Boushely

OPINION COLUMN Dear Becky

Editor’s Note: Each week I will respond to two or three questions or stories from readers. Along with my response, an actual psychologist or counselor will give their advice. E-mail your questions or stories to scrollopinion@byui.edu. The Scroll reserves the right to not publish any questions or stories. Write-ins will be anonymous, but please include your Rexburg place of residence.

This week I have found that professional counselors and psychologists are as awkward and difficult to work with as an ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend, that doubts can keep people from a potentially great relationship and that boys don’t realize how much reassurance girls need.

But before I launch into these three thoughts, I would like to encourage everyone who reads this to think of an awkward date you went on or an embarrassing moment you had with a special someone. What did you learn from these things? I’m sure the rest of the student body would love to learn from your anonymous experience.

I know that I said that I would have a professional’s advice along with mine in each column, but due to legal complications and the fact that they are extremely difficult to work with, there will not be any advice from them for a while.

Dead End of Doubts wrote: “Dear Becky, After going on a few dates with a girl, I am certain I am interested in pursuing a relationship. However, the day after we go out, or sometimes even a couple hours later, I get doubts. If this happened only one time, I would think nothing of it, but I have had this reoccur at least three times. What should I do?”

Well, Dead End of Doubts, I think that the first step is to find out where these doubts are coming from. Is it because you are afraid of commitment and getting attached? Are you afraid of getting hurt? Is she great, but it just doesn’t feel right?

I can’t figure that out for you, but if you could pinpoint what it is then you could probably pinpoint where it’s coming from. And once you know where it is coming from, you can decide whether it is something to listen to or not.

I believe that everyone has doubts. With all of the pressure to have a good relationship and to get married, it’s hard to keep doubts out of it, but if you feel that the Spirit is letting you know that she just isn’t the one … cut loose, let go and get out before it gets too hard.

However, if past relationships for you have not gone well and taught you to be afraid, then this girl might be just the ticket to getting over your fears.

If when you are with her you feel great, but when you leave your mind begins to analyze and psych itself out, you just might be fighting fears.

In this case, you need to think about what things in your life make you afraid and then you need to tell yourself that you can get over this. When you come home at night and you think about her, think of all of the great things about her and what makes you want to be with her.

Reminding yourself of why you are involved with a person on a daily basis can cure almost all fears. No one is perfect.

Even the best marriages will have moments of fear and doubt. But if you wake up each day reminding yourself why you love that person and why you have chosen them to be the special witness to your life, your doubts will have no foundation. Remember to pray.

Confused on Campus wrote: “Dear Becky, I have been friends and dating on and off with a girl for a while, and I have finally realized that I want to date her seriously and see what could happen. However, she really confuses me. She tells me all of the time that I should date other people, that she likes me but can’t date me and that she wonders why I want to date her. I’m not really good at expressing my feelings, but what can I do to let her know that I really like her and want a future with just her?”

It sounds to me like you have a young woman who may share some of the same fears as Dead End of Doubts.

Since you have not dated steadily, she probably has a lot of doubts toward your sincerity to be with just her, especially since you have probably dated other girls during this time.

You need to get past your problems with expressing your feelings and give the girl some good old communication.

You have probably held her hand or snuggled with her, which to you may have communicated your feelings, but guess what? Girls are a little different than boys and she probably needs some verbal communication.

How often do you tell her she’s pretty? How often do you compliment her? How often do you tell her that you like her?

I’m not saying that you need to write poems or kneel at her feet and compliment her every aspect. Don’t freak her out. But you would be amazed at what a simple “you look nice today” could do.

I hope that we have all learned a little and that this week the dating realm will be a little less confusing and doubt filled.

Good luck, BYU-Idaho, and until next week, I’m listening.