SCOTT GULLEDGE & RACHEAL ALVSTAD / Scroll Photo Illustration

McDonald’s: “I’m lovin’ it,” why aren’t you?

Peter Nguyen NGU04002@BYUI.EDU Angry Asian

I never get more dirty looks than at BYU-Idaho for the stupidest things, and it’s making me angry.

It was another happy-go-lucky day for me on campus until I made the mistake of exposing my McDonald’s. Suffice it to say, it was not a “happy meal.”

You should have seen the dirty looks I got. It hurt my feelings! So what did I do? What every mature, young returned missionary would do: I opened my mouth, which was full of food, for all to see. It was glorious. People started to quickly look away, but I couldn’t tell if it was because of the food or because I’m Asian.

It’s worse when you’re in a situation where you and your group of friends are trying to figure out what to eat. If you ever want to get invited out again, take my advice and don’t suggest McDonald’s. Apparently it’s cause for disgust.

I brought up McDonald’s once and this is the response I got:

“That’s gross! What are you doing, trying to kill me?” I paused to think about it for a second and then said, “No.”

Other things I’ve heard are, “Ugh, I can feel my arteries clogging right now,” and, “I heard some guy ate nothing but fast food for a month and his doctor told him stop or he’d die.”

Yeah, stupid. The movie was called Super Size Me, and why do I feel like shoving a quarter pounder with cheese down your throat?

I hate people who’ve read the book Fast Food Nation. Get this: apparently the book is about how fast food is bad for you. No, really? And all this time I’ve been choking down 39-cent cheeseburgers as part of my weight loss diet.

Anybody who had to read a book to figure out that fast food may not be the healthiest thing to base your diet on, should be banned from voting and have his or her shoelaces replaced with Velcro.

And anybody who says they don’t like McDonald’s is a liar, and if they have a problem with me calling them a liar they can find me standing underneath the Taylor Quad flagpole at 3 p.m. tomorrow.

Who can resist the beefy, cardboard-like taste of the Big Mac. I love the Big Mac so much I’m actually going to name my firstborn son “Big Mac.” And after naming him, I will probably eat him.

My favorite part of the “Big Mac” is the feeling of hot fat and oil squirting into your mouth as you bite down on it.

Some of you might think that’s gross, but you know what I think is gross? You. So leave me alone and let me eat my McDonald’s in peace.

I’m so sorry. Once again, I just read over what I’ve written and I realize that it’s an utter waste of time. I really am sorry, it’s not my best piece of literature, but believe me it’s pretty hard to type and eat a hamburger at the same time.