Last semester I taught English in China. Upon my arrival, I found that several of the students had already taken the liberty of giving themselves English names.
Among these was a boy named Terminator, a girl named Green Sweety and one more gal named Easy.
This is funny, yes, but it’s more than that. These Chinese students were on to something. Think of the confidence young Terminator had every time he heard his English name. Is it likely he’ll let people push him around? Not in English class.
My name, on the other hand, is Chandler. Back in the old days a chandler was a person who made candles. What’s that supposed to mean? I haven’t made a single candle in my life. Not one.
I can’t help but daydream about the great things I could have done with my life if I had a bang-‘em-up, inspiring name. If I were named Terminator, I wouldn’t be writing this — I probably wouldn’t even be at school. I’d be doing bigger and better things. I’d be a pro-wrestler, or a Navy SEAL, or the star of American Gladiators.
To illustrate the power of a name, let’s look at third-party politicians. Why do they never win elections? If you think it has anything to do with politics, you’re wrong. It’s the names. Ralph Nader. Ross Perot. Of course they didn’t win; they have lame names. Have a name like Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and wham — you’re the governor of Minnesota.
It’s high time everyone enjoyed the life-changing effects of a great name. Take life by the horns. Change your name. Give yourself a name to live for. Give yourself a name so cool you can say, “I am [insert your name here], hear me roar!” without laughing.
I’ve thought up a few suggestions to help us all reap the benefits of a sweet moniker.
Suggestion one: think Native American. They know the power of the name. Look at Sitting Bull. Is a bull even capable of sitting? I don’t know, but it’s a great name, thus he did great things.
In choosing your name you can go the nature route (Leaping Shrub) or something a little more contemporary (Standing Blogspot). The only limit is your imagination.
Suggestion two: throw etymology to the wind and make up a name from scratch. Just make it sound cool, like Shahazazar or Xenetheleara. Whoa. These names shout mystique and power, and they’re off the top of my head. You’re welcome to use them.
A good contemporary example is Dweezel, the son of naming genius Frank Zappa. I don’t know what Dweezel Zappa is up to, but it’s bound to be something great.
Suggestion three: name yourself after someone (or something). There are loads of names out there that have already been given meaning by someone who already used them.
There is the obvious route of naming yourself after someone or something truly great — J.LO, George Dubya, Charlton Heston, Wal-Mart.
But what if you name yourself after greatness and you don’t live up? You’re on a one-way train to low self-esteem. Instead, name yourself after a historical idiot or monster — Korihor, Stalin, Enron. Whenever you’re feeling blue, whenever things don’t go your way, just look to your namesake. “I’m doing way better than that guy,” you’ll think.
Stop the mediocrity! To every John, Cindy, Pat, Jane, Denise — there’s a world of accomplishment and greatness waiting for you. Change your name, and release your inner Terminator.
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