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| Photo courtesy Dave & Cara Laughman |
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| Dave Laughman’s mother shares in the wedding-day excitement. Mothers are a key ingredient in wedding planning. It is polite for the groom to send the bride’s mother flowers following the wedding day. |
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| The unwritten laws of weddings |
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Sometimes a dating couple’s frequent conversations begin to stray toward eternity.
They think of marriage, they talk of marriage and eventually they agree to be married.
Where they go from there is often determined by what society defines as the correct procedure.
As an age-old practice, marriage is steeped in tradition. For every aspect of the event, there are rules of etiquette to be kept and traditions to be honored.
“Marriage etiquette is important, because it’s the accepted way,” said David Duerden, a BYU-Idaho professor in the Department of Home and Family Education. “Someone will be offended if you don’t do it according to his or her expectations.”
Here is a list of wedding rules of etiquette for those planning a wedding now—or someday.
First of all, from the engagement on, who pays for what?
Traditionally, the bride’s family pays for most of the wedding. Traditions and conventions, however, are beginning to fade.
“Because wedding costs are so high, there is more sharing of the total expense, not only by both sets of parents, but by the couple themselves,” said Diane Warner in her book, Wedding Questions Answer Book.
Traditionally, the groom buys the engagement ring. “It is both correct and wise for [the man] to consult [the woman’s] taste,” according to The New Emily Post Etiquette.
Some men, however, prefer to pick the ring themselves and surprise their future spouse.
Some couples opt not to have an engagement ring at all, saving the money for other aspects of the wedding.
The groom is also in charge of obtaining the marriage license and buying the wedding ring, bride’s bouquet, boutonnieres and a present for the bride, if he wishes. He also arranges and pays for the couple’s honeymoon.
The bride’s family is traditionally given the task of preparing and paying for the wedding ceremony and reception, including food, flowers, music and location.
They also are expected to arrange for the bride’s dress, the invitations to the wedding and any formal or candid wedding pictures.
The groom’s parents customarily pay for the wedding breakfast or luncheon.
When the couple agrees on marriage, the man is expected to talk personally with his future father-in-law.
Traditionally, he would ask for permission to marry his daughter. This is one tradition that is falling out of practice, however.
The groom is no longer expected to ask for the bride’s father’s consent, according to the new Emily Post Etiquette.
However, he is expected to talk with the father about the couple’s plans, prospects and any problems or obligations he might have.
When the engagement is announced, the groom’s parents generally contact the bride’s parents and arrange to meet.
If they fail to do so, however, the bride’s parents may initiate the contact.
For each aspect of the wedding, customary rules of etiquette exist. As these rules fade, however, casual contemporary ideas are replacing the rigid civility of traditional weddings.
For Latter-day Saints, there should be few worries that such shifting of ideas and traditions will tarnish the glimmering experience of marriage.
“For us, the temple ceremony is so beautiful and profound,” said Thomas Rane, Home and Family Department professor, “that we do not have to be involved in many of the world’s customs.”
However, those obligations are not outdated quite yet for the traditional bride and groom.
