I’m angry because you’re angry that I’m angry.
Ever since I started writing this column, I’ve consistently been getting the question, “Why are you so angry?” Well I’ve heard a flood of theories. One example I heard is that the answer lies within the subtext to my name: Angry Asian. The idea being that I am angry because I am Asian. Whoever said that has obviously spent too much time with my parents. But, let me finally answer the question once and for all. Why am I angry? The answer is: Look around, what isn’t there to be angry about?
Let me just enumerate a few things about this world that make me angry.
#1. The French. Why did we save them during World War II? That was our chance! We couldn’t have just waited a little longer for Germany to do their thing and then invade? I hate turning on the evening news and seeing some French guy in tights and a tutu telling me how much America sucks. How dare he! Only Canadians have the right to tell me how much we stink.
#2. Canadians. I hate hearing them say how much we stink.
#3. Global Warming. I hate global warming. Actually, I just hate people who blame global warming for everything that’s bad. Recently, I’ve heard people say that global warming caused hurricanes Katrina and Rita; global warming is destroying the environment; global warming cancelled Seinfeld; global warming killed Bambi; global warming killed my best friend and stole my girlfriend; global warming got Britney Spears pregnant. Please! That’s ridiculous! Am I supposed to believe that? How could global warming possibly destroy the environment?
#4. Pessimists. I hate people who can never see the bright side of life. This journey is already difficult enough without having to have every dark cloud pointed out. I once read this asinine column where this guy actually went and made a list about things that he was angry about.
What a sad, sad little man. I’ll bet he’s some liberal hippie who wants the terrorists to win in Iraq. I mean, he is from Portland. What a freak.
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