Sometimes it feels like it is our duty to God and this campus to get married. We’ve got our minds on marriage and marriage on our minds. And these thoughts, anticipations and hopes all lead up to two words — ‘I do’.

‘I do’ conjures visions of veils, tuxedos, “you may kiss the bride” and happily ever after. For once in your life, you will know exactly what to say — ‘I do.’ There’s nothing that works better in the marriage ceremony. “OK” or “Sure, I guess” doesn’t have the same effect.

But readers beware! With all this marriage madness, we risk having an itchy ‘I do’ trigger finger. If we aren’t careful we may shoot before anyone says, “draw.” Below, I illustrate some of the heinous consequences of saying ‘I do’ at the wrong time.

Number one: You’re at the plasma center to pick up your semi-weekly grocery money. You walk in and the technician begins firing questions at you. “Do you have Hepatitis C?” they ask. “I do!” you say emphatically and unthinkingly. Uh oh. How do you back out of this mistake? “Oh, did you say hepatitis? That’s funny, I thought you said — meningitis.” How embarrassing! You get no needle, no movie, no bandage, no cookie, no juice box and no $25.

Don’t walk this road. The proper response is no. As a matter of fact, you should have zoned out 10 questions ago, shooting out rapid no’s while pretending the technician isn’t asking you awkward questions about STDs.

Number two: Suppose you’re in a public place with a crowd of people. Suddenly a man clutches his chest in pain and keels over. His wife screams, “Does anyone know CPR?!” You heroically shout, “I do!” This is appropriate if you know CPR. If you don’t, however, it will be awkward. Good luck explaining yourself. “I don’t actually know CPR ma’am. Yeah, I was joking. Yes, I see it’s not a laughing matter. I’m sorry, I hope your husband feels better.” You made a joke, about knowing CPR. It’s not as funny as you hoped.

Number three: You’re on the airplane coming home from overseas. The flight attendant passes out customs declaration forms, which include this question: “Do you have any disease agents, cell cultures or snails?” (Yes, snails, that’s what the form asks). You reflexively blurt, “I do!” in your head and check the box for the affirmative. Unfortunately this makes you spend your first two hours back in the country explaining to customs agents that you don’t actually have any snails on your person or in your luggage. You were tempted, of course, to bring back some snails, but you wisely left them in the country you departed from.

We must not let our matrimonial zeal get the best of us! We must control our over-anxious tongues! ‘I do’s are not to be handed out like candy. Our time will come. Do you solemnly pledge to save this phrase, this simple statement of our eternal commitment for no one but that special someone? I do.