with one another in an open and frank and candid and happy way their interests, their problems, their challenges, their desires? It seems to me that communication is largely a matter of talking with one another.

 

But let that talk be quiet, for quiet talk is the language of love. It is the language of peace. It is the language of God. . . The voice of heaven is a still small voice. The voice of peace in the home is a quiet voice (“Cornerstones of a Happy Home,” Jan. 29, 1984).

We sometimes look for happiness in exotic places, like Mozambique, and for romance in mystique, money, or charm. We sometimes look just for looks. Instead, we need to look for friends who embody Christlike character. As you date, seek friendships which have enduring strength and which can provide a firm foundation for a marriage. After you have established a solid, virtuous base in your relationship there is a place at the peak of the pyramid for physical intimacy. This brings me to my final point.

PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP

The physical relationship between a man and a woman can be wonderful and good–a beautiful blessing. However, if the physical part of romance comes too early or too fast in a relationship it can take over. Then it can become the tail that wags the dog. Our physical emotions are powerful and exciting. This is how they are meant to be. But this is precisely why they need to be kept in check until other fundamental parts of the relationship are developed.

Alma counseled his son Shiblon to “bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love.” Note that Shiblon was a righteous son. Nevertheless, Alma knew that even a good son needed this timeless advice. What Alma was saying to his son is the very thing that I have been trying to teach you. It is that you must put off your passionate natures until you have developed in a relationship a foundation of love or charity. You must control physical desires, lest they control you. Then the promise is that “ye may be filled with love.”

Another scriptural phrase that might be applicable here is being “clothed with the robes of righteousness.” That phrase from the scriptures may be better understood when we know about an old Arabic custom. If a young man was fleeing for his life he would seek refuge in the tent of a great leader. The chief would place the hem of his robe over the shoulder of the young guest and declare him under his protection from all his enemies. At one point Nephi pleads with the Lord to be protected from his enemies. He says, “O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies!” (2 Nephi 4:33). One of those enemies was sin. I would like to clothe all of our young people in such robes of protection from sin. What might those robes be for us?

We have taught our children some principles that we hope have provided robes of protection for them. We tried to create some catchy phrases so they would remember them easily in times of danger and decision. Let me share just four principles that will protect you like a robe of righteousness if you remember them and abide by them.

 

1. Avoid thedangers of the dark. Stay in well lighted places. Literally and figuratively. There’s wisdom to leaving the lights on–on the porch, in the living room, at the dance. And there’s safety in shunning places that feel dark in spirit.

 

2. Beware thehazard of the horizontal. Don’t lie down together with a date. Just don’t do it - not to watch a movie, or to read a book, or to rest at a picnic.

 

3. Remember theperils of privacy. Find public places to be alone. Learn to have your intimate talks where others are. There is great safety in being together where you can easily be interrupted.

 

4. Modesty is a must.Everything about your appearance, your speech, and your demeanor should bespeak that you are a literal spirit son or daughter of Heavenly Father. If we truly understand the paramount significance of our bodies in our Father’s plan, we would show great honor for our bodies. When you dress and act modestly others also

will treat you with respect.

 

You will also protect yourself if you choose to be with others who are also trying to make good choices. Someone with whom you will want to share the rest of your life will only want the very best for you. It says in For the Strength of Youth, “Choose friends who share your values so you can strengthen and encourage each other in living high standards. A true friend will encourage you to be your best self.”

The Savior powerfully taught this principle in Matthew 18:8, “Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee; it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.” The Joseph Smith translation on this verse offers the following clarification: a “man’s hand is his friend, and his foot, also.” Sometimes it’s necessary to break off relationships rather than trying to remain close friends. This is especially true of romantic relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends who draw us away from righteousness. When such friends “offend” you, when they lead you toward inappropriate intimacy or other temptations, you should “cast” them off rather than following them into dark paths

After one is married all of the richness of Heavenly Father’s blessings can be ours, both physically and spiritually. A sweet and wholesome physical relationship can help married couples face the world. Problems seem solvable and challenges seem conquerable. And even if they are not, they seem endurable to couples united by the sweet intimacy of married love. A dear friend spoke about this at the adult session of our Stake Conference once. She said,

 

Isn’t it amazing that you can have sick children, unpaid bills, car trouble, and your roof leaking, but if you can retire at night and happily give physical love to one another, you don’t care if the bills ever get paid, or the car or roof ever get fixed... and sometimes, you almost forget about the children...but you have one another....you are two against the world. On the other hand, you may have a Porsche in one garage and a Cadillac in the other, a country home and a city condominium and no bills at all, but it you are not compatible and secure in each other’s love, able to thoroughly enjoy your giving of love, you feel you have nothing (name withheld).

