Boushely

OPINION COLUMN Dear Becky

Editor’s Note: Each week I will respond to two or three questions or stories from readers. Along with my response, an actual psychologist or counselor will give their advice. E-mail your questions or stories to scrollopinion@byui.edu. The Scroll reserves the right to not publish any questions or stories. Write-ins will be anonymous, but please include your Rexburg place of residence.

This week I have found that “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” just might be the most correct statement ever uttered on Earth. And this week that is proven by the different ways men and women view dating and dating expectations.

Perplexed in Pineview wrote: “Dear Becky, I feel like there is a counterculture at BYU-Idaho which dictates how one is to get to know another person of the opposite sex. Instead of using dating to get to know people, many prefer ‘hanging out.’ This makes it difficult for a guy to ask a girl out without an implication of commitment. How can this be changed?”

I hope most of us remember that wonderful CES fireside from Elder Dallin H. Oaks entitled “The Dedication of a Lifetime.”

The following quotes are the main points that this student body needs to try and apply in order to make a social change in the practice of dating.

To men, Elder Oaks said, “... if you have returned from your mission and you are still following the boy-girl patterns you were counseled to follow when you were 15, it is time for you to grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with ... men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it. If you don’t know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help. I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A “date” must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for and (3) paired off.”

To young women, Elder Oaks said, “... don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize freeloaders ... please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment.”

I think that for many students, “hanging out” still happens because that is all they want from the opposite sex at that time. But this social rule is what is creating the pressure and nervousness that people feel when asked on a date. This is why people are saying “I love you” on the doorstep of their first date.

We all need to follow Elder Oaks’ advice “... to channel your associations with the opposite sex into dating patterns that have the potential to mature into marriage, not hanging-out patterns that only have the prospect to mature into team sports like touch football. Marriage is not a group activity—at least not until the children come along in goodly numbers.”