Going the way of the buffalo
- posted: 02 Oct. 2007
- scrollopinion@byui.edu
For those readers who didn’t catch the MXPX reference, or perhaps for those who are otherwise unfamiliar with the expression, “going the way of the buffalo” it does not mean wandering on down to Yellowstone National Park. It means going extinct. As in dying. Dying an ignominious death like unto Nehor.
I can trace the cause of my imminent and untimely death directly to the shortened semester schedule. I’m no mathematician. But I did take Calculus one time, and I have decided to share with you the mathematical formula that I’ve come up with to conclusively prove the new schedule’s hand in my death:
Stress Level = # of credits divided by # of weeks to complete credits
Plugging data from my last semester into the formula gives us the following:
15 credits / 16 weeks = A stress level of 0.93
Now, the new semester is two weeks shorter. Teachers generally cover the same amount of material in this shortened amount of time, and now my equation yields the following results:
15 credits / 14 weeks = A stress level of 1.07
You’ll notice that with the reduction of two weeks, my stress has reached a level greater than 1. According to the following chart, this level is fatal:
Shane’s Official Stress Chart
- 0.1-0.4: Mild or negligible amountof stress
- 0.5-0.7: Ulcers beginning to form
- 0.8-0.99: Basic bodily functionsbegin to shut down
- Greater than 1.0: Death
To my fellow students and my dear professors: It has been a pleasure, but now I must bid you farewell before death sets in. I do not blame those responsible for shortening the schedule, only myself for not compensating for it by taking fewer credits.
There is one upside to all of this, however. I will soon get to see for myself exactly where it is that the buffalo are slowly going. I am picturing large pastures of grass. 
