Jackman

OPINION COLUMN Dating within the legend of Johnny Lingo

Brad Jackman JAC01016@BYUI.EDU Got Cows?

If I just had some cows, I’m sure everything would be all right.

I’d find a little village, far from civilization, where people are a little backwards and they like a man with lots of cows. Someplace like Rigby.

I’d walk into town swatting the cows with a branch, smiling all the way. Kids in grass skirts would run ahead of me shouting my name and the girls would all faint from delight. I’d step right up to that no-good, heartless father and give him all my cows for his ugly daughter. After a trip to my local Mary Kay dealer, the hairdresser and a lava-lava shop, we’d be the most coveted couple on the island.

I only wish it was that easy. Here’s the real moral from Johnny Lingo: No cow means no girl. We don’t bargain with daddy anymore, we have to convince girls that our cows are better than the next guy’s. This is where most of us start losing, because today the law of Johnny Lingo goes like this: no car, no nice clothes, no guitar, no Mahana.

Girls can almost instantly assess how many “cows” one has. A quick tally will reveal my cattle shortage. I have a truck that’s worth about two cows. But most of my clothes come from Wally-world. That’s a negative cow.

I’m not going to be a dentist, a doctor or a lawyer; I’m going to be a teacher. Definitely no cows for that. On the upside, I will have a PhD … in seven years, one more cow for the list. I’m a senior, so I get a free cow for that, and let’s make it a meaty one because my grades aren’t that bad. Three cows. What’s a guy going to do with three cows?

I’m sure there are a lot of nice three-cow girls, but come on, I want Mahana!

Guys like me have to develop some kind of a strategy to defeat the cow-hoarders of the world. It’s got to be a good one, too, because the girls look real closely at how many cows you bring to the bargaining table. I learned that the hard way.

So I’ve been watching, taking notes and developing my plan. I have plenty of friends who have no more than a sickly, crippled cow, yet have the eight-cow woman we’re all looking for.

The secret seems to be this: speed. While Johnny Lingo was out searching for expensive shells, the guy whose cow gave sour milk could have moved right on in and had the catch of the century.

There may be a couple guys out there who have eight cows to spend, but most guys who are cattle-deficient like me still have a secret weapon. We move fast. While the eight-cow owners are considering their options, we’re stealing the girls out from under their noses.

And now’s the perfect time! The semester has just begun, and the race is on to find a cuddle buddy. Besides, a fresh batch of missionaries just left this summer, and you know what that means.

Some want us to believe it’s impossible for average guys like us to compete with the sports car driving, guitar playing, moneymaking cow-mongers out there. You know what? Watch me.