Q: Dear Bowling Bravado Brett,

At the local alley guys always seem to have an extra edge; they’re ACUTELY competitive. How can I keep up?

Signed,

Shoe-shined in Sheboygan

The inspiration for the answer to your question came to me the way the answers to many of my life’s pressing questions have come — while I was sitting alone eating ice cream straight from the container and watching an absolutely fascinating documentary about large mammals on Animal Planet.

 You see, there’s a lot we bowlers can learn from our hefty, warm-blooded friends about the ever-present mental sparring matches that go on in the bowling alley.

For example, when bull elk decide to begin competing for the attention of local females, intimidation is the main tactic used to keep other males away from the dominant male’s cows. The bulls use loud “bugles” to announce their presence and command attention.

If any challenging males are brash enough to come close, a rack with as many as six bony points on each side of the head is usually enough to discourage them.

However, in the event that the new male is deaf and blind, or for some other reason still decides to confront the dominant male, the aforementioned antlers come clashing together dramatically to decide the final outcome.

Now please, don’t misunderstand. I’m not suggesting you go to your Uncle Billy-Bob’s house and take the antlers off his wall to wear at the alley for your next outing.

That might not have quite the desired effect, whether you’re going for strikes or girls. 

Instead, you might try outfitting yourself with some new “Brunswick Zone Target” bowling shoes (hey, the carry-bag comes free). You could use them, not so much for the actual benefits of the shoes, but for the implication that you can “bugle” to the others in the alley as you lace up.

Still not enough? Then pull your bright aquamarine “Impulse Zone” ball out of your “KR Eliminator Single Roller” bag and polish it up.

 If this doesn’t banish your rental-clad opponents to the outer lanes and snag the eyes of passing girls, then you’ll have to pull out all the stops; it’s time to put your wrist guard on and step up to the line.

 Lastly, if somehow the floor wasn’t polished just right, the hand-drier wasn’t working on your lane, the earth’s gravity sporadically shifted every time you went to bowl and the girls all mysteriously disappeared, don’t worry about what you’ll do on Friday nights; I hear they’ve got some really great documentaries on Animal Planet.