MOWER

MOTHERS WEEKEND COLUMN Mothers’ Weekend game plan

by Daniel Mower MOW01002@BYUI.EDU Mild-Mannered Alter Ego

Don’t let your mom read this article.

Mothers’ Weekend is just around the corner. There’s not much time, so you’ve got to get your game plan together.

What am I talking about? Oh, come on. Don’t plead innocence. It’s common knowledge that when Mothers’ Weekend rolls around, everyone makes sure that the car is out of gas and the cupboards are running on empty.

You don’t have to make things look worse than they really are. But let’s face it: you have a better chance of really capitalizing on her generosity if she thinks that the only thing standing between her child and starvation is about five bucks and a can of chili.

I’m not suggesting that you actually conspire to take advantage of your mother’s sympathetic instincts. I’m definitely NOT suggesting there are certain things you could do to really tug at her heartstrings (or checkbook).

I’m not suggesting that you, oh, say, completely empty the fridge and leave only a plate of spinach and a half-empty jar of salsa.

I’m not suggesting that you tell your mom that you have to do laundry and begin piling your clothes into the dishwasher.

I’m not saying that.

But since I know you’re interested, I’ve got more ideas.

Label a glass jar “gas money.” Set it in an obvious place in the living room. Put about eight cents in the jar. Ask your mom to kindly contribute, explaining that you’ve been saving as an apartment since the beginning of winter semester.

Volunteer to cook your favorite dinner for your mother. Whip out a pack of mac and cheese, but only use about 2 teaspoons of cheese sauce mix. Explain that tomorrow you will make her your second favorite meal: spaghetti noodles and cheese.

Eat your morning cereal with water instead of milk. “At first it’s kind of nasty, but you get used to it after a while.”

Hide all of the silverware except a knife and a spatula. Each roommate takes turns eating, washing and reusing the same utensils.

Tell you’re mom you’re going to take a shower, then head off to the bathroom with the dish soap in hand and the dishrag over your shoulder.

Gentlemen — make sure you wear your nastiest white socks to church. Ladies -— no matter how nice the dress or skirt, wear tattered tennis shoes.

When you’re touring campus with mom, stop by every bathroom and check for spare rolls of toilet paper.

Remove most of your light bulbs.

If your mom takes you out to eat, insist on going to Wendy’s. Order about six 99-cent hamburgers. Eat one. Take the rest home and put them in the freezer.

Not bad ideas, are they?

Every mom is different. Capitalize on her pet peeves. If she’s a clean freak, make sure your apartment is a mess when she gets there so she’ll help clean. If she is a health fanatic, replace the plate of spinach with several half-empty cans of soda.

For those of you with family from California, I envy you. I hear California moms are very generous, especially in-laws. It’s just a rumor I heard.

I’m sure that these suggestions are small potatoes compared to the stuff that some of you have planned. To all I say: good luck. Let me know how it goes so my list can be improved and updated for next year.