Don’t get me wrong, I love BYU-Idaho, but there are a few things that BYU-Provo has to its advantage. There are the obvious things — their campus is massive and there are more single people there — but there are more important factors to judging which school is better.

Let’s face it, BYU has some really cool stuff, like real bells. Our bells are really speakers on top of the Hyrum Manwaring Center — not so cool. They also have a real ice cream shop. Tomassito’s ice cream just doesn’t compare to the Creamery on Ninth.

BYU also has a few really smart people there. Just take a look at The 100 Hour Board at theboard.byu.edu. They will answer any question, and I mean any question, in 100 hours. It’s the eighth wonder of the world.

Their town is great too. There are approximately 143,212 places to eat in Provo and that’s being modest. They have cheap theatres, parks and entertainment coming out of their ears down south. We have sub-zero weather, while their average temperatures are consistently 10 degrees higher.

BYU has intercollegiate sports, no curfew, visiting hours for the opposite sex are much later and you can wear shorts; but that’s where the list of advantages ends.

Sure, Provo beats us in some inconsequential categories, but in the important things, BYU-I rocks their world.

For one thing, our president is cooler. Our students are more spiritual, more pious, more obedient and obviously more humble. We must be, right? We live a higher law here — at least that’s what someone said in my religion class.

New changes to the calendar and the implementation of a 14-week semester will give everyone longer breaks. Not only will we have more time to play, but we’ll be home before everyone else, and we can steal their jobs.

I’m also grateful for the inspired curfew here. It’s quite obvious it exists for health reasons. It’s unsafe to be out in the cold past 1 a.m. The absence of curfew at BYU demonstrates the insanity of their students who subject themselves to sleep deprivation and exposure to the cold. It’s healthier to live with a curfew.

Horkley’s is another fine example of Rexburg superiority. Not only can you rent DVDs for a buck, you can get a 44 ounce soda for 57 cents. Unheard of!

While we’re on food and entertainment, we must mention Craigo’s. Their cookie monster has single-handedly kept me in Rexburg for four years.

When it comes to summer fun, the urban sprawl of Provo limits your possibilities, while Rexburg flourishes. We’ve got Monkey Rock, sand dunes, ice caves, civil defense caves, Yellowstone, tubing down Warm River, campfires, hot springs, Teton Dam, rock climbing, Riot Zone, Bear World and enough wind to fly a million kites. Provo has Utah Lake, but who wants to swim in a lake named after their school’s rival?

Our campus is smaller, the summer scene is out of this world, parking is easier here, girls are cuter, guys are stronger, students are smarter, teachers are wiser, townies are friendlier and there are more potatoes than you could ever eat in a lifetime. What more could you ask for?

I’m sorry to have popped the bubble for all you Provo fans, but it’s true. Rexburg is better. It has everything you need to be happy, entertained and safe. BYU-I is America’s best kept secret Provo, on the other hand, is just another city. It’s not even fair to compare the two.

Go ahead and ring your bells all you want, BYU — we’re not listening.