 The Lord planned for us to become one in every way. The physical relationship can help cement our spiritual union. We are made for each other.

Our model is in the very first love story. The Lord said that it was not good that Adam should be alone. So the Lord created Eve to be “an help meet for him.” Through a misunderstanding of the old-fashioned term “meet” the words “helpmeet” and “helpmate” have been invented and accepted in our language. However the real meaning of this scripture is that Eve was created to be a “meet” help for Adam. “Meet” means “fit” or “suitable.” So Eve was a helper who is “suited to, worthy of, or corresponding to him.” After that Adam was taught that they should “cleave unto one another and they twain should become one flesh.” So here are all of the elements we have been discussing today - being suited for each other first and then adding the physical relationship.

I began with President Faust’s cute and enduring love story. Now let me conclude with President and Sister Hinckley’s. He said at a CES fireside and then again just recently in the General Relief Society Meeting:

 

May I be personal for a moment? I sat at dinner across the table from my wife the other evening. It was fifty-five years ago that we were married in the Salt Lake Temple. The wondrous aura of young womanhood was upon her. She was beautiful, and I was bewitched. Now, for more than half a century, we have walked together though much of storm as well as sunshine. Today neither of us stands as tall as we once did. As I looked at her across the table, I noted a few wrinkles in her face and hands. But are they less beautiful than before? No, in fact, they are more so. Those wrinkles have a beauty of their own, and inherent in their very presence is something that speaks reassuringly of strength and integrity and a love that runs more deeply and quietly than ever before (BYU, March 1, 1992).

 

For 66 years we have walked together, hand in hand, with love and encouragement, with appreciation and respect. It cannot be very long before one of us will step through the veil. I hope the other will follow soon. I just would not know how to get along without her, even on the other side and I would hope that she would not know how to get along without me (General Relief Society Meeting, Ensign, Nov. 2003, p. 115).

To me that sounds like the epitome of sanctified, fulfilling friendship and love. I know what it is to have such a friend. I love my husband John for his “thousand daily decencies that daily flow from all [his] words and actions mixed with Love” in our relationship. He was kind and thoughtful and romantic in our courtship. Then even when he was going to school full time, working full time and we had three children under the age of four, he continued to be kind and thoughtful and romantic with me. He has shown this by helping me in my busy roles. He bathed the children every night. He scrubbed the kitchen floor. He was also my window to the world – keeping me abreast to what was happening out there. Through the years he provided for us in every way. He encouraged me as a mother. He supported the children in plays, concerts, athletic events, and papers to write. He would give me moments of reprieve – on walks or weekend getaways, taking me to the temple or occasionally on his travels. In my most recent assignment, he has been solicitous and loving in every way. When I come home tired at night he makes cheese toast and other such delicacies, so I don’t have to cook. He is my muse and my editor in my writing and talks. He prays for me and gives me priesthood blessings. He is a “meet” help or a help suited for me in every way. Since he re-scheduled some of his important work to be here with me today, I would like to pay tribute to him with this 17^th Century love poem by Anne Bradstreet.

 

To My Dear and Loving Husband

If ever two were one, then surely we.

If ever man were loved by wife, then thee;

If ever wife was happy in a man,

Compare with me, ye women, if you can.

I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold.

Or all the riches that the East doth hold.

My love is such that rivers cannot quench,

Nor ought but love from thee, give recompense.

Thy love is such I can no way repay,

The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.

Then while we live, in love let’s so persevere

That when we live no more, we may live ever.

I hope that each of us will find such joy in our lives through our covenant relationships with friends, family, and God. We must remember that deep friendships are built on Christlike virtues. Such friendships form a sound base upon which to build a courtship. And finally, very carefully, the physical relationship will enhance that holy friendship. I testify that these principles are true. May we find joy in the holy socialities that the Lord has provided for us, I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

 

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The Path of the Peacemaker

Audio of President Kim B. Clark's BYU-Idaho devotional address Winter 2009