And why do we subject ourselves to this indignity? Why do we abandon our macho roots and pretend to enjoy watching Sleepless in Seattle with our crying, clingy dates? Because we want a girl, and too many Russell Stover’s and Kay Jewelers commercials have told us this is the only way to do it.

Well, men, take heart. Recent studies have shown all the politeness, gifts and compliments are a complete waste of time. Think about it. If it worked so well last year, why are you doing it again?

Fact is, trying to make a woman fall in love with you is most likely to have an opposite effect. Women won’t admit it outright, but extensive psychological research has proven that they are only attracted to one type of man — the Jerk.

This type of man comes in all shapes and sizes, but he is always recognizable by the large flock of woman following him, eager for another helping of his abuses, exploitations and disrespect.

The Jerk is not required to pay for dinner, open doors, buy flowers or compliment his date. This man has it made.

A steady stream of eligible women practically throw themselves at him, without any reward for their pains. Nice guys, on the other hand, never intentionally do anything to ruin a woman’s life and often try to make it better; these acts are shunned like the plague.

Now, to the logical male psyche, this kind of behavior seems counter-productive, unless we address women’s motivation for their behavior — they’re happier being miserable.

This could be attributed to Sunday night roommate meetings where girls compare notes and try to win the most sympathy by having the worst boyfriend. This award is coveted, so a Jerk is an asset.

Their treatment of men is a simple case of classical conditioning. Desired behavior is rewarded, and undesired behavior is ignored or punished. It’s obvious! Women want us to be jerks. They must like jerks. What other explanation is there?

Sure, you can cling to your ridiculous notions of chivalry, but why bother? Give that special someone what she really wants this year. Roses and chocolate go to half price the day after Valentine’s Day, and she’ll appreciate the thoughtless, late gift much longer.

Seriously, if you buy her flowers on time, she remembers for a week or so. But buy them late, or not at all, and she’ll take it to her grave.

If you tell her she’s beautiful, she’ll either dump you for someone hotter or just let herself go; tell her she’s fat, and she’ll hit the gym at five every morning. No more excuses about being big-boned.

Tonight, thousands of good-looking, well-mannered, thoughtful, romantic Nice Guys will sit at home with their friends and their empty wallets while each jerk in the nation will have a wonderful evening abusing and neglecting his harem of women who mean nothing to him. They will kiss and cuddle most of the night, and he won’t even remember her name. And the women will enjoy every minute of it and then come home and discuss how horrible their evenings were with their roommates. (While eating the unappreciated chocolate from the Nice Guys they turned down earlier.)

So men, cast off the yoke of female oppression and gather round the standard of jerkhood.

Go out and have fun without any frills or effort, then lose her phone number so you can’t call the next day. Give up being a nice guy this year and save both your money and your self-respect.

Oh. And Happy Valentine’s Day, eh